Dealing with jealousy

t4nk

What is the buddhist way of dealing with jealousy, e.g. i have friends that dont work as hard as we do yet they live a life of large house, new car etc.
This can at times frustrate me.

federica

You are not so much jealous as resentful, and you covet what they have.
Trust me, I have to work through this every day.
My financial situation is frankly, dire. I am according to some statistics (and we know how frank and reliable they are!) bordering on the poverty line, here in the UK.
My salary isn't bad, it's just that salaries are not commensurate with the cost of living here, and the CoL has risen disproportionately to salary increases. Also, I'm supporting 2 people on one single salary.
Without trying to scratch my own violin, and certainly not thread-jacking - I know what it's like to see others around me, apparently benefit from a luxurious lifestyle, while I am working 2ice as hard for half the benefits.
I can equate and I empathise.

It is difficult, isn't it, to detach from this feeling of resentment and desire?
I have the personal(!) luxury, however, of being able to see that these specific people are actually not as happy as one would think they should be.
And they want more. What they have is insufficient. They have attained a level of living that would, to all intents and purposes, seem to be idyllic. But no. I know they are chasing improvement.

So I focus on their feeling of "hungry Ghostliness" And I develop compassion for their feeling of desire.
I switch focus, and am sad for them that they cannot be content with what they possess.

Sure, I'd love to have more. but it's not possible.
The secret is to love what you have, not want what you can't have.
so I have to look around me and know that in the great scheme of things, it's all going to go one day anyway.

I remember being in a queue at a huge department store, having bought a house-warming gift for my friend, and seeing a lady in front of me with a trolley full of cushions, candlesticks, lampshades, ornaments.... and saying "There you go! Today's must-haves are tomorrows car-boot sale items!" (She wasn't amused, because actually, I think I must have touched a nerve!)

But it's true! We want things, we love attractive things, we want status symbols. But once we get them, and they get chipped, dropped, have tea spilled on them, or don't fit the colour-scheme - suddenly, they lose their appeal!

See the things your envied friends have, and look at where these things will be in 5 years' time. Then think of how much effort they're putting into appearances.

Sad, isn't it?

sukhita

What is the buddhist way of dealing with jealousy, e.g. i have friends that dont work as hard as we do yet they live a life of large house, new car etc.
This can at times frustrate me.

Agree with Federica. Also: Metta practice helps in reducing feelings of not only anger, hatred, and ill-will, but also feelings of jealousy, irritation, and frustration. If you're not familiar with this, just google "metta" and you'll find a lot of reading material. This practise has changed my mental attitude quite significantly.

Live with ease!

t4nk

I am also in the UK, similar situation to yourself Frederica. There have been signs that things are not good with the wealthier people. It has also been mentioned that we (as in my family) seem more happier.
I think the trick is to see what they "really" want, and quite often it ends up being what we take for granted, things like the sound of our kids laughing. Or me and my partner putting the world to rights over a cup of tea. Simple, but nice.
"Live with ease!" - Indeed!

NomaDBuddha

Haters gonna hate. The more you think about what they have, the more importance this useless thing will get. The best way to get rid of jealousy is to forget about the 'high-life' of your friends. And you can do this by... 'add your solution here ' .

sukhita

...... forget about the 'high life' of your friends and live your life.

DaltheJigsaw

You are not so much jealous as resentful, and you covet what they have.
Trust me, I have to work through this every day.
My financial situation is frankly, dire. I am according to some statistics (and we know how frank and reliable they are!) bordering on the poverty line, here in the UK.
My salary isn't bad, it's just that salaries are not commensurate with the cost of living here, and the CoL has risen disproportionately to salary increases. Also, I'm supporting 2 people on one single salary.
Without trying to scratch my own violin, and certainly not thread-jacking - I know what it's like to see others around me, apparently benefit from a luxurious lifestyle, while I am working 2ice as hard for half the benefits.
I can equate and I empathise.

It is difficult, isn't it, to detach from this feeling of resentment and desire?
I have the personal(!) luxury, however, of being able to see that these specific people are actually not as happy as one would think they should be.
And they want more. What they have is insufficient. They have attained a level of living that would, to all intents and purposes, seem to be idyllic. But no. I know they are chasing improvement.

So I focus on their feeling of "hungry Ghostliness" And I develop compassion for their feeling of desire.
I switch focus, and am sad for them that they cannot be content with what they possess.

Sure, I'd love to have more. but it's not possible.
The secret is to love what you have, not want what you can't have.
so I have to look around me and know that in the great scheme of things, it's all going to go one day anyway.

I remember being in a queue at a huge department store, having bought a house-warming gift for my friend, and seeing a lady in front of me with a trolley full of cushions, candlesticks, lampshades, ornaments.... and saying "There you go! Today's must-haves are tomorrows car-boot sale items!" (She wasn't amused, because actually, I think I must have touched a nerve!)

But it's true! We want things, we love attractive things, we want status symbols. But once we get them, and they get chipped, dropped, have tea spilled on them, or don't fit the colour-scheme - suddenly, they lose their appeal!

See the things your envied friends have, and look at where these things will be in 5 years' time. Then think of how much effort they're putting into appearances.

Sad, isn't it?

Thank you for sharing!
You made very good points!

DaltheJigsaw

What about getting new friends?:)

compassionate_warrior

What about getting new friends?:)

This is a point that has come up several times on different threads. As we evolve and shift into more spiritual values, or when we simply notice that friends are stuck in old patterns or don't share some of our core values, it's entirely appropriate, recommended even, to seek out new friends who are a better match. Better to have just a few friends who are supportive and in sync with who we are, than to have a large number of friends who may drag us down in some ways.

In the case of your luxury-lifestyle friends, it may be the case that they're in debt up to their ears to finance their way of life. Some people are into putting on a show, and you'd have no way of knowing their true economic situation.

Good luck

kelraldo

I know how you feel, life can be pretty unfair.

Remember though just because they have more then you doesnt mean they are happier then you. I'd rather a poor and happy life then rich and bitter one. Theres alot more to happiness then a big house, fancy car. Being mindful, meditating and showing kindness to others will bring you true happiness, not a false sense of joy you get from material posseions or shallow relationships. Once you are truely happy you will never envy what others have.

you should also try to be happy for others good fortune whethers it is deserved or not.


peace.

federica

I am also in the UK, similar situation to yourself Frederica. There have been signs that things are not good with the wealthier people. It has also been mentioned that we (as in my family) seem more happier.
I think the trick is to see what they "really" want, and quite often it ends up being what we take for granted, things like the sound of our kids laughing. Or me and my partner putting the world to rights over a cup of tea. Simple, but nice.
"Live with ease!" - Indeed!

I'll tell you what - I thought our financial situation was bad, and we have some debts, which I'm deeply ashamed of, and wish I could put right, because in a way, debt is a form of stealing. But I never deliberately got into debt, and although my credit rating is poor, I know for a fact that the financial problems I have pale into insignificance in comparison to those I know many others have. Especially those who blew their money during the high-crest-of-a-wave lucrative and buoyant financial period we all enjoyed - before the brown and smelly stuff hit the rotating ventilator. (And I use the word 'Brown' advisedly )

So on the face of it, things seem bad. But look under the veneer of those who seem to have dodged the austerity bullet, and the cracks are showing.

I think really, we have to count our blessings.
it can be tough. It can be depressing. But at least we can draw breath, gaze at the sky, and know we at least, have a smile to give others.

Supertramp

See the things your envied friends have, and look at where these things will be in 5 years' time. Then think of how much effort they're putting into appearances.

Sad, isn't it?

I agree with everything you said, however I'm not really _poor_ but I did have to make a couple of sacrefises in my lifestyle as to be able to pay the mortgage (for example selling my car and using public transportation and bike for everything). Everything you said except the part I quoted.

I often find myself thinking that exact same thing, but then seeing that this thought actually causes suffering. So after thinking it I'm ashamed I thought it. Because if you use that as a reason not to envy them, you have to be careful not to _wish_ them that bad luck. The bad luck that the efforts they made to acquiring these things will be for nothing in the end.

I find that instead of envying I should be happy for them, instead of making myself feel better by telling myself their luck will run out I should be glad they have this luck and wish them more. I've found this attitude goes very easy with real friends, works for neutral people but I'm still practicing to think this way for people I "dislike". Like sukhita said. Metta.

federica

I'm not suggesting you use the above thought to gain a feeling of superiority. At all.
I'm reinforcing the Buddhist lesson that everything is impermanent.

ThailandTom

great advice fede, all the way through, I can relate. I literally have no money until MAYBE 2moro, then who knows lol.. But yes, we should appreciate what we have but understand it can easily be taken away or change.