Troublesome me.

Bodhgaya

http://www.tbsa.org/articles/WhomDoYouAssociateWith.htm

How do you deal with these so-called evil friends? Especially when you're related to them?
My step-sister is of the nature of a 'bad' friend, so to speak.
I have been given the impression that she communicates with me, mostly, for money or when no one else is there for her. Though at times, she will want to hang out with me, though I am unsure how genuine it is.

I was wondering, how do you handle this? And not just with sibilings, but people you truly consider a friend, or people you just happen to have to work with or take a class with.

I sometimes fall into their gossip if said experience is deeply relatable to me, i.e. being manipulated, cheated, etc.

Now, I do treat my sibling kindly, of course. But what else do you think I could do, or what could I do to try and find something suitable to do(besides meditation, if there are other options)? More things, to help if needed, are that she wants money for cigarettes, sometimes drugs, very harsh with her speech (though she says she doesn't mean to use slurs), but it is the abundant cursing teens use, as in nearly every word is a curse, or is used when mad, happy, sad, etc. Extreme or not.

And, how do you stay strong and not conform to their anger or gossip or idle chatter? I was once apart of all of these, and had no conscious, now I do, and I happen to feel bad when I do such things with words. Is meditation all I could do to prevent this?

Thanks so much, metta.

Ada_B

No one is evil. We are all seeking happiness, it's just that some are wiser in this search than others.

It's just ignorance. Perhaps she thinks that the cursing, drugs and smoking make her look cool, or more attractive to the boys, or just part of the group she hangs about with. It's all pleasure-seeking to cover up her inability to find true happiness. Maybe her friendliness towards you is more genuine than she will let on. She probably needs a good friend if she hangs around with shallow people all the time.

I know its a big ask, but you need to learn patience - with yourself as well as others. And try to see the good in people, rather than focussing on the bad. We are all potential Buddhas, no matter outward appearances.

Remember that kindness is not always doing what people ask - sometimes the kindest thing to do is say no, or to keep your distance from someone. Nevertheless, you should always aim to show kindness whenever you can, but maybe start with just letting your step-sister hang around with you, without expecting anything from her or wondering if it's genuine or not?

All the best

Bodhgaya

You're right.
I had forgotten about seeing the good over the bad, so to speak.

Thank you.

compassionate_warrior

You don't have to take her phone calls. You can screen your calls. Become more difficult to reach. Speak kindly but firmly with her, and don't give her any money. Practice good boundaries, and she'll eventually get the message. If you're being a doormat and giving her what she wants (including attention), you're not doing her any favors; that isn't compassion.

Bodhgaya

I remembered a quote from a movie, from what both of you have said, it's from Legion:

'You gave him what he wanted, I gave him what he needed.'

Vangelis

Ignore bad behaviour and reward good behaviour. Don't pay much attention when she's swearing and when she does something genuinely good, give her praise or give her some money or whatever she wants. Don't make it obvious that it's a reward for the good behaviour. Just do it

Also, your behaviour is very important. Show by example. Eventually it will change her behaviour. Above all, have patience.

Bodhgaya

I do agree.
We are somewhat opposite- she rather praises unskilful behaviours, heh.
But if I get the chance, I suppose I will try. I don't generally don't like going anywhere with her, so I'm not sure how this will be affective.

compassionate_warrior

It can be put into practice when she calls or emails. It's all in how you respond to her.

federica

Bodhgaya, also - learn to distinguish between Wise Compassion - and idiot Compassion.

"idiot" compassion is equivalent to giving a man a fish.
"Wise" Compassion is equivalent to Teaching a man to fish.

One supports, but does not enable.
The other, Enables, and teaches the person to support themselves.

Wise Compassion does not always appear soft and kind. Sometimes, wise compassion is like a bucket of cold water, or a kick in the Maximus profundis.

Sharp, but to the point.....

Bodhgaya

That is all very well and good, and I do understand that to be a valuable practice. I do agree that compassion isn't always being kind and fluffy, but doing what one needs. But what about, say, you had a worksheet to fill out, and I did it but a friend did not and wants my answers. Would it be wise to help her, or idiotic?

Thanks!

Dakini

Your friend needs to learn to be responsible for filling out her own worksheet. Why would you enable her? She's an adult, isn't she? And if this is an exam sheet, she's responsible for learning the test material. And how would putting your answers down on something that's supposed to evaluate her be helpful? What if the form asks for her gender, and she puts down "male", because she's using someone else's answers?

Bodhgaya

Heh.

You /are/ right, but I don't like making people angry with that. It's simple enough for them to do it theirselves, but simple enough or me to 'help'. If you call it that. What about in a foreign language class, when they ask for a translation? Should I just hand them a book?

federica

Heh.

You /are/ right, but I don't like making people angry with that. It's simple enough for them to do it theirselves, but simple enough or me to 'help'.

Sure, 'help' by all means. but don't 'do it for'. Assist, don't take over.

What about in a foreign language class, when they ask for a translation? Should I just hand them a book?

Yeah, why not?
if they're there to learn, they can only learn better if they have to also be self-sufficient. It's a given fact that personal research makes learning that subject more concrete.

Imagine you're learning Russian.
They go to Russia,
"Help, we don't understand! Hang on, I'll call Bodhgaya, he can come over here and interpret, after all, I managed to get him to do all my coursework for me!"

And pay your own airfare while you're at it....:rolleyes:

How far will you go to help someone before you realise you have been transformed from 'helper' to 'sucker'?

Bodhgaya

I agree with you there- being told something isn't as good as understanding and figuring for yourself. That's good advice, but I feel if I didn't 'do it for' them, they'd get angry. People aren't always so forgiving, teenagers especially.

federica

Whose Anger is it? Theirs. Meh, let 'em keep it, you don't want it. Thanks anyway.

And besides, you are predicting anger, but it just so happens it will probably be speechless shock.

When I was very young, I thought the way to make friends was to do whatever they asked me to do. They would like me then, right?
Wrong.
A person (who was as it turns out, a better friend than they were) once said to me - "You know, you shouldn't do everything they ask. They're just walking all over you, they don't respect you or like you, they're just using you!"

So, as this was at boarding school, we were all in the Common Room watching TV together one evening, and one girl turned to me, and said "Fede, go up and get my cardigan, will you? it's in my room."
I replied, "No, go get it yourself."
Her jaw nearly hit the floor.
"Why?" she demanded, her face a picture of astonishment.
"Because I'm watching this programme!" I replied, not taking my eyes off the screen.
After a second or two of astonished silence, she got up and went to fetch her own cardigan.
nobody ever asked me to do anything for them again.
And they were never friends in the first place.

Bodhgaya

That's very true, much indeed. I have a friend who, unfortunately, has the same problem that you once did. I believe he's learned not to let it happen often, though!

If I don't want to be rude, could I always tell them I don't know the answer, but tell them how to find it, even if I do know it?

compassionate_warrior

Of course, that's very sensible. Empower them to help themselves. I think you're getting the hang of this.

Bodhgaya

Woo. Well great! I was told not to lie, but I am not lying for my benefit.

federica

....
If I don't want to be rude, could I always tell them I don't know the answer, but tell them how to find it, even if I do know it?

That's lying, so no.
Don't try to take the easy way out and avoid their anger simply to make you more comfortable. It's dishonest and you will know it.
And think about it - if you know how to find it - then you know it - don't you?

Woo. Well great! I was told not to lie, but I am not lying for my benefit.

That doesn't count I'm afraid, because if you're lying, there is some benefit to you.

Bodhgaya

I was afraid someone might say that, but you are right. I suppose if they are angry, it's nothing personal, they just wanted me to do something for them, and I refused.

With lying, you should never do it, correct?

federica

Yup, just about sums it up.

Dakini

:rolleyes: good grief.... you don't have to tell them you don't know it, just tell them how to find it without saying anything more. If they continue to badger you for the answer, then just say, "you know how to find the answer". Repeat as needed.

Bodhgaya

That's reasonable.

Also, I have a few acquaintances/friends that take drugs recreationally and believe they help with meditation, and argue for it, since I disagree. Should I not argue or try and get them to not use drugs, or just say that they may be right?

That's always stumped me.

federica

Don't argue, but don't say they're right either.

Dakini

That's reasonable.

Also, I have a few acquaintances/friends that take drugs recreationally and believe they help with meditation, and argue for it, since I disagree. Should I not argue or try and get them to not use drugs, or just say that they may be right?That's always stumped me.

Oh, Good Grief!! :shake: GET NEW FRIENDS! (sorry for yelling) This has come up so many times in the last few weeks on this site. The principle of cultivating "virtuous friends", and all. If your druggie friends are bugging you, spend less time with them, and hang out with non-druggie friends.

Bodhgaya

You(both) are right.

Capital letters are quite all right! They are fond of me, I guess, so I haven't the heart or strenght to bid them farewell.

Dakini

Well, sooner or later you may get to the point where you're just plain bored with them, or for whatever reason, their company no longer gives you pleasure.

But in the meantime, you don't have to bid them farewell, just move them to the back burner. Find friends who conform with your values to move to the front burner.

Be happy.

Bodhgaya

To be honest, I believe I've gotten to that point of feeling pretty depressed around them

But thank you, be happy as well, all of you!

Dakini

Yes, it's ok to find new friends, don't feel guilty. Sooner or later, we all go through a phase like that (or 2 or 3). Nice chatting with you.

Bodhgaya

Same to you. Thanks for the help!