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How to deal with gossip

ThailandTomThailandTom Veteran
edited January 2011 in Buddhism Basics
I live in a building with a lot of thai women and there is a lot of gossip going around, how to deal with this.. I think they are gossiping about my valium addiction and question my girlfriend why she is with me.. They see my addition and only this, not how I conduct myself, how I treat people and my gf. Mt gf is tired of this gossip and so am I, what can we do....

Comments

  • RogerRoger
    edited January 2011
    I have to be honest with you, like I'd be with myself. I'd call it drug addiction, not valium addiction. Unless I knew the person very well for a long time I would not feel comfortable living next door to someone who is addicted to drugs. So, I would not call what they are engaging in as mere idle gossip. They are trying to cope with a scary possibly unpredictable situation. I am very sorry if this sounds harsh and lacking in compassion. I just don't know how else to see your situation. They are your neighbors not your close friends. They can't see the what whole situation might be; in other words: say you are truly genuinely and truly harmless to them, but they can't fully believe that because of the drugs.
  • ThailandTomThailandTom Veteran
    Ah yes, I see that now. It always helps to obtain an outside point of view, thank you very much. I guess all they know of me is what they have seen in the past few months, not my life or how I actually am, they only see this addiction. In itself, this is narrow minded, but that is the monkey mind. Sunday I am going to a temple and being a monk for 3 days, I went there today and they said I can stay as long as I like for free. It is in the mountains, so tranquil.
  • RogerRoger
    C'mon Tom. Get yourself together! No need to hurt yourself with that addiction stuff! Anyway, enjoy the mountains. :(
  • ThailandTomThailandTom Veteran
    it just gets to me that these people think bad of me... I know I am not a bad person, but why do I get this gossip and reaction. When a man who talks slimy and kindly but acts in an unorthodoxy way and gets treated in a better manner...

    I just want to know how to act towards these ''gossipers'', there is no 'I', things are not what they seem, I know this but still I get hurt and so does my ego.

    I shall go to the mountains sunday, I am looking forward to it. They are pretty lenient monks, you can go to sleep when you want to, but have to wake at 5am, 2 meals a day at 7am and 11am, meditation at 5pm for as long as you wish. It is a huge rural complex of temples and shacks, i Love it.
  • RogerRoger
    edited January 2011
    I can only speak from my own experience, what I'd do and how I'd feel Tom. It's a tough situation. I'd feel caught up in the situation I created. People expect me to behave in a certain way and I do it. Why? because it places less stress on them and it's no big deal for me to behave that way. So, if my neighbors loved dogs and I told them my true feelings (that I think dogs will dirty my house and make it smell) there'd be no way to change what they think about me after that. So? I avoid telling them my true feelings just to make everybody comfortable. Besides, when two or more "ordinary" (non-Buddhist :D ) people get together and "pool" their ideas about a particular person there's no predicting the conclusions they will reach and reinforce amongst themselves. Sorry this is kind of rambling. Might be useful for you... . :)
  • DaltheJigsawDaltheJigsaw Mountain View Veteran
    Where do you live?
  • DaltheJigsawDaltheJigsaw Mountain View Veteran
    I can only speak from my own experience, what I'd do and how I'd feel Tom. It's a tough situation. I'd feel caught up in the situation I created. People expect me to behave in a certain way and I do it. Why? because it places less stress on them and it's no big deal for me to behave that way. So, if my neighbors loved dogs and I told them my true feelings (that I think dogs will dirty my house and make it smell) there'd be no way to change what they think about me after that. So? I avoid telling them my true feelings just to make everybody comfortable. Besides, when two or more "ordinary" (non-Buddhist :D ) people get together and "pool" their ideas about a particular person there's no predicting the conclusions they will reach and reinforce amongst themselves. Sorry this is kind of rambling. Might be useful for you... . :)
    Defenitely useful!
    Thank you!
  • RogerRoger
    edited January 2011


    Defenitely useful!
    Thank you!
    Oh, you are too kind! :rolleyes: Thank YOU!
  • seeker242seeker242 Zen Florida, USA Veteran
    >what can we do

    Get help so you can stop your drug addiction?
  • zombiegirlzombiegirl beating the drum of the lifeless in a dry wasteland Veteran
    edited January 2011
    it just gets to me that these people think bad of me... I know I am not a bad person, but why do I get this gossip and reaction. When a man who talks slimy and kindly but acts in an unorthodoxy way and gets treated in a better manner...

    I just want to know how to act towards these ''gossipers'', there is no 'I', things are not what they seem, I know this but still I get hurt and so does my ego.

    I shall go to the mountains sunday, I am looking forward to it. They are pretty lenient monks, you can go to sleep when you want to, but have to wake at 5am, 2 meals a day at 7am and 11am, meditation at 5pm for as long as you wish. It is a huge rural complex of temples and shacks, i Love it.
    i think gossip hurts the worst when it is true. of course, gossip is not beneficial, but perhaps you can use this as fuel to do what you know you need to. be thankful for the opportunity to receive an outsiders perspective, even if it comes in a form devoid of compassion. every action a person takes is out of a desire to be safe and happy, even if it seems convoluted, i agree with roger that your neighbors are probably just worried. but you're in luck! because based upon my talks with you, i know you to be a genuinely nice guy and i'm sure you can convince them otherwise, you might just have to go out of your way to do it.
  • t4nkt4nk
    You are in complete control of the situation , more than you realise. All you need to do is to make the almighty step of handling your addiction. Once they see you succeeding at it, they will quickly become preoccupied with other things in their lives. You are in control. Not them. Remember that.
  • ThailandTomThailandTom Veteran
    Thank you people for your opinions and words of wisdom. I think I can take something from each of your posts.
    The silly thing is, I know most of these things but I never am mindful of when I am going about my day to day business, such as everybody does something to avoid unhappiness or to feel good.

    I may also try to take the approach where I see everything and everyone around me as one, that our world and our life is in our brain. We project our life so in theory what I send out is what will be.

    Thank you again, Tom :)
  • ToshTosh Veteran
    Tom, does it really matter if people are gossiping about you? And do you really know if they're gossiping about you? Drug addiction and alcoholism are often called 'diseases of the self'; and in my experience that often meant that not only did I suffer with poor self esteem, I also had a massive ego to boot to try and cover up my esteem issues. Obviously I didn't realise this at the time, but I thought I was also at the centre of everything and people often talked about me. The reality was probably very different.

    And what's that sutta where the Buddha gets abused by some person, yet remains calm? Afterwards the Buddha explained that he stayed calm because he 'didn't take the present offered' (the anger that was directed at him). So don't take the present; if these people are gossiping about you, it means nothing till you think about the gossiping and you give it a negative meaning in your mind.

    Personally, I doubt Buddhism would've gotten me sober; whether I went on a Buddhist retreat or not. At some stage you and your mind will be back in the 'real world' where you'll have ready access to drugs and alcohol. Stopping drugging and drinking is easy; it's the staying stopped that's the difficult part and for that I use A.A..

    Take care, Tom.
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