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Some advice on a personal issue
Hi guys / gals,
I have a bit of a personal dilemma and given that you're all smart compassionate people I was hoping for some input.
Me and my partner split up around September last year. It was not on bad terms, we just weren't seeing enough of each other (it was a long distance thing).
She moved in to a house a couple of months before we split up and I've been paying her rent from day one. I'm in a pretty well paid job and she is not which is how the situation came about. The reason I didn't stop paying it immediately was that I wanted to give her a chance to get a better paid job so she could better afford the place.
However, it has been 4 months now and she does not seem to have made any serious attempt to get a better job or resolve the situation. I've recently had to move in to more expensive accommodation (I was staying with a friend but he needed the space back).
Because this accommodation is more expensive I'm now struggling to get myself set-up with basics. For instance, I am sitting on the floor of my attic typing this.
If I stop paying her rent she will end up in a dire financial situation as she does not currently make enough to cover even the rent, let alone the other bills. She is covered by a guarantor but it hardly seems fair to move the problem to them.
What would be the Buddhist thing to do? My heart says keep paying my head says don't.
Any input would be gladly appreciated.
I have a bit of a personal dilemma and given that you're all smart compassionate people I was hoping for some input.
Me and my partner split up around September last year. It was not on bad terms, we just weren't seeing enough of each other (it was a long distance thing).
She moved in to a house a couple of months before we split up and I've been paying her rent from day one. I'm in a pretty well paid job and she is not which is how the situation came about. The reason I didn't stop paying it immediately was that I wanted to give her a chance to get a better paid job so she could better afford the place.
However, it has been 4 months now and she does not seem to have made any serious attempt to get a better job or resolve the situation. I've recently had to move in to more expensive accommodation (I was staying with a friend but he needed the space back).
Because this accommodation is more expensive I'm now struggling to get myself set-up with basics. For instance, I am sitting on the floor of my attic typing this.
If I stop paying her rent she will end up in a dire financial situation as she does not currently make enough to cover even the rent, let alone the other bills. She is covered by a guarantor but it hardly seems fair to move the problem to them.
What would be the Buddhist thing to do? My heart says keep paying my head says don't.
Any input would be gladly appreciated.
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Comments
Once you're done paying her rent, can you help me with my monthly bills?
This is a more personal opinion than a buddhist one - I would stop paying the rent as this is ultimately going to cause a sense of attachment to one another and now that you are removing one final connection is this likely cause her pain.
I dont think its wise to keep paying for her rent as its not fair on you.
take care LL
You wish to exercise compassion. That's commendable and understandable.
But you must distinguish between Idiot (heart) Compassion, and Wise (head) Compassion.
as I've said elsewhere, Idiot compassion is akin to giving a man a fish every day.
Wise Compassion is akin to teaching him to fish.
One 'disables', the other 'enables'.
What you do is to explain to her very calmly and kindly, that you are going to find it difficult to continue with the arrangement you currently have, because now that your circumstances have changed, you are not as replete with funds as you were - or would like to be.
you're sorry it has come to this, you'd hoped to be able to carry on - but you have to give her notice that in 'X' weeks you are going to have to terminate payments of the rent.
"Hardly seems fair to move the problem to them".
I agree. But she has been very glad to do leave the problem to you. I'm not saying it's deliberately selfish, but she';s been complacent....
By doing the above, you are asking her to now take - and accept - responsibility fopr herself.
If she protests, explain you're giving her (some) time to find an alternnative solution, but that's all you can do.
It's not unkind, it's not cruel, it's not selfish.
It's about time, though....;)
And don't neglect to remove the "Sucker" sign she taped to the back of your jacket, or I'll come around asking you for help.
Buddhist + Compassion ≠ doormat
You are not responsible for her financial well being. (As far as I can tell from what you've written.) Cut her loose.
Federica: Thanks for the advice on head and heart compassion. This is perhaps something for me to meditate on as I usually struggle to differentiate the two when faced with a situation.
And to be brutally honest with your answers.
The effect on her is for her to decide. What he does and how he proceeds is his.
Given that he has posted his perception of his issue, we have given him responses relevant to his perception. The advice is not lacking in relevance or direction.
If he acts upon our opinions and input, then whatever resulting consequences will reflect the "accuracy" of his account.... Yes, he can. It's his money keeping her entirely in a manner to which she seems to have become accustomed. That's not his problem. She may disagree, object, protest, argue and resent his decision. That doesn't alter his right to make this decision. Remember, this is not simply a decision based on personal desire. This is a decision he's making because circumstances now dictate he is unable to continue with the arrangement.
All her disagreement and protest will not change the fact that he cannot now afford to keep paying her rent. Why would he need to do that?
There is no contract broken, there is no reneging on an agreement.
This was a voluntary action on his part that he is now unable to continue fulfilling.
He's not "cutting off support". He is giving her ample notice that in a definitive period of time, he will have to stop paying her rent for her.
He is giving her adequate warning and notice. That's reasonable, and frankly, more than she is entitled to....
There isn't a court anywhere, that will determine his actions and decision as unreasonable.
Also, I have no idea whether the OP lives nearer to you, than to me, so "where you come from" really means diddly squat, insofar as the legality is concerned. The OP, I believe, is in the UK.
See this article. (section 3.4)
In the UK, there is no legal premise for a 'common Law relationship'. It means absolutely nothing at all. people may mistakenly believe it does, but the only 'relationships' that mean anything (and give legal recourse), are either marriages where a wedding has taken place, or a Civil Union exists.
It was an agreement between them, but it's not legally binding, and even if it were, he's giving her adequate notice. He's not turning her out onto the street. He's given her due notice.
I think TBH, that covers his obligations.
EDIT NOTE:
They broke up last September. If she had ever felt she had any legal possibility to convert this into a legally-binding agreement, she should have done so sooner.
Secondly - she has a guarantor.
So in fact, she may well be slipping from one method of easy-living - to another.
Suffice to say that I am not directly responsible for what our Law dictates. Things are as they are, because they happen to be this way here. I don't "get my view" from anywhere. Whether I personally agree with it or not - It's legislation, and I do not have sufficient influence in the House of commons or the House of Lords, as a Forum Moderator, to effect a drastic change any time soon....;)
Maybe you'd like to create a thread.....?