Control - To reduce my suffering!!

lightlotus

hi - i need some advice before i really snap from stress!

couple of weeks ago i posted a thread here about how my work contract had been terminated out of the blue when i had been promised a more permanent job. Im now free of that negative place - I thought leaving would resolve all my negativity and help me to control all my frustrations and let go of all the negative things that happened there. See i've been out of work for week now and im going crazy thinking of so many negative things that happened while i was there. I cant seem to let go of all the things that happened there. Thats like bundled up now! I just feel a little used and silly for becoming so attached to job! Now that i appear to be free people are using me like an agony aunt and not respecting the fact I need time to unwind from the stress of sudden unemployment!

Not only that im seeing silly things that dont relate me - completely stress me out. Im slowly nearing towards wanting to run a mile from here and starting again. I've always tried to be compassionate even prior to converting to buddhism. But how can I control people coming to me with each and every problem they have - short example a close friend married a guy i hated and i knew he was bad for her she never listen to my advice what two years ago, and now she is calling me at 1am to say her husband is giving her a divorce!! 1 am!?! Then my much older (she 36 and i'm 29) immature sister turn up and cry her eyes out for being dumped by a guy first thing this morning (and then having a go at me for highlighting the fact the roles here should be reversed!) when I have barely slept a few winks from my friend calling me up!

Am i doing something umcompassionate in treating my coversion to buddhism a new start and then gradually exclude people who have the gift of bring out the worst in you? (and causing me suffering) how do you deal with people who are treating you like a doormat to walk over and also cry on!

Honestly its like I no longer get time for mediation as my head is buzzing with so many things which should not be affecting me!

compassionate_warrior

As for the latter problem, people coming to you with their problems (at all hours), sounds like you've mistaken Buddhism for Doormat-ism. Set up clear and firm boundaries, perhaps softening the blow by saying you're stressed out yourself, and can't handle 1am calls at this time in your life. (Or turn the tables: call them to discuss your problems. Maybe they'll get the message.)

As for the former problem: how to let go of resentment--it's a good question. Difficult to do. Let me know when you figure it out--I could use some help with that too.

DhammaDhatu

you are learning buddhism but you are still a human being

disconnect your phone at night

focus on finding the right job and environment for yourself

for example, buddhist monks live a very orderly life

monasteries have set phoning hours

if it is urgent, your friends can call Lifeline

all the best

lightlotus

As for the latter problem, people coming to you with their problems (at all hours), sounds like you've mistaken Buddhism for Doormat-ism.

I think its my studies into buddhism that have revealed to me that I am a doormat! Im sort of enlightend to how all my suffering has been due to being assessible whenever friends, relatives or employers need me. That even now when Im making it apparent I want space people just turn up - i live in North London and my sister drove from Surrey and right accross the whole of London to cry near me. I am sort of considering haing to control who I allow near me and potentially isolating myself from some people.

compassionate_warrior

Don't think of it as "isolating". Think of it as moving some people to the back burner, and other (more supportive of you) people to the front burner. The current picture shows that your friends and relatives have legitimate needs, but yours, for some reason, don't count, even with you (because you neglect them in favor of everyone else's needs). Build a new picture, where your needs come first (this isn't selfish; you won't be much good to anyone else if you're frequently resentful or burned out), and everyone else's come second, third, etc. You deserve to have a life, you deserve to have friends to turn to when you need someone to talk to, you deserve to have your needs met. Happy lightlotus !

[DeletedUser]

At times, you ought to advise to your friend on "what is true love", and join you for meditation. Time will heal their sorrow

pegembara

Once there was a snake, a cobra that was meditating in a forest. This cobra was meditating on loving-kindness and he was really practising hard, saying: "May all beings be well, may all beings be happy, may all beings be peaceful." He was having a beautiful metta meditation and he had such a nice gentle smile on his face.

Then an old woman came along carrying a bundle of firewood. This old woman couldn't see very well, she didn't recognise the cobra and she thought he was an old rope. She used the cobra to tie the bundle of firewood, and as the cobra was practising metta meditation he just allowed the woman to do that. "May you be well, may you be happy, may you be peaceful", the cobra thought. When the woman had taken the bundle back to her home the cobra escaped after many difficulties. He was in a lot of pain, bearing many bruises and wounds.

So then the cobra went straight to his meditation teacher and said: "I want an interview." The teacher asked: "What is the problem?" "What is the problem!" the cobra replied. "I was practising your meditation of loving-kindness and see what has happened to me!" In response the teacher said very calmly, "You were not practising loving-kindness, you were practising idiotic compassion. You should have shown her that you were a cobra, you should have hissed!" Sometimes we also have to show people that we are cobras. There are times where you have to assert yourself, otherwise people can start exploiting you. They can take advantage of your so-called loving-kindness. But you have to know when to hiss.

Cloud

@pegembara, Great story. Have to always remember to add wisdom to compassion, and vice versa.

zombiegirl

i love that story pegembara, thank you for sharing.

lightlotus, i agree with others that you should not be a doormat. but i am curious, do things like this happen all the time or was it just a coincidence that your friend called you and your sister showed up? i don't know the relationship between you and these people, but if a friend of mine called me at 1am (and does not do it all the time), i would assume that something was very wrong and they needed to talk. i would listen as best as i could and try to be helpful. this is what friends do, right? i used to suffer from very bad depression and i have called some of my friends in the middle of the night when i needed someone to be there for me. i would have been very hurt if one of my friends just shunned me away.

and with your sister, it sounds as if she is suffering a great deal as well. i'm sure your sister didn't know your friend had called you that night and that certainly isn't her fault. it's never very kind when someone is explaining their suffering to turn it around and say, "i've got too many problems to deal with yours!" you don't have to carry the burden of her getting dumped, i'm sure all your sister really wanted was someone to listen.

i read a book by thich nhat hanh called "Anger" that discusses compassion and listening and focuses mainly on how to express loving kindness through our interactions with the ones we love. it really helped me curb some of my more selfish tendencies.

there will always be people who "bring out the worst in you" the world has no short supply of them, lol. best to learn how to deal with them in a way that does not frustrate you.

this is a great dharma talk by Ajahn Brahm on how to deal with difficult people:

http://www.youtube.com/user/BuddhistSocietyWA#p/u/17/zSQI1e8D3Qo

lightlotus

hi Zombiegirl,

I actually totally handled the sister situation wrong from a while back and should have addressed that a long time ago. I think the friend situation too, she is the type to seek my advice I give it and she doesnt take it and comes back to me!(not fair i know, im not a counsellor at all but she views me as one!) Im pretty compassionate and caring to most people and generally everyone around me understands that there is a line that should not be crossed, these two people on the other hand keep pole vaulting across that line.

I recently totally snapped at my sister during a family get together (I think i posted a tread about that here too) and since then a few relatives have come up to me and said to me "about time someone put her in her place...she acts 7 years younger than you and not older!". I have had a long period of ill health and when I needed her she was never there but i set that aside on so many occassions that i feel like i'm at the end of the line so to speak.

thanks for the link and advice zombiegirl - i need to master this skill and become more compassionately assertive as things like this have been happening for a while and not just these two occasions its been at work and everywhere which has been leading me to become stress out at work and emotionally burnt out to the point where my head is buzzing pre-meditation. I've started to looking online for nearby meditation classes as my meditation routine has helped me loads.

LL