suppression of anger

gracelee

I often get annoyed with my partner/family for no good reason, for example I might be annoyed by the way my partner eats his food or something minor like that, now I don't always want to tell him that I'm annoyed because he isn't actually doing anything wrong but I also don't want to continually suppress anger.... even if its not the really explosive kind..
any ideas

Sabre

Try to practice loving-kindness meditation / metta with a focus towards your family.

ravkes

I feel you. I get annoyed at my family too. Sometimes when my mom talks a lot, or when my dad can't hear too well. It's really minor but I too used to get into fits of rage about this stupid stuff, it's really hilarious when you can turn back and really see yourself in these situations lol you end up looking like a fool. But anyways, I started a small meditation practice 5-10 minutes a day initially. So when the annoying things would happen I was trained to stay with them and see them for what they were. The emotion of anger, the thoughts, my mother talking too much, my dad not hearing too well. In the beginning it was tough because I kept clinging to the anger and I couldn't let it go or just let it be. But after a few months I noticed the progress within me. I noticed that I was able to let go of my suffering, consequently I was able to be kind and more compassionate to my parents. This seeing gave rise to lots and lots of positive thoughts about how much they've done for me in my life. So now after 6-8 months, instead of getting angry I make an effort to listen closely to my mom - funnily enough when I pay attention she talks less. And I also understood that my dad is getting older so that's why he can't hear too well, and I saw that one day I will be there too so as not to judge him.

We're blinded sometimes, don't feel upset over this it's normal. It takes discipline and love to see things as they are and everybody has the potential to see things clearly.

Hope that helps

dorje

Could there be any other reason why you are angry? Stress at work/school? Peer pressure? Hormonal changes? Other unresolved anger from the past?

All these other factors when bottled up can sometimes overflow into other parts of your life, even when you don't intend to. So if there are some of these factors, you might want to look at them and resolve them instead. They usually alleviate your problem almost immediately.

The simplest thing you can do is to meditate. Just observe your breath. Every time a thought comes to distract you, let it go and get back to your breath. Initially it's almost impossible, because of the mental chatter. It's especially so with angry people because the mind always tries to justify the anger. Be aware of that chatter.

Also you might want to try to find the cause of anger in your body. Does it come from your head? From your hand? From your eyes? From your heart area? You'll come to realize there's no reason to get angry, because none of your body parts are any sources of the anger at all! So why let this anger get to you and affect you physically, mentally, emotionally?

Of course, this comes with practice, It's almost impossible initially, but it does get better and easier with practice.

federica

I often get annoyed with my partner/family for no good reason, for example I might be annoyed by the way my partner eats his food or something minor like that, now I don't always want to tell him that I'm annoyed because he isn't actually doing anything wrong but I also don't want to continually suppress anger.... even if its not the really explosive kind..
any ideas

This isn't anger, necessarily. I'd try to call it like it is.

This is judgement, and some irritation that someone is not behaving as you want them to.
If people do not comply with our own personal standards of behaviour, we feel affronted and offended....

so you are offended, because you are judging someone as below your standard.

Start with everything that's wrong with that.....:D

Dazzle

Hi gracelee,

A simple way of releasing anger is to notice it as it arises and then placing your awareness with your breathing,gently say mentally "Letting go" with each outbreath .....and then relax....(flippy floppy ) We can become very tense when we're angry and this helps to gently let go of that tension.

This link to loving kindness meditation instructions might be helpful:

http://www.buddhanet.net/metta.htm

With kind wishes,

Dazzle

.

gracelee

thanks guys xx

zenff

I like what Ravkes, Dorje, Federica and Dazzle commented.

Basically the point is that there is an option somewhere in between expressing and suppressing anger.
I’d say that option is “allowing it to be there”.
We keep it to ourselves, but we don’t fight it.
It can even become a challenge to fully experience it and to accept it.

This practice (which is a kind of meditation obviously) is compassionate both to ourselves and our emotions and to others.

Maybe Ravkes, Dorje, Federica and Dazzle said it better. But I responded because I think it’s a very important question and the “answer” is a quite subtle matter.

compassionate_warrior

Sometimes annoyance at minor things can be a symptom of depression. But if you have this reaction only to certain people, then, probably it's not depression.

I make an effort to listen closely to my mom - funnily enough when I pay attention she talks less.

Ravkes, your mom probably talked a lot because she could see you weren't paying attention, and she was trying to get your attention! Once she saw that you were giving her your full attention, she didn't need to excess verbiage. ^_^ Life's little ironies.

Barra

I remember having a fight with my ex one time about the best approach to painting the ceiling. During the fight I realized that neither of us had ever done this before, but each was professing to be an expert. Didn't stop me at the time, because I thought I had the best approach.

Sometimes I am inclined to just give in, if its not worth fighting about, but this tends to surprise the person when they find out later that you actually had a strong point of view.......

zombiegirl

I often get annoyed with my partner/family for no good reason, for example I might be annoyed by the way my partner eats his food or something minor like that, now I don't always want to tell him that I'm annoyed because he isn't actually doing anything wrong but I also don't want to continually suppress anger.... even if its not the really explosive kind..
any ideas

for me, if i am feeling annoyed with the little things like that it's usually either:
A. a sign that i'm close to my 'cycle' or
B. a symptom of a much bigger problem.

it's never really about the way someone eats their food... i'm either projecting frustrations from my own life onto them or i have a deeper problem with that person that needs to be worked out.

[DeletedUser]

A little grace is you feed your partner with food through your lips

pegembara

My friend/family makes me angry. What to do?

It's always the other person! So the point is my friend/family member is not behaving in the way I want him/her to behave. So you see from this simple question you discover the problem is not with my friend/family but with me having an expectation of how my friend should be. Then you learn to take responsibility for your anger, and you stop blaming others and start taking responsibility. And that's how a change, a transformation can take place in ourselves from the single question: why do I get angry?

TheJourney

Let people know how you feel if you think it's necessary and you do it in the most polite way possible given the situation.

AllbuddhaBound

It is funny to think that the way someone else eats can be irritating. I also think the emotion is fueled by some kind of resentment towards that person. I think the resentment is there first and then we find justification for the feeling by pointing out silly things. Often, initially the way we think about people's mannerisms can be quite positive (like thinking they are cute or endearing) and then as life happens, we come to resent them, and we can begin to hate that about others.

For me, my resentment is really fed by my self-righteous belief that a certain person is nothing like me. I start looking for differences and then use them as justification for feelings of anger or rejection.

The antidote I find most useful is to become introspective and mindful of what lies under the feeling, and also focusing on similarities between us rather than differences.

federica

Let people know how you feel if you think it's necessary and you do it in the most polite way possible given the situation.

Very good advice for any situation.
Nice.

Mountains

I found that such meaningless and simple annoyances started to drift away (started, mind you) once I started my mindfulness practices. I began to see them (began, mind you) as originating in my own mind, and that they have nothing whatsoever to do with the object of the annoyance. They're a construct of my own mind, and are designed (cleverly) by my ego to boost itself and justify its own existence. Once I began to realize (began, mind you) to realize this on a more frequent basis, the 'annoying' behavior became inconsequential. Also, it helps to assess what in your own actions is likely to be annoying as hell to others and see things from their perspective.

andyrobyn

Noticing what is happening in my body has proven very useful for me ... becoming aware of and noticing the impact of the feeling - as Zenf said above the "answer is subtle "