Anti Doormat Plan has begun but i feel really guilty as i've done it all wrong! (mantra website?!)

lightlotus

Couple of days ago i posted a discussion about how people around me are just irratating and keep turning to me for advice. (http://newbuddhist.com/discussion/9028/control-to-reduce-my-suffering/#Item_4)
Which got to the point where I had a sleepless night from the interruptions! A few of you lovly people here gave me some great advice...which i have probably implemented in worst way.

I've recently had my older sister drive accross london to cry on my shoulder when he was dumped by her boyfriend of what 3 weeks! when i had the chance to say back off im not in a position to help you - i didnt and i totally snapped at her yesterday during a family dinner and put her in her place. She made a rude comment to my mum about how she is never there to help her out in a crisis - how my mum pretends to be a good mum. This was a big family lunch thing and i just snapped and put her in her place in front everyone. It like she has this mission in life to reverse all the loving kindness meditations that I have done in the past few months. Im feeling really bad as i think i embarrassed her and it was not my intention.

Is there a Mantra to use to help hold in anger, its like she stressed me out to the point of my head buzzing and I just lost it, I did calmly and quietly give her the sharp tongue version though where as i was looking like im calm on the outside (but i was screaming on the inside!) How do you control your anger at that point? I feel bad for snapping at her and some of the things i said were a little too honest! I surprised myself but I want to better control myself so I dont get to this point again! Also does anyone know of a mantra website? where you can get a list of them and they meanings?

Dakini

hmmmm...seems like you need to get together with her during a calm moment, and talk to her (calmly) about how you're having your own troubles right now, and aren't in a position to be her rock. Suggest she use her own friends as a resource, when she needs to. If she presses you to be there for her, just tell her you can't right now, you're a bit overwhelmed yourself, and you need space. Play "broken record" with her, until it sinks in, but in a kindly manner.

The best thing is to talk to people /before/ your annoyance reaches the boiling point. Instead of letting annoyance build and seethe inside until it explodes, you talk to people when issues first come up, when you're able to be calm about it. If you're in the habit of stuffing your feelings in order to appear "nice", then it means you need to un-learn old behaviors,and learn new coping skills, and that takes time, but it's definitely do-able. Mindfullness can help here; be mindful of when you first feel a little put-upon or annoyed, and act on the feeling then (=talk it out with the relevant person), rather than push it out of the way and let more incidents accrue that result in more annoyance building up.

(P.S. I love the name of your Plan! )

dorje

The key to making any situation better is mindfulness. I'm always mindful of the place I talk to people, I'm always mindful of the words I say, I'm mindful of the tone I say it with, I'm mindful of the kind of person I say it to.

Or, at least, I try my best to be mindful.

I noticed that people who are standing up tend to lose their temper more easily than when they're sitting down, and people who sitting down without a drink tend to lose their temper more easily than those who are sitting down with a drink. And I noticed people sitting down with a cold drink available are less like to lose their temper than those sitting down with a hot drink, and that if you're talking in a public place where there's a lot of noise, you tend to lose your temper more easily compared to somewhere a little more quiet. Of course there are a lot of other factors, like whether you are hungry or not, the weather that day, your state of health, and so on.

So if you can find a way to get her to sit down in a quiet cafe having an iced cold glass of iced tea or coffee with you, your message might get better across.

I'm also mindful that sometimes it's just a cry for attention. Is she a middle child? Or has she been neglected in any way from your family or her friends or partner(s)? I ask this because sometimes people act out because they are looking for something they are missing in their lives. In your sister's case it's clearly the attention she craves. Maybe contacting her once in a while when she's not being needy might be a good thing to reinforce that she is in your heart. And maybe her attention-seeking ways might stop.