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Hi I really could use some solid advice

MK2011MK2011
edited February 2011 in Buddhism Basics
Hello, this is my first post here. I really could use some help. Sorry for rambling but here goes: I have a neighbor who I used to walk with and socialize with. We were friends. But I noticed she would ask a lot of favors of me (watch her kids, buy her wine etc..) but she would never be there for me when I needed her. She would say things like, "Oh pick that lotion up for me if you are at the store ($20) and I would give it to her and she'd never offer me money etc...I started to feel she was highly manipulative and a user. She also cut me off cold, stopped calling, stopped returning calls etc.. I ran into her and asked her if she was upset with me and why she stopped calling etc.., She said she was just "Busy." So I still asked her to walk but of course, she didn't reply. But then on my solo walk, she would pass me by with her other walking buddy. This happened several times. Very hurtful. So here is the really vile part. I just was at the store, she passed right by me and said to me, "Oh hi Susan" (I did not see her, she made a point to come close and get my attention, she kept walking (it felt like slow motion). She then gave me a look of disgust and looked back to her daughter, and motioned for her to "Keep it moving and not talk to me" (that was the vibe). Her actions said, you are disgusting and we want nothing to do with you. You had to be there. It was so cold and evil that I shudder. Her daughter then looked back to see my reaction. Almost like they planned it. Her daughter and I were friendly, I was very kind to all of them. So kind, that her son even said he never met someone as nice as me. I helped them a lot etc.. I felt she really wanted to hurt me and got some pleasure that she had that moment. It took me off guard and left me deeply upset and shaken. All I can say was her look and tone was so cold and dismissive and touched by evil. Here is my question? What do I do if I see her again, esp when I go for walks? I don't even want to walk anymore. I am so saddened by this. She also knows I have had a lot of challenges lately. I am so tired of being mistreated by cruel people. Its happened a lot in my life, and at this point I am so very angry. Any advice? I thought of telling her that her behavior is astonishing and sad. Just to give it back so I don't absorb her cruelty. I am having a hard time with this. Do I contact her or not. I just feel so upset by her cruelty that I wonder if I should speak up and say her behavior is destructive. I am just so tired of being mistreated. I literally cried after I saw her. Not only for how she treated me but for the state of mankind. I just don't want to be a victim. I have a tendency to internalize things and then get depressed. Thanks for any solid advice.

Comments

  • compassionate_warriorcompassionate_warrior Veteran
    I'd say let it go. Who knows why her attitude changed, but it sounds like you're not going to be able to change it. All you can do is accept that you lost a sort-of friend (but not a very good friend evenfrom the start, it sounds like), and you're probably better off without her anyway. So you can give yourself a little time to acknowledge this loss, but you could also tell yourself that it wasn't much of a loss anyway, try to see her realistically, rather than through the lens of your hopes for the friend she'd be. And move on. Find true friends. Easier said than done.
  • JeffreyJeffrey Veteran
    'try to see her realistically, rather than through the lens of your hopes for the friend she'd be.'

    That seems like great advice to me
  • MK2011MK2011
    yes, good advice but I still feel "Affected." To see her realistically means someone hates me and that cruelty was directed at me. That hurts and I seeing her realistically brings up anger. I feel like she is lacking a soul because she found pleasure from hurting me.
  • JeffreyJeffrey Veteran
    It sounds painful and you are wishing it could be otherwise. At the root of that is compassion for yourself. You wish you could find someone who would treat you kindly. And the reason for that? It goes even deeper. Only at the surface does it look like icky black angry mud. But deep down it is gold.
  • compassionate_warriorcompassionate_warrior Veteran
    Whatever she finds objectionable about you is clearly all in her mind. She seems a little unbalanced to me. So try to just write her off in your mind as someone with a problem.
  • MK2011MK2011
    Thanks guys! I forgot to mention that she has a history of a stint in a mental health place. The root of my pain is that I like people and crave frienship. I also have had a lot of backstabbing etc... and its come to a head where I just feel angry and hurt. I left my job a year ago because I was being bullied by a guy. Gruesome. His unfounded hate for me altered my view of people. I have some ptsd from his abuse. I assure you, I have searched my soul and did nothing. I always strive for peace. I just don't want the "Universe" kickin' this sort of crap my way any more. Brutal stuff. I also am thin skinned when it comes to psychological warfare.
  • MK2011MK2011
    Jeffrey, what is the root do you think? I am just tired of being hurt and betrayed. So tired that I a lot of weight because my experiences in the past couple years has been really tough and lonely. I definitely give a lot and receive heartache to often. To the point I wonder if I will make it. Its hard to love yourself when you receive none.
  • compassionate_warriorcompassionate_warrior Veteran
    edited February 2011
    One of our members, kayte, has posted quite a bit about workplace bullying. I'd never heard of it. Seems to be fairly common nowadays. BTW, I sent you a PM with some coping strategies.

    Important to get that PTSD treated. The cheapest way to treat it is if you can find an acupuncturist who knows the "Seven Dragons" treatment. 7 Dragons is for PTSD. I've done it after a car accident, it works like a charm. Otherwise a psychologist or trauma specialist who does EMDR, a technique specifically for PTSD.
  • MK2011MK2011
    Thanks Compassionate Warrior. Am I responding in the right area. I am so new and don't know my way around this website. You are lucky to have such a peaceful life that you have never heard of workplace bullying. That is the kind of life I want. I tried to respond to your PM but it bounced back. Sincere thanks.
  • compassionate_warriorcompassionate_warrior Veteran
    You can respond by using the "start conversation" button. Oh, and it won't send unless you get the name right"
    Compassionate_Warrior (with the underline).

    How is your current job?
  • JeffreyJeffrey Veteran
    I meant by the root that you are wishing for being treated well. That is why you are hurt. All this painful stuff is coming up. But the fact that you wish to be happy is very good. You tried to reach out and find a friend. And it hurt how you were rejected. But that is their loss and sooner or later you will find true friends. I think you need to find peace with yourself and then you will be attracted more to the right people. I am praying for you that someone will come into your life who is kind. Well hoping.
  • MK2011MK2011
    Thanks Jeffrey, but prayer is better than hope in my book. I am human and have needs and really want to be treated well. I have had a boatload of mistreatment. It get hard to be peaceful with so much mistreatment. But I refuse to give up.
  • JeffreyJeffrey Veteran
    edited February 2011
    Then I am praying :) You choose! Some buddhists don't like the word 'prayer' so I was being sensitive.. I believe the universe has a heart and that this negativity and hurt is something that you can work with to uncover treasures within yourself. And I pray you get to share and uncover those treasures with someone who is supportive.
  • rainbowwarriorrainbowwarrior
    such a nice thread - really good advice given by both jeff and compassionate_Warrior.
  • DakiniDakini Veteran
    Meg, you mentioned your ex-friend had had some mental health issues. That is your ticket to putting her actions and words into perspective, and dismissing it, i.e. not letting it bug you. You're giving her words/actions too much weight, too much power over your emotional life. Maybe join some clubs or do volunteer work to meet new people, and look for kind, new friends. :)
  • footiamfootiam Veteran
    You don't deserve this kind of treatment. Dump her!
  • fivebellsfivebells Veteran
    edited February 2011
    Stand outside her window this evening and serenade her with this.
  • SupertrampSupertramp
    Thanks guys! I forgot to mention that she has a history of a stint in a mental health place. The root of my pain is that I like people and crave frienship. I also have had a lot of backstabbing etc... and its come to a head where I just feel angry and hurt. I left my job a year ago because I was being bullied by a guy. Gruesome. His unfounded hate for me altered my view of people. I have some ptsd from his abuse. I assure you, I have searched my soul and did nothing. I always strive for peace. I just don't want the "Universe" kickin' this sort of crap my way any more. Brutal stuff. I also am thin skinned when it comes to psychological warfare.
    Please read this post by yourself again and be mindful of your feelings when you read it. If you haven't already, read "mindfulness in plain english" (http://www.urbandharma.org/pdf/mindfulness_in_plain_english.pdf).

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