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unable to let go

beingbeing Veteran
edited February 2011 in General Banter
Hey.


I were together with a girl for 6 years and we broke up like 8 months ago (omg, already o_O).
Anyways, I'm unable to let go of the attachment towards her. More exactly after we had broken up, I started to see, how much misery I had caused for her, when we were together. I used to act very unmindful and generally was very lost back in those days.
So I guess I felt some guilt, but also strong feelings of care for her. I wanted to express my care for her, but she had changed quite drastically within a very short period towards me. She didn't care for what I had to express, in fact she didn't even want me to do it. For her it was all over. All we could ever be from that point on for her, was friends.
I could not accept being 'only friends'. In fact I don't like these labels, so let's just say that I had much stronger feelings towards her than she had for me.
And till this day I have strong feelings of care/attachment towards her, even tho she has expressed her indifference towards me for like 999 times.

I have this strong need to fix whatever went wrong between us. I want to express my care for her. I just want to reach a mutually acceptable understanding, of what happened between us. But she says it's lame and that I don't owe her anything. I have tried to start a dialog about what happened, but obviously she's not interested and just want's me to 'get over it'. Maybe if I told her that if she participated in the dialog, she could help me 'get over it'?

I guess many of these feelings could have arisen out of some hidden guilt.
Maybe it's just my ego wanting to feel good about itself? LOL. That would be funny and quite ironical. :) I mean like "if I could prove to her, that actually I'm not such a bad person, as it seemed, when we were together, I would feel good" - what if this is what's happening in my subconscious... that would be sad, lol. :lol:
Also another factor probably is that I do not communicate with very many people in real life. I guess if there were other people in my life, it would be easier to let go.

Any tips other than more meditation? Which I have actually practiced recently. :)

I know there's not much I can do, but I reach out for help just out of desperation and curiosity, I guess.
Also, it's not actually such a big of a problem, as it may seem.


Thank you for reading. :P

Comments

  • beingbeing Veteran
    Wow. This is a bit weird. But I think I actually may had this sick realization when writing this post.

    It actually very well might be my ego, which wants to prove it worthiness. And rejection only gives more power to this funny play. Seems to make sense. :)
  • ZaylZayl Veteran
    edited February 2011
    Your best bet, is to simply let the situation go. It seems hard and very difficult... and it will be. But you will be much better off. The past is past, and it seems like that is not going to change.
  • MountainsMountains Veteran
    It actually very well might be my ego, which wants to prove it worthiness.
    BINGO! Buy that man a banana! Welcome to the first step on the path toward mindfulness :) We've all been there to some degree or other (relationships... ugh). This too shall pass.

    Congrats!
  • beingbeing Veteran
    Yeah. It's actually wonderful, how this insight let me instantly give up a lot of the load. Mindfulness for the win! :D
    Now, how to not cling to this good feeling I got from the insight... xD
  • MountainsMountains Veteran
    Just move on with life and it will pass...

  • compassionate_warriorcompassionate_warrior Veteran
    Time heals all wounds.
  • DisneyDisney
    Love is the basis of beings' existence and also very important basis for meditation practice. It causes more pain for her attempting to start a dialogue against her wish. Love never possessive for self interest of care but the willingness to work towards the happiness in her interests :cool:
  • DhammaDhatuDhammaDhatu Veteran
    edited February 2011
    Maybe it's just my ego wanting to feel good about itself? It actually very well might be my ego, which wants to prove its worthiness.
    Hi

    There is nothing wrong with your "ego" wanting to feel good about itself & prove its worthiness.

    You have seen your mistakes. You have learned from your mistakes. You wish to prove to yourself you have the ability to love.

    That's all OK. In fact, to me, to prove your worthiness is very important.

    However, it seems like your ex-girl is not the girl to test your new found love.

    If you do love her, you must abide by her wishes & let her go.

    Even if you can love, girls often want more than love. Often they want husband, family, children, house, mortgage, etc.

    Kind regards

    DD

    :)

  • andyrobynandyrobyn Veteran
    Hi DD, many men I know and have spoken with also " want" these things ie. a wife, family, children, house. mortgage etc - well maybe not the mortgage or maybe not even " all or any of of it " per say, rather it is what can be achieved and what is meaningful and productive from committing to

    warm regards
    A
  • federicafederica Seeker of the clear blue sky... Its better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak out and remove all doubt Moderator
    Time heals all wounds.
    no, actually, it doesn't. :)
  • beingbeing Veteran
    edited February 2011
    You wish to prove to yourself you have the ability to love.

    That's all OK. In fact, to me, to prove your worthiness is very important.
    The fact is, that it's not about me trying to prove myself anything. I am confident in my ability to love etc.
    But it's about my ego wanting to prove to her, that I am actually not 'as bad' as it may have seemed, when we were together.
    Now one could ask, why is it important to prove it to her? It's a good question. I think the answer lies in the fact, that we are the reflection of others. When a very important person thinks bad of me, I want to prove her, that I'm actually not, in order to prove myself, that I'm not.
    So maybe in the end it is still about me trying to prove it to myself. It's just that she has a very important role to play in this. Hehe.

    Anyways, after seeing through this play of my ego, I could instantly let go much of the load and it started to look funny more than anything else.
    I'm ok. :)


    Thank you for all your effort guys, it was helpful too read different thoughts and suggestions. :)
  • andyrobynandyrobyn Veteran
    Time heals all wounds.
    no, actually, it doesn't. :)
    What I find is that time is needed to enable us to change the habit, recover what was lost, gain understanding ... time as such can just as easily lead to bitterness, resentment, anger depending on what we choose to do

    warmest wishes to you, being

  • StardusterStarduster
    After a breakup I was sitting in a bar and saw someone even more unhappy than myself. I wondered what on Earth could be wrong with him. Then I realized I was looking at myself in the bar mirror.

    I went to the self-help section of the bookstore and read everything. A lot of the books offered psychological tests which were very interesting.

    That was 30 years ago. I got my head together, and have been fine ever since. Mostly I would say that I learned to be on my own side, to play fair, and not to let someone else hold the key to my happiness.
  • MountainsMountains Veteran
    What he said...
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