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The Buddhist thing to do!

SpockSpock
edited February 2011 in Buddhism Basics
I call my self Spock here because I'm very logical, I find making decisions easy, yet I'm human. I think that's why being a Buddhist appeals to me. However, sometimes life defies logic and I find myself in a circumstance that I dunno what to do! I'm a bit embarrassed to ask here but it is the path of least resistance.

I've got a great girlfriend who I love, but today I am more and more getting butterflies in my tummy when I'm with a very dear and close friend. Everyone has always said we were made for each other but we always laugh it off or make a joke about having sex and then pull a face like we were sucking lemons! We do love each other in the purest sense but the butterflies suggest its more than friends in my eyes.

The Buddhist think to do would be to be honest with myself and to others but I don't know how! I have meditated thinking about it.

Any thoughts?

Comments

  • CloudCloud Veteran
    @Spock, Difficult situation there. Logic has little to do with love, nor with life itself. Indeed logic is only the beginning to wisdom, and it soon ventures out into the realm of no-words, no-thought. If you think you're starting to fall for your close friend, investigate within yourself how it would likely turn out; do you think your friend has feelings for you too? Would you be happier with them than you are with the woman you love? Ultimately you're the only one who would be able to ferret out the best course of action. No one knows you as well as you!
  • compassionate_warriorcompassionate_warrior Veteran
    Go with the butterflies! Friends first tends to make for the best relationships. :)
  • DhammaDhatuDhammaDhatu Veteran
    edited February 2011
    I've got a great girlfriend who I love...Any thoughts?
    Sure.

    Obviously, you do not truely love her. Best you be honest with yourself here. This is the logical thing to do.

    Kind regards

    :)

  • formermonkJohnformermonkJohn
    edited February 2011
    the buddhist precept against adultery applies to boyfriend/girlfriend as well as married, you should by buddhist terms break it off with one before you start with the other, that is if you're trying to follow the precepts. you're in a "grass is greener on the other side of the fence" type mentality, what if the grass on the other side turns out to be astroturf, this needs some serious thought, not just acting on a whim IMO
  • PietroPumokinPietroPumokin
    edited February 2011
    hahaha
    your heart can be stained by the three poisons but it is filled with honest and true love if you feel it sincerely. just make sure that you are being honest with yourself and others.
  • LostieLostie Veteran
    Hmm...I wonder what Buddhist teachings have to say about polygamy? That's not adultery right?
    the buddhist precept against adultery applies to boyfriend/girlfriend as well as married, you should by buddhist terms break it off with one before you start with the other, that is if you're trying to follow the precepts. you're in a "grass is greener on the other side of the fence" type mentality, what if the grass on the other side turns out to be astroturf, this needs some serious thought, not just acting on a whim IMO
  • federicafederica Seeker of the clear blue sky... Its better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak out and remove all doubt Moderator
    Buddhist teachings have nothing to say about polygamy.
    or homosexuality, or polyandry or any other type of relationship.
    The precepts focus on personal responsibility and behaviour, not sexual tendencies or persuasions.
  • formermonkJohnformermonkJohn
    edited February 2011
    i guess it would imply that polygamy needs to be consensual , not behind someones back which would be defined as adultery, any experts out there on this precept?? i was told very carefully at the temple that the precept applied equally to married and unmarried relationships, whereas in the west, adultery only applied to married people. in other words from a strict buddhist interpretation, cheating on your girlfriend is warned against.
  • zombiegirlzombiegirl beating the drum of the lifeless in a dry wasteland Veteran
    I call my self Spock here because I'm very logical, I find making decisions easy, yet I'm human. I think that's why being a Buddhist appeals to me. However, sometimes life defies logic and I find myself in a circumstance that I dunno what to do! I'm a bit embarrassed to ask here but it is the path of least resistance.

    I've got a great girlfriend who I love, but today I am more and more getting butterflies in my tummy when I'm with a very dear and close friend. Everyone has always said we were made for each other but we always laugh it off or make a joke about having sex and then pull a face like we were sucking lemons! We do love each other in the purest sense but the butterflies suggest its more than friends in my eyes.

    The Buddhist think to do would be to be honest with myself and to others but I don't know how! I have meditated thinking about it.

    Any thoughts?

    what would make you the happiest? for example, i am extremely happy in my relationship... but that doesn't mean i'm not attracted to other people from time to time. my girlfriend and i have always been very honest about this and if i feel an attraction, out of respect to her, i end that friendship. is it love you're feeling or just sexual attraction? because if it's just attraction, take it or leave it depending on how happy you really are in your relationship.
  • SpockSpock
    Thanks ya all :)

    @ Former monk John :) I dunno where adultery came into it. I simply mentioned love and lust really doesn't come into it. In fact, the sex side doesn't come into it.

    Ha, as for having my cake n eating it i.e. having both of them with consent....that's as likely as me being re-incarnated as as Kylie Minogue's shower room mirror! Not bloody likely hee hee
  • SabreSabre Veteran

    Any thoughts?

    Going into thoughts wouldn't be the Buddhist thing to do here. Listen to your heart and remember that butterflies also come and go.
  • formermonkJohnformermonkJohn
    sorry for the misunderstanding, i was just giving a basic interpretation of the no sex for monks precept as applied to lay people, by the way buddhists dont have a strong no sex before marriage thing like christians,

    otherwise asking me for advice on women is kinda meaningless, i would think faithfulnness is important, and chasing more than one butterfly at the same time not so wise, i would think it important to give the one your with your full attention and if you cant do that, move on, or something like that,

    following your heart seems like good advice but your heart can be delusional too, just like your senses, and cause suffering, in other words ignore everything i've said because i don't have a girlfriend!!!!
  • footiamfootiam Veteran
    Don't do a Buddhist thing, do the right think.
  • SabreSabre Veteran
    edited February 2011

    following your heart seems like good advice but your heart can be delusional too
    It can be clouded, but it isn't delusional. Thoughts are delusional. When you start off thinking: With this girl I might be happy for so long, but the other girl is more beautiful and blabla bla, you won't get anywhere except mad and making a rushed and foolish decision.

    Listening to your heart - some call it gutfeeling, inner sense or whatever - is always the best thing to do in these kind of situations. The main problem most people (me included usually) have is their mind is usually too dull to do it well.

  • formermonkJohnformermonkJohn
    edited February 2011
    sabre i think "heart" just has different meanings to us. no problem a
  • SabreSabre Veteran
    Probably. It is impossible to accurately describe feelings with words. :)
  • RogerRoger
    edited February 2011
    IMO, Assuming you are young do what you have to do! Hormones are the driving force. Young people do "cruel" things to each other relationship-wise ("cruel" is a bad word, in my use cruel with cotton ball or cupcake would be the context). The young don't intend to hurt each other, they are just driven to. LOVE HURTS at that age.

    How do I know? Nearing middle age and having talked to many therapists I realized ALL CAN BE FORGIVEN concerning how we all acted back when we were young and "dating" or going steady or whatever you call it these days.

    Young? OK. Then don't be an..., excuse me... ahl, but okay to be a..., excuse me..., jerk. It's the hormones - tricky and powerful agents of the selfish autonomous genes! And people think they control their own actions! LOL. Ever meet a gene in a DNA strand? They are true billion-year-old sneaky heavyweights! :D
  • formermonkJohnformermonkJohn
    sabre for me the expression "being led by my heart" i would interpret as "being led by my desires" your expression of heart is more in line with what i would label "conscience" or "spiritual voice".
  • zombiegirlzombiegirl beating the drum of the lifeless in a dry wasteland Veteran
    IMO, Assuming you are young do what you have to do! Hormones are the driving force. Young people do "cruel" things to each other relationship-wise ("cruel" is a bad word, in my use cruel with cotton ball or cupcake would be the context). The young don't intend to hurt each other, they are just driven to. LOVE HURTS at that age.

    How do I know? Nearing middle age and having talked to many therapists I realized ALL CAN BE FORGIVEN concerning how we all acted back when we were young and "dating" or going steady or whatever you call it these days.

    Young? OK. Then don't be an..., excuse me... ahl, but okay to be a..., excuse me..., jerk. It's the hormones - tricky and powerful agents of the selfish autonomous genes! And people think they control their own actions! LOL. Ever meet a gene in a DNA strand? They are true billion-year-old sneaky heavyweights! :D
    exactly. the "heart" doesn't actually exist. it's all the brain responding to hormones. it sounds very blah, but i don't believe in true love or soul mates or any of that anymore. what i have now is a mutually beneficial relationship based upon common interests, understanding, personality, and attraction. sounds lame, but i am way happier than when i used to cling to my significant others because i thought they were THEONLYONEWHOEVERCOULDMAKEMEFEELTHISWAY! props if you got that :)

    i believe in doing things that make sense rationally. that's also why i could never cheat on someone. i don't live on impulse and pesky hormones. i am happy... why would i mess that up? but the real question is... are you?
  • RogerRoger
    edited February 2011


    exactly. the "heart" doesn't actually exist. it's all the brain responding to hormones. it sounds very blah, but i don't believe in true love or soul mates or any of that anymore.
    May I respectfully suggest that the "heart" and "falling in love" DO exist and are quite real? However, they are a byproduct, or a piggyback thing that comes with everything else that's also along for the ride. WHAT A RIDE! I mentioned genes, hormones, but those are just things we think we know about. Very likely lots more non-physical, non-known, non-comprehensible stuff getting mixed around and in play. No plan or purpose we can fully appreciate but there's every good reason to go with it and feel and enjoy it to the maximum.

    Happiness! Falling in love. It's good for you. Feel it. Enjoy it. Do the best you can. It's only a..., what? 20% of a dirty trick that's played on you! 3%? certainly not a huge percent! Not enough for you to quit via reasoning!

    I'm no expert but I wouldn't advise running from love at your age. Seriously? I what do I know? What I mean to say is it's a marvelous thing and I'm claiming we don't know everything that's going on. I'd give anything to meet Carole M. again in high school at the age we were! LOL. Whatever that massive secret complexity which must be there but which we are oblivious to. It goes on _through_ US! Go for it! OK to be a jerk, but not too much! :D:D:D

  • SpockSpock
    Ok, Ok I should know better :)
  • RogerRoger
    Ok, Ok I should know better :)
    Not sure if this makes sense. I heard it on TV but here goes Spock:

    "Work it baby! Work it!" :D

  • SpockSpock
    I think it goes "work it girlfriend" Roger! I am worried now
  • zombiegirlzombiegirl beating the drum of the lifeless in a dry wasteland Veteran


    exactly. the "heart" doesn't actually exist. it's all the brain responding to hormones. it sounds very blah, but i don't believe in true love or soul mates or any of that anymore.
    May I respectfully suggest that the "heart" and "falling in love" DO exist and are quite real? However, they are a byproduct, or a piggyback thing that comes with everything else that's also along for the ride. WHAT A RIDE! I mentioned genes, hormones, but those are just things we think we know about. Very likely lots more non-physical, non-known, non-comprehensible stuff getting mixed around and in play. No plan or purpose we can fully appreciate but there's every good reason to go with it and feel and enjoy it to the maximum.

    Happiness! Falling in love. It's good for you. Feel it. Enjoy it. Do the best you can. It's only a..., what? 20% of a dirty trick that's played on you! 3%? certainly not a huge percent! Not enough for you to quit via reasoning!

    I'm no expert but I wouldn't advise running from love at your age. Seriously? I what do I know? What I mean to say is it's a marvelous thing and I'm claiming we don't know everything that's going on. I'd give anything to meet Carole M. again in high school at the age we were! LOL. Whatever that massive secret complexity which must be there but which we are oblivious to. It goes on _through_ US! Go for it! OK to be a jerk, but not too much! :D:D:D

    of course. :) it depends on what you want to call it. i guess what i'm trying to say is that what i used to think about my "heart" and doing what it wants is very different from the way that i think and do things now. i used to be very addicted to bad circumstances of my own design because i clung to a specific person.

    to the OP, i wasn't suggesting that he shouldn't go for it just because it might not be the "logical" thing to do (seeing as he is already in a relationship), i was suggesting that he should sit down and figure out whether or not he's really happy in this relationship, because the fact that he's looking elsewhere suggests not...
  • compassionate_warriorcompassionate_warrior Veteran
    edited February 2011
    Good grief! :rolleyes: So much analysis of endocrine function (i.e. "hormones" lol), heart, mind, speculation about lust, love, etc. Meanwhile, back in the Here And Now... Maybe you should consider talking to your best friend, "butterfly girl", and see how she feels about it. You could tell her you really value the friendship you've had all these years and wouldn't want to mess that up, but you're starting to feel confused, because of these pesky butterflies that have suddenly started to flutter, and you're seriously wondering if the great friendship could turn into more than just a great friendship. If she says, gee, she never thought of you that way, and besides, there's this other guy she's taken an interest in, well, that solves your dilemma. But if she wants to talk about how to improve on an already great friendship, you two should talk about it. Only if you discover that the two of you are on the same page can you then reflect on the relationship you have with the other girl, and make a decision as to what would be best for you. (Isn't this what rational Spock types do? They talk to people, get the facts, find out where people stand, clarify. Good luck! ;) )
  • powerful_onepowerful_one
    haha - this is so funny - there is no such thing as the Buddhist thing to do - haha. so funny.
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