People and Names

zombiegirl

hello all,

i have held an observation of myself for a long time now, basically, i am horrible at remembering names. my brain seems to frequently mess up names (calling people by the wrong name) or just plain forgets people's names momentarily, sometimes people i have known for a very long time even. but the most troubling aspect of this regards just forgetting people's names in general. at my job, i meet a tremendous amount of people in the day to day and i never know who i will meet again. i try very hard to remember everyone's names, but i frequently forget. it is rare that i am actually caught, but when it does happen, it is insulting to the person and embarrassing to me.

a curious aspect is that it happens more with men than women. when i was waitressing, i had to work very hard to remember male patrons. women, i could easily remember every item of food and every drink, but men make me struggle a lot. i have trouble remembering their faces as well. twice now in the past few months, i have actually confused two separate men that looked very similar. i am flabbergasted that i can make mistakes such as these, but in my head, i really thought they were the same person. since i am a lesbian, this reason alone makes me wonder if it is actually something psychological instead of just blaming it on poor memory. i would hate to think that my mind seems to place more importance on remembering women just because of attraction. but i should probably mention that i have never been one for statistics or even just remembering celebrity names.

there is a certain man whom i have had at least 5-7 interactions with over probably 5 months. he has a very common name and i forget it every time. i remember previous conversations we've had, i remember his favorite bands... he even hit on me once, giving me a napkin with his name/number on it. and yet, every time i see him, i have to scroll through a list of names to remember which it is. it's strange and irritating.

my worst fear is that the reality is that i simply do not care enough about people. my mind seems to have less trouble remembering people who tip well. but this is not the type of person i would like to be. i would like to be caring and compassionate and remember everything a person tells me as important because it is important enough for the person to tell me.

it is said that the sweetest sound is the sound of one's own name... and i understand this as well. at restaurants i frequent, it makes me feel respected and cared for when i am remembered by name. at my doctor's office, it makes me feel more secure when he would remember a tidbit about my life. i see people all the time that seem to have no problem remembering names and i am unsure why it is such a difficulty for me.

i would like to cultivate this skill, but i'm not even sure where to begin... i know that forgetting names can be a common problem, so i am wondering if anyone else has this problem and what they do to try and remember?

Jeffrey

I don't have any advice on memory tricks. But allow yourself to have quirks is my advice. Allow.

federica

I have it as a dreadful problem.
So this is how I try to remedy it.

A lot of names are "duplicates". That is to say, I may already know someone with that name.
For example, we have two clients who come into our bistro, both named 'Richard'.

I always think "he doesn't look a bit like his twin"...and I think of the other guy's face.

Either that, or I remember through association. We have a lady who comes in, called Alice. She looks about as little like Walt Disney's Alice as anyone could. So I remember, she looks nothing like "Alice"....

ThailandTom

names are merely given to a person, they mean very little in my opinion. Maybe you ave something that is occupying your memory at the moment, something on your mind.. Some people are great at remembering names of people, capital cities, whatever. It really isn't that important in a spiritual sense in my opinion.

You have formulated some conclusions to why you forget these people name wise,maybe meditate on the matter deeply and see what arises..

The is a reason, a cause or multiple causes for everything that arises, don;t fret too muuch on the matter and try to accept it for what it is

Tom

zombiegirl

tom and jeffrey- thank you for pointing out something that i hadn't considered... to stop beating myself up about it this is probably very important advice, lol

fed- it's nice to know i'm not alone. i sometimes try to create odd associations in my head as well. i know a certain man that after forgetting his name once (to my mortification), i vowed to never do so again. his name is Martin and now i remind myself of the novels i read when i was a child about a mouse named Martin the Warrior. every time i see him now, he's Martin the Warrior (although i've never told him such, lol).

le sigh. perhaps there is no real cure for this like i was hoping... i suppose i will just have to keep bumbling through life extremely apologetically haha

federica

I actually researched this and you and I fall under the category of "Failure-to-store" syndrome. There are simply some details that we are unable to focus on, because we actually excel at another aspect of memory logging.
I actually 'never forget a face'. I recognise people, even after a few years of seeing them.
For whatever we recollect well, something else drops off the radar.
I now tell people, "please forgive me, it's an idiosyncrasy of mine, and I really do apologise, but I have actual problems logging names. Could you look me in the eyes and tell me your name?"
I lock eyes with them, and repeat it back to them. But I don't let myself get distracted, I focus on their features, and strive to memorise....

That usually is a big help. It's almost as if by admitting the "defect" I'm forgiving it, unlocking it and letting the info through.
as with anything else, the more you practice this, the better you get at it.....

Roger

Memory trick I use:

Say the new person's name is "Abigail."

The moment the new person's name is revealed I spend 2,10,15 or more seconds trying to come up with an Abigail or Gail I know (friend, celebrity, historical figure) and get that Abigail's face fixed in my mind.

Usually I'm not paying attention to the conversation while I'm doing this memorization. If "Abigail" notices I'm a bit remote? I say, "Yes, Abigail, I'm remote, I'm trying to memorize your name." We could even talk about her name for a minute or so.

RESULT: Abigail's name learned! PLUS: you reveal the respectful, well-intentioned, if slightly-troubled-by-learning-names, kind of person you are.

Also, have a pencil when you're on the phone. When the operator gives you his name, jot it down, at the end of the call say, "Thank you Bob." Such courtesy makes the operators day, believe me, it's gotta be true.

People feel better when you are thoughful enough to acknowledge their names; even if you'll never interact with them again. No matter where you are (well..., maybe not in prison).

aMatt

ZG,

What a wonderful person you are for wanting to make space in your mind for people, and being aggravated with yourself for being unable to pull up a little thing like a person's name!

The simple answer is "who cares?" I bet that if you stopped obsessing with a person's name, which a really small and momentary thing, then you'll have even more room for the important things! For instance with the man who hit on you, you remember so many of the things that really make him who he is! His preferences, attitudes, feelings... so who cares if your explicit memory can't pull up some symbols?

I myself am terrible with names! It takes me continued interactions to remember, and usually then I forget right away. However, if I have one intimate conversation, my empathic memory can pull up the memory of cultivated love with that person in a moment, and we can resume right where we left off with openness and compassion. Do you think that Tom would rather be called "Tom" or be heard as the evolving bundle of preferences and desires he really is?

Maybe a simple "Haha, I'm terrible with names, sorry! How is your journey in regards to XYZ going?" Show them you care, but accept yourself!

With warmth,

Matt

Cloud

@Roger, Nice memory trick, will have to try that. I'm horrid with names.

zombiegirl

fed- that's fascinating, lol. i'm USUALLY not bad with faces, but i do know that i have a nearly photographic memory in other ways. i'm sort of a messy person by nature, but i can tell you exactly where everything is. in my mind, i have no trouble recalling exactly where i placed or saw any object. my girlfriend can never seem to find anything, but i have no trouble finding things for her. and when i was in school, i could remember facts/definitions/translations by imagining the page i read them on. if i concentrated hard enough, i could sometimes read it and recall things that i didn't know without imagining the page.

roger- as you seem to imply, the real solution is to be more mindful when someone is telling you their name. taking the time to REALLY apply it to memory can be the answer. that seems simple enough thank you

amatt- thank you for making me feel better. as i mentioned in my post, my real fear is that forgetting names is a symptom of not caring about people. but i think you are right, even if i do forget their name, i can make up for it by remembering things of actual importance to the person. you also suggested a very smooth and meaningful way to move the focus from the embarrassment of forgetting a person's name. so thank you for that as well.


i know this might have seemed a rather random topic for a buddhist forum (thus why it's in general banter), but i think the responses here have elaborated exactly why i posted here. the people of this board seem to have a great way of offering helpful advice and to point out erroneous views thank you everyone.

Roger

All I can say is: