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The Ethical Way to Deal With a Liar
Hello everyone! Nice to meet you. First let me say that I love the forums here and have greatly enjoyed reading them. Since I am very new to Buddhism, I have mostly just browsed, pondered, and taken in new information and wisdom. So far, it's been very helpful to me!
I am hoping for some insights into the ethical way to deal with a situation that has cropped up in my life recently, from a Buddhist point of view, as well as your own personal viewpoints.
Recently, I learned that someone I know (let's say Person A) is deceiving someone else I know (Person
. However, it's more complicated than that. First off, I'm not 100% certain. I have the information second-hand. But the second-hand person (a third party) has no reason to lie in this instance. Furthermore, this kind of deception has been practiced by Person A at least several times in the past. Secondly, I previously dated both Person A and Person B--and now A and B are dating each other. So I personally care about both of them and their well-being. But I could always be misconstrued as trying to win back Person B with this information. (I am happily in another relationship now, and would not wish to do that.)
My dilemma--if you could follow all that!
--is this: Do I:
1) Go to Person B and say "I believe Person A is deceiving you in such-and-such a manner"? If I do, the person may not believe me, or it may be perceived as hostile or catty on my part. Furthermore, whether I am right or wrong, I could cause a great deal of pain for both A and B.
2)Or, do I confront Person A and say "I believe you are deceiving Person B and you should stop!", thus giving Person A an opportunity to hide what is happening, and/or hurting Person A with an untrue accusation?
3)Or do I say, "It is none of my business and I should not go to either?", thus causing no pain with my insights, yet not relieving any either?
4)Or, do I wait on a decision until I have more evidence, which may never happen?
5) Or, is there some option I have not yet considered? :scratch:
I realize that none of you can tell me what *TO* do, and I would not want that. But any insight you could present on this situation will help me to better resolve it myself. I have already been pondering it for more than a week :banghead:, and have asked two people I trust for advice, but I have yet to reach a satisfactory conclusion.
Thank you in advance for your assistance!
Pandora
I am hoping for some insights into the ethical way to deal with a situation that has cropped up in my life recently, from a Buddhist point of view, as well as your own personal viewpoints.
Recently, I learned that someone I know (let's say Person A) is deceiving someone else I know (Person
. However, it's more complicated than that. First off, I'm not 100% certain. I have the information second-hand. But the second-hand person (a third party) has no reason to lie in this instance. Furthermore, this kind of deception has been practiced by Person A at least several times in the past. Secondly, I previously dated both Person A and Person B--and now A and B are dating each other. So I personally care about both of them and their well-being. But I could always be misconstrued as trying to win back Person B with this information. (I am happily in another relationship now, and would not wish to do that.)My dilemma--if you could follow all that!
--is this: Do I:1) Go to Person B and say "I believe Person A is deceiving you in such-and-such a manner"? If I do, the person may not believe me, or it may be perceived as hostile or catty on my part. Furthermore, whether I am right or wrong, I could cause a great deal of pain for both A and B.
2)Or, do I confront Person A and say "I believe you are deceiving Person B and you should stop!", thus giving Person A an opportunity to hide what is happening, and/or hurting Person A with an untrue accusation?
3)Or do I say, "It is none of my business and I should not go to either?", thus causing no pain with my insights, yet not relieving any either?
4)Or, do I wait on a decision until I have more evidence, which may never happen?
5) Or, is there some option I have not yet considered? :scratch:
I realize that none of you can tell me what *TO* do, and I would not want that. But any insight you could present on this situation will help me to better resolve it myself. I have already been pondering it for more than a week :banghead:, and have asked two people I trust for advice, but I have yet to reach a satisfactory conclusion.
Thank you in advance for your assistance!
Pandora
0
Comments
Hello Pandora and welcome. Kind of you to kick off with a really easy question!!!!!
Having been in this situation a number of times, I realise that the first question I always have to ask myself concerns my own intentions. The second is to examine how I would react were I person A or person B.
After that, one must become reconciled to losing at least one friend if one intervenes.
And what about the friend who gave you the information?
P.S. I have always found that giving ex-lovers any negative info about their current pillow-mate is usually badly received!
As far as my own intentions go, originally I was very angry at Person A, and didn't want to act on that. Now that I have calmed down, I realize that my primary concern is for truthfulness--that is, if I were in Person B's shoes, I would want the truth of the situation as quickly as possible. But this is because I utterly hate deception of any kind, especially when I am being deceived. I realize that not everyone has this opinion, and there are some situations where a person might not be ready to hear the unvarnished truth.
The third party from whom I gleaned the information is actually not a friend. I wish I could say I counted everyone in this world a friend, but I'm not there yet. However, in being ethical and compassionate, I should consider this person's feelings in the situation. Just because I do not have as much personal attachment to the third person does not mean that person's feelings do not matter. Thank you for pointing that out to me!
I would talk the person engaged in the deception. Suggest he look inward and examine why he would participate in such a thing that could potentially hurt another. I would suggest to him the kind thing to do would be to stop the deception and choose a better path, for himself and those around him.
This person may appreciate your concern or he may not... but then, its only a polite suggestion and the choice remains his. I would allow yourself to become too wrapped up in the result though
I've found myself wishing that I did not know about this deception. If I didn't know, I wouldn't be involved at all. Ah, for simple solutions. :-P Actually, I find myself wondering why the person who originally told (that third party) told at all. Why reveal this sort of thing? It doesn't make sense to me.
Oh well. Looks like I'm going to be pondering a little longer yet. :-P I've noticed that the monkey mind is really good at setting us in circles.
Hopeful yet,
Pandora
Kidding.
But seriously. I guess it depends on how these people react to things. If they tend to overreact, maybe you should leave this situation alone? After all, you could be risking relationships.
In my mind, the situation is similar to that of adultery. If you discover that one person is cheating on another, do you tell the person being betrayed? Well, most people really don't want to be told, so oftentimes you're better off keeping that kind of knowledge to yourself, hard as that may be. Sometimes you can feel the person out by asking hypothetical questions as to whether they might want to know, but like I said, most people don't want to be told that sort of thing. They'd much rather learn it on their own, if at all. Besides, you never know what kind of agreement the couple has or what kind of problems maybe going on in their relationship, and those things could be something they want to keep very private.
In any event, I hope you have already worked this out. If not, good luck with it.
That worked out really well! I'm so glad.