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How are you doing? Actually I don't really want to know.

Mr_SerenityMr_Serenity Veteran
edited March 2011 in General Banter
Is it actually polite for people to ask how you are doing when they actually don't really want to know? Sometimes I think someone is my friend, but then when I confide in them and tell them about the shit going on in my life, I realize that they really can't handle it or they actually don't want to hear it. Yet they asked about me, like they were my friend.

So how can you tell if someone is actually your friend or not? I'm not even talking about work place people you hardly know too. I'm talking about people who talk to you in private quarters about more than business. Lately I find people don't really want to hear about negativity. And I'm not at all a negative person from day to day, it's rare. Rare to the point where when I share my struggles with those I think are my friend, they freak out and say they've never heard me talk that way and start asking if I'm really ok or they hardly have anything to say. But at the same time it would be great to be able to talk with a friend about shit that's going down. But I am finding most people just don't want to hear it. What do you think about that?

Do you share your issues with your friends? I'm starting to think I have nobody to share my hard moments with besides a therapist, that people just don't want to hear it in general.

Comments

  • federicafederica Seeker of the clear blue sky... Its better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak out and remove all doubt Moderator
    You reply:
    "Do you want the conventional polite answer, or would you really like to know?"

    That's how you find out who your real friends are.
    I've done this a lot.
    Works like a charm.....
  • Mr_SerenityMr_Serenity Veteran
    Thank you Federica. I will be holding on to that one. :thumbsup:
  • hermitwinhermitwin Veteran
    How old are you? You should have at least 1 close friend.
    If you dont have any its time to learn how to build strong long term friendship.
  • Mr_SerenityMr_Serenity Veteran
    edited March 2011
    I am 24 hermitwin. I have a few handful of friends, but none I can call a close friend. None of them are really like me. I am unique and different even compared to my own friends. If you have any tips for me to be able to make "close friends" you should give them to me. My last close friend was my girlfriend who I was with for almost 3 years, and she broke up with me in 2009. I haven't had a best friend like that since.
  • andyrobynandyrobyn Veteran
    Cultivating friendship is like planting a garden, and some of us have more of a green thumb than others
  • CloudCloud Veteran
    edited March 2011
    Mesa hasa no friends. ;) Too bad though, I consider everyone in the world a friend. I stay locked up in my hole.
  • GuyCGuyC Veteran
    edited March 2011
    Hi Mr Serenity,
    So how can you tell if someone is actually your friend or not?
    The Buddha gave Sigalovada a number of criteria to determine who are true friends and who are not in the Sigalovada Sutta. Hopefully this advice is of use to you:
    "These four, young householder, should be understood as foes in the guise of friends:

    (1) he who appropriates a friend's possessions,
    (2) he who renders lip-service,
    (3) he who flatters,
    (4) he who brings ruin.

    (1) "In four ways, young householder, should one who appropriates be understood as a foe in the guise of a friend:


    (i) he appropriates his friend's wealth,
    (ii) he gives little and asks much,
    (iii) he does his duty out of fear,
    (iv) he associates for his own advantage.
    (2) "In four ways, young householder, should one who renders lip-service be understood as a foe in the guise of a friend:


    (i) he makes friendly profession as regards the past,
    (ii) he makes friendly profession as regards the future,
    (iii) he tries to gain one's favor by empty words,
    (iv) when opportunity for service has arisen, he expresses his inability.
    (3) "In four ways, young householder, should one who flatters be understood as a foe in the guise of a friend:


    (i) he approves of his friend's evil deeds,
    (ii) he disapproves his friend's good deeds,
    (iii) he praises him in his presence,
    (iv) he speaks ill of him in his absence.
    (4) "In four ways, young householder, should one who brings ruin be understood as a foe in the guise of a friend:


    (i) he is a companion in indulging in intoxicants that cause
    infatuation and heedlessness,
    (ii) he is a companion in sauntering in streets at unseemly hours,
    (iii) he is a companion in frequenting theatrical shows,
    (iv) he is a companion in indulging in gambling which causes heedlessness."

    ...

    "These four, young householder, should be understood as warm-hearted friends:


    (1) he who is a helpmate,
    (2) he who is the same in happiness and sorrow,
    (3) he who gives good counsel,
    (4) he who sympathises.
    (1) "In four ways, young householder, should a helpmate be understood as a warm-hearted friend:


    (i) he guards the heedless,
    (ii) he protects the wealth of the heedless,
    (iii) he becomes a refuge when you are in danger,
    (iv) when there are commitments he provides you with double the
    supply needed.
    (2) "In four ways, young householder, should one who is the same in happiness and sorrow be understood as a warm-hearted friend:


    (i) he reveals his secrets,
    (ii) he conceals one's own secrets,
    (iii) in misfortune he does not forsake one,
    (iv) his life even he sacrifices for one's sake.
    (3) "In four ways, young householder, should one who gives good counsel be understood as a warm-hearted friend:


    (i) he restrains one from doing evil,
    (ii) he encourages one to do good,
    (iii) he informs one of what is unknown to oneself,
    (iv) he points out the path to heaven.
    (4) "In four ways, young householder, should one who sympathises be understood as a warm-hearted friend:


    (i) he does not rejoice in one's misfortune,
    (ii) he rejoices in one's prosperity,
    (iii) he restrains others speaking ill of oneself,
    (iv) he praises those who speak well of oneself."
    "Sigalovada Sutta: The Discourse to Sigala" (DN 31), translated from the Pali by Narada Thera. Access to Insight, 8 June 2010, http://www.accesstoinsight.org/tipitaka/dn/dn.31.0.nara.html

    Metta,

    Guy
  • CloudCloud Veteran
    Thank you for those GuyC, very good material!
  • GuyCGuyC Veteran
    You're welcome. :)
  • andyrobynandyrobyn Veteran
    edited March 2011
    Yes thanks GuyC ...

    this sutta also speaks to me about the importance of our interactions with others in friendship/ getting to know others

    http://buddhasutra.com/files/upaddha_sutta.htm
  • DazzleDazzle
    edited March 2011
    "One who, overstepping and despising a sense of shame, says, 'I am your friend,'
    but does not take upon himself any tasks he is capable of doing, is to be recognized as no friend. One who speaks amiably to his companions, but whose actions do not conform to it, him the wise know for certain as a talker not a doer. He is no friend who, anticipating conflict, is always alert in looking out for weaknesses. But he on whom one can rely, like a child sleeping on its mother's breast, is truly a friend who cannot be parted from one by others.

    "One who bears the human burden of responsibility, with it fruits and blessings in mind, he cultivates a cause of joy and happiness worthy of praise. Having tasted the flavor of solitude and peace one is free from fear and wrong-doings imbibing the rapture of Dhamma."

    Snp 2.3 Hiri Sutta : On Friendship


    http://www.accesstoinsight.org/tipitaka/kn/snp/snp.2.03.irel.html
  • andyrobynandyrobyn Veteran
    edited March 2011
    This reminds me of my friend
    http://www.accesstoinsight.org/tipitaka/an/an07/an07.035.than.html
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