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Hello! Wondering an opinion for a new Buddhist!
Hello forum people! This would be my first post! I just wanted to say hello and ask for an opinion on a tricky situation regarding extended family and Buddhism.
I come from a Mormon background and my husband's family are fundamentalist (polygamist) Mormons. I recently have been spending time with my husband's family and have run into problems about feeling open about my new ideas on religion (some not so new..) and I was wondering, have any of you had to come out as a different religion to family members? It can be infuriating to deal with people criticizing my marriage already and I'm wondering if the extra stress is worth it.
Thank you guys!
I come from a Mormon background and my husband's family are fundamentalist (polygamist) Mormons. I recently have been spending time with my husband's family and have run into problems about feeling open about my new ideas on religion (some not so new..) and I was wondering, have any of you had to come out as a different religion to family members? It can be infuriating to deal with people criticizing my marriage already and I'm wondering if the extra stress is worth it.
Thank you guys!
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Comments
Friends, relatives, partners all took to the news in different ways.
You don't have to declare your Buddhism to anyone, if you don't want to, just live your life according to Buddhist premises.
You can follow the Eightfold Path and the 5 precepts as a person within a Christian community without anyone knowing what you're doing!
(see attached document).
Chill, and just focus on being the best person you can be, without kow-towing to an authority you feel might be questionable.
I also know that Mormons are pretty in your face with regards to 'family' members - so again, expect confrontation.
The other thing is - why tell them anything? Why tell anyone of your Buddhist commitment? What is the necessity to say anything at all?
I guess I've been wondering that myself (why tell anyone). I think that it's only been because it has really been a journey to this point where I feel like I'm being true to my opinions. It has made me feel confirmed to read and study this belief system so I guess it's in my nature to want to share how I feel about it. I'd rather announce it than be uncovered as it.
I suggest you "announce" it with following the 8 fold path. There's not many other ways to announce it to people in a culture that is not Buddhist, at least that i'd know of^^ If you say you are a Buddhist it doesn't mean anything anyway (especially to them), and if you do any kind of preaching to people who did not show genuine interest in it first is against the the teaching anyway.
Also, i find this interesting:
If Mormons are any similar to Catholics (i'm only familiar with the later), than i guess they will feel as if they have to save you with what sometimes looks like imposing their beliefs on you... Maybe look at it in the way, that if they feel threatened by your views, they do it because they care and do it wishing to be seen as considerate, not rude or annoying as how it sometimes can come across; maybe tell them you appreciate that they care about your future, and that you wish them well as well^^
Hope someone drops in with more suggestions; i have missed many learning opportunities on this topic simply because the temptation is just so great to make them twist themselves (Christians) into frustration and anger with just asking a few questions that just force the person to come up with answers that can't all be true... Especially since most of them take the topic so seriously.... Yeah i know, i fail at compassion, and thus Buddhism -.-' ^^ Wow especially with Mormons, id probably just run away, otherwise there is just no possibility that i'd be able to sit through an evening with them without asking them how a magnet works >.<
Best luck^^
I know we all love to share our discoveries with those around us, but often it is quite unskillful to do so. I wonder if there is something that is motivating you to share your place with them? Trying to portray your 'personality' or uniqueness to them?
I've found that it is really unnecessary to relate the specifics of our beliefs to others... it is usually better to reach out to others within the context of their view. If you simply accept them for who and where they are, then relating to them is not that difficult. They love, get confused, get hungry, make skillful and unskillful decisions just like everyone else. So, just use your practice to make you better at relating to them.
For instance, rather than trying to tell them about the 4nt, consider using your well rooted understanding of them to remain observant. Then, what to say becomes obvious, like singing along to a chorus of a well known song. Often it might be nonverbal, such as hugging and emotional support, rather than philosophic reprogramming of their views.
Also, I wonder why there is so little of your husband described in any of this. Is he aware of your view? Is he supportive? When we have intimate partnerships, such as a husband or wife, it is important that we can be open with them about where we are and what we see, and ideally share many of our views. Does your view conflict with his own, and do you hide from him? Does his view give him a similar conflict with his fundamentalist parents?
I don't mean to pry, or even anticipate answers to these questions. I do consider them important notions to consider, for wherever you hope to take your journey from here.
With warmth,
Matt
I must confess, I don't know much about the Christian community outside of Mormonism, but yes, imposing beliefs is part of the root of the problem. I have been very patient to the point of being walked on. They recently had a meeting where I was not warned would be on the evils of monogamous marriage. *sigh* I try to not feel offended by such obliquely religious topics. But in many ways, when it is every conversation's route to be about religion to them, it is hard to continue being around them. I guess in some ways I was hoping that if they knew of my sincere change of religion, they might try to be a bit more mindful of my beliefs. But I don't expect much.
Oh! You're not prying at all! I wasn't sure how much I should write about it. My husband grew up as FLDS, but while we were dating, my family tried to force us into the typical LDS marriage. He converted to LDS to make my family happy, which being FLDS is a much longer process than regular people. We ended up having pre marital sex, which in LDS religions, is the sin next to murder. We were forced even deeper into Mormonism, to ill effect. We eventually decided it wasn't for us.(for other reasons. not the "we want to sin" excuse) But my husband doesn't care much for religion at all. He is very supportive of me studying Buddhism though. He often helps me pick out books to read. He bought me my own table and helped me clear a place in our small apartment for my altar. And he often likes to do meditation and mantras with me! So I am very lucky!
With his parents, they have always just assumed that someday one of us would come around. Or that I'd go away >.< They made an off hand comment recently that if it wasn't in this life, then in the next, I'd be forced into polygamy.
The thing I've never understood about the Mormons is, if they think polygamy (= multiple spouses, gender unspecified)is so great, why don't the guys go into polyandrous marriages? What's good for the goose is good for the gander. Oh well. :-/ Welcome aboard!
Getting used to the polygamist thing was a hard thing to do as a staunch (at first) LDS person. As they treat the FLDS with a lot of hate. Our parents haven't even had a conversation together. I've wondered about the polyandrous thing, and believe it or not, on an episode of taboo, there were polyandrous Buddhists in Tibet! :O According to the FLDS/LDS scripture it's patriarchal, thus the only men w/ multiple women. Although some early polygamists had married women who were already married behind the backs of their husbands.
Well this past Christmas holiday, she was trying to get at least one of her kids to go to midnight mass with her. (All of her kids have spurned their Catholic upbringing, and my girlfriend is quite bitter).
She turned to me hopefully but I replied "Come on, you don't want me to go... I don't even believe in god." And she replied "God doesn't care if you don't believe in him. Get up, lets go." So I said, "I'm a Buddhist. I truly don't believe in god." She was getting frustrated with me and asking "Since when?" Finally she left a little hurt.
Later I thought about it. Why did I make such a stink? Were my values really going to be threatened just because I went to mass? She never felt like her beliefs were threatened even though her daughter brought home a gf... So why was I being so stubborn. She really just didn't want to go alone. I realized that I was just being lazy (I was in Pj's), and that I was using my beliefs as an excuse. If I'm truly a Buddhist, I shouldn't feel that anything could really threaten me.
Recently she came by our house and asked why there were so many statues of "that guy" (Buddha). It was like she was finally realizing that I was Buddhist, and it unnerved her. Next time I have a chance to go to church with her I will. We always get along because we are both moral people, and we have a lot in common despite the religious differences. I should exemplify Buddhism by being open and supportive of her beliefs without feeling threatened by them. For some families, those religious get-togethers are really just a way to connect to one and other.
If you exemplify openness to their beliefs and quietly listen without arguing, maybe your husband's family won't view you as a threat. You don't have to assert your values, only if they ask you specifically I guess. Maybe you can help them see what you have in common with them. If they want to convert you, then ask them which beliefs they would like you to have, then have a discussion about them. (If you are going to enter into these kind of discussion I recommend having them one-on-one. The first reason is to prevent from being ganged up on, and the second reason is that most heartfelt discussions can only occur one-on-one).
Christian churches are a great place for a Buddhist to be in, at least occasionally^^
It is great to hear your husband is more of your view, and has some detachment from the LDS/FLDS mindset. Have you considered that their view is really unskillful and perhaps toxic? People that can't even communicate because they cling so directly to their doctrines? Crazy!
If we were the Buddha, we would be unagitated by charging elephants, let alone crazy in-laws telling us that we will be reborn into polygamy. However, that does not mean that our life, in the absence of perfect compassion, needs to remain an endurance trial. Do you think moving away is really a viable option?
In the absence of moving away, consider working to set up some reasonable boundaries. For instance, if an in-law were to say that we would be reborn into polygamy, we could say "I don't enjoy being told things like that, please refrain from that in the future." Once we setup a boundary like that, we won't need to debate the "ultimate truth" of our next incarnation with them, it is enough that we said stop, no, off limits, thanks but no thanks. They will either respect that boundary, or they will know why we get up and leave the conversation. Don't forget your sovereignty!
There is no need to fight, simply walking away from toxic behaviors can be very helpful in our development. Sometimes the lesson of the thorn bush isn't how to endure pain or how to clip barbs, but how to stop pressing our face into it.
With warmth,
Matt
"The truth you believe and cling to makes you unavailable to hear anything new."
I like the thorn bush analogy quite a lot!I have decided this week to try and even talk to ex-LDS people less. I think I have taken what they have to say and learned what I need to learn. But now, I can see the awful amount of toxic hate and displeasure they talk about and at some level it hurts me. I don't think I should be so involved in reading about it. I already know what I believe in.
Sometime in the near future, I probably won't have to myself move away. They're kind of doing it themselves. In a few months they'll be almost 2 hrs away from my current location. But there is always pressure to move closer to them.
Tomorrow there is a "girls" breakfast with all the women from my husband's family plus his father. I think I will brace for hearing things and take extra time tonight to meditate on being patient. I am thinking of taking my mala with me for support, even if it just stays in my bag.
Good luck
Tamm:
What's funny to me is that my father's wife is from Indonesia, where Buddhism is very big along with Muslims and Christians. She herself is Christian. Imagine her surprise when she came to America, married my father, and discovered that I am Buddhist!
While my family is completely ignorant to Buddhism and it's practices, I have the good fortune of having a family who could care less what I believe, as long as I am happy. None of us discuss religion at all, not that we avert from it, we just think of it as a personal choice that's really none of each other's business. I do have an aunt, with whom I am very close, and the one thing we truly differ on is our religious views. We had the conversation ONCE. It was clear that she, a Jehovah's Witness, is convinced I'm worshipping some false god called Buddha, (despite my attempts to correct that false notion), and disapproves. But even she has respected my beliefs, but we handle it by NOT discussing it. Agree to disagree.
One thing stood out in your post however, Tamm, which was the comment that you are wondering if the "extra stress is worth it". That seems odd to me, with all due respect. Worth what? Your beliefs? The way you worded it kind of sounded like Buddhism is a hobby. Maybe this is only my opinion, but I don't look at Buddhism as a choice per say, I see it as a personal truth, for me. So no matter what flack I caught from family, friends, strangers, nothing could convince me to "not bother". Do you know what I mean? Don't get me wrong, I don't mean to imply that you can't research Buddhism, that you must be "a believer" in it, that's contrary to the Buddhist way. We encourage investigating, finding out for yourself. But IF it is something you hold near and dear to your heart, I can't imagine letting pressure from anyone change that.
I'm not real thrilled with the idea of keeping it a secret. Neither would I suggest boasting or bragging about it either, that is not the Buddhist way. I am surrounded by friends and family and neighbors that are not even familiar with Buddhism. I don't offer info about my beliefs, but if the topic comes up? If someone asks? I absolutely tell them. They can then respect it, not respect it, ask me questions, pretend they didn't hear it, think I'm weird or whatever. That's their choice. I think it was Ghandi who said "Nobody can hurt me without my permission". If others want to judge me based on a practice they know nothing about, that's their shortcoming, not mine.
All that having been said, if my family were to come down on me for my beliefs, pressure me to conform to theirs, or chastise me about it in any way, I would probably not bother with them, family or not, because I try to surround myself with people who respect me.
Sorry for the mouthful, but I hate to see someone pressured to conform to the beliefs of their surroundings. Is that easier? Probably. Is it right? Not in my opinion!
Best wishes to you.
laurajean, I really didn't mean "extra stress" in that way at all. Sometime it's hard to explain through the internet! I meant "extra stress" of more pressure added to the load of what I already deal with emotionally if other people knew about my Buddhist practices. Or basically, I don't know if I should tell people because that part would be stressful. It really has been more than a "hobby" for me. Sorry if my wording may have come off as a bit novice like. Practicing Buddhism is worth a lot to me, but keeping it secretive seems dishonest. I think I have a lot to learn about having more of a thick skin about what other people think about my practice. And I think that the more I am wondering about why I feel this way, I am reminded that I grew up being in a religion where it was common practice to shove your religion down everyone's throat, willing or not! So at times it is hard for me to reign in the want to metaphorically wear it on my name tag.
touched by/subjected to/exposed to/influenced by Christian doctrine.
They could have been born into anything from a complete family of atheists, right up to a family consisting of fanatical, extremist fundamental hard-line Christians.
My point s that the main religious influence in the west is Christianity.
And I did say "virtually everyone here (to my knowledge", not "I am absolutely sure that everyone without exception"....