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Sobriety
Talisman
Veteran
My brother got drunk on saturday. Around about 11:30p, I was sitting by myself trying to get away from the ruckus of our living room. He was going on with one of his friends about how he can't wait for the "weed-man" to come because he hasn't smoked all day, but that he hates it how if he's been drinking that smoking makes him sober. I heard this and remarked, "that's literally the opposite of sober." I probably shouldn't have said anything because he then went on for about 30 minutes about how that's not true, how smoking weed makes him feel sober and normal. I told him that he doesnt remember what it's like to be sober and he ignored me. There was no hostility or anything in the engagment, just my drunk brother being drunk.
If you were confronted with this kind of blatant delusion, how would you approach the issue to help my brother see the error of his ways?
If you were confronted with this kind of blatant delusion, how would you approach the issue to help my brother see the error of his ways?
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a) bear in mind that drunks can get mean or even violent. Back away slowly. Stay out of the line of fire. Leave him to his delusions. Don't get "hooked", even if he deliberately provokes you. It's not your job to enlighten him, even if that were possible, which it sounds like it probably isn't.
b) Get your own apartment.
His mind might not be more sober, in the sense that it is less chemically diluted, but he sounds like he is saying that he feels his perceptions become sharper. Maybe they do, you're not in his head to see.
I would consider saying something like "oh? that's an interesting observation of what you see" and leave the rest of my opinions out of it. Why do you feel compelled to judge his ways as an error? Why do you become amazed when you are unable to convince him that you know his mind better than he does?
That is basically how I responded, trying to prevent any kind of conflict or turmoil while still being friendly and forthcoming. However, whether or not he thinks it makes his head "clearer," it still leads to confusion, anger, heedlessness, and suffering.
It has been very difficult for me to confront my own addictions and self-destructive behavior and I don't think it is wrong for me, out of compassion for my twin brother who I love very much, to direct him in the "error of his ways." I'm not a judgemental person, in fact I avoid conflict often times to my detriment. I'm basing my analysis of the situation off of observation and experience.
If I can't share with the one's I love how Buddhism has helped me, particularly those who are going through many of the same things I did, then who can I share it with? At what point is the line drawn between passivity and apathy? Where does engaged Buddhism begin if not in the relations I have with my family and friends?
re: the "If I can't share Buddhism with my loved ones, who can I share it with" question--look around older threads. Lots of people are the odd man/woman out in their family, for being Buddhists. Some have to walk away and create family from among their friends. You can share Buddhism with us, with friends who are receptive, with a sangha if there is one in your area. If all else fails, you can be like the lone elephant, or the rhinoceros, as the Buddha indicated. It's really not so bad. I've been a Buddhist all my life and haven't really seen the need to share it with anyone. It's a private, personal thing.
For instance, do you really consider that pointing out some kind of truth to a drunk mind is proper timing and application? Even if the essential nature of your observation is correct, perhaps relating it then was unskillful? You could have related a little to the restlessness he had. Perhaps, "Hey, if you take a couple deep breaths maybe you won't feel so impatient for the weed man," because you had been observing his restlessness, not confusion. Isn't overcoming delusion and intoxication your thing, not his?
Buddhism doesn't seem to me to be about spreading Buddhism, or even leaning on others to help them see their errors. In my view, its about skillfully relating to what is around us. If you noticed the response in your brother, it was 30 minutes of him defending his view. This not only reaffirms the view, but it indicates greater distance arising.
I think this is closer to realizing what the elephant in the wilds metaphor is pointing toward. Take refuge in yourself, and wait to answer questions with heart and honesty. Don't try to change others, simply be alert, and when the time for them to grow arrives, you'll have answers to the questions they ask. Simply being peaceful and alert will naturally call to the part of them that also wants to be peaceful and alert.
With warmth,
Matt
put everything into three baskets of 'impermanent, suffering, non-self' and see what will be the answer
Yes, you may get the impression that it brings you round BUT it's also true that while under the influence it becomes harder to gauge just how totally off your face you are.
So he's trying to relate this idea to you but you don't understand and misinterpreted it. Save the advice, and listen more.
I HAVE had experience. I was addicted to cocaine, alcohol, marajuana, psychedelics for years. I do not, IN ANY WAY, confront my brother with how he SHOULD be, much to the chagrin of my girlfriend who thinks I should "speak up." I made a joke regarding his "weed makes me sober" statement. He approached me and went on and on about how he is only normal when he is high, etc. I made the OP to address this sort of situation, not to find out how to "force" my brother to change.
If he just wants to party theres not much you can do imo.
ALl the best to your bro