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Emotions
amandathetexan
Explorer
So, my husband and I were having a debate, and I'm curious what other people believe on the issue.
Do you think we can choose whether or not to feel an emotion, or that we can only choose how we respond to it?
Example - looking at a photo of a dead friend, you can either a) choose to feel sad or choose to deny the emotion of sadness, or b) feel, without any conscious choice, sadness, but can choose how you react to that emotion (such as cry, reminisce, etc).
Do you think we can choose whether or not to feel an emotion, or that we can only choose how we respond to it?
Example - looking at a photo of a dead friend, you can either a) choose to feel sad or choose to deny the emotion of sadness, or b) feel, without any conscious choice, sadness, but can choose how you react to that emotion (such as cry, reminisce, etc).
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Comments
I have a note from a dear friend who died last year, and when I see it, emotions come up. Not always the same ones. Most people have some situation where they will see/hear/smell/whatever something and it will illicit an emotion. Look at a beautiful painting, hear a certain song, whatever brings up some emotion in you. Is that emotion a choice?
My husband believes that he can look at the note and have the option: "Feel sad, accept or deny" and if he chooses deny, he won't feel it and won't have felt it. This makes absolutely no sense to me and my belief that you can't choose whether or not to feel an emotion (that it's kind of psychotic to be able to turn it on or off, accept or deny), and so I want to know what others think.
You couldn't deny the existence of aliens if you'd never heard about aliens before
The option to deny it can only become available after you've already been made aware of it which, in the case of emotions, means feeling it first.
Both of us see it as a one or the other, so I'm interested to see if there is some grey area that can be found.
You can't choose to not feel sad, but you can choose to rise above the sadness, not associating with it. Continue on in your life acknowledging there's a feeling of sadness, but not taking it to the "I am" sad extreme. It's not what you are, it's just a feeling that you'll either attach to or not. This can be difficult to do, which is why there's this Noble Eightfold Path and meditation that Buddhists use to see things more clearly and establish "mindfulness" of their mental states (which means better control of mental reactions also).
Ultimately, I think we get lumped with emotions, and we either have helpful coping mechanisms or unhelpful ones. The helpful ones help release the emotion and the unhelpful ones try to redirect it or repress it.
So choosing a reaction? I'm not sure, our reactions tend to be conditioned until we learn new, more effective coping mechanisms, which does involve a choice - use the new coping mechanism or the old one.
But the emotion itself? I reckon that comes first, how you deal with it is another ball game entirely
It has been like that with some tough emotions.
When you feel safe to do so, and have the evening, take out your friend's note, and make some tea. Bring two tea-cups, one for you, and one for "whoever" else shows up. Sit with the emotions and just describe them to yourself: "tightness in chest, pounding temple...breathing...crying" whatever comes up, you will be OK. We were designed to handle this and more. You cared deeply for your friend and that is gift to your life. This is also a gift, because when you can sit with these emotions, and learn to be with them, you will grow, and you will realize how much your friend means to you, how much was added to your life.
To me, they sound like the same proposition - 'feel' is to 'respond'?
The only "choice" we have is whether to hold on to them or not.
For me it's more like this:
Stimulus occurs
FREAK OUT - OH NO WHAT IS THIS?!?! Oh... it's sadness.
Hey sadness. Accept and identify, or accept and do not identify?
I have to accept the sadness either way. It's already here. I do not know about this place your husband talks about where he can catch it before it's truly "arrived."
I can either identify with the sadness (which usually results in depression, anger, or feeling like I have to DO something to FIX it) or do not identify with the sadness. When I don't identify with the sadness, it's still there, I still feel it, and I offer it love and attention for a brief period. I try to watch it to see how it changes over a few minutes.