Anyone chosen to remain child-free? and how is it working out?

gracelee · October 2012

Hello everyone

I am 28 and my biological clock is ticking....... tick.... tock!
I have however got quite bad anxiety, recovering from addiction and although I am in a relationship it is very challenging(i have commitment issues)
I really want to have children and I always planned too but recently I have been thinking about remaining child-free, as I am not sure I could give a child what it needs.

Has anyone made the decision to be childfree?? do you regret it?

vinlyn · October 2012

As an older gay person, having a child was something that was always out of reach. But because of being a teacher and then a principal, I always had plenty of interaction with kids. At that point I never regretted my decisions.

Them, about 10 years ago I was sort of "adopted" by a young Pakistani man and wife (the young man worked for me), and I literally adopted him. For a couple of years we lived as a family, and they really doted on me. For example, one day a week was always "Pa's day). Whatever I wanted to do on that day, they would do. But every day was a wonderful family experience. And then I really learned what I had missed all those years.

Of course, that also depends on what kind of family you are raised in. My childhood was idyllic, but my teen years were a nightmare.

DaltheJigsaw · October 2012

For now, but I am not sure what will happen later. My main concern is financial. Will see where I'm at in a few years.

RebeccaS · October 2012

Hell no I don't want kids.

All that money that would go on tuition and diapers? I'm getting a boat.

karasti · October 2012

Not myself, but I have several friends who have decided not to have children and are perfectly happy with their decision. They are all around 30-35, whether they will regret it in the future I don't know, but I would be surprised if they did. It was an active, conscious choice they made, not because they ran out of time, but something they decided many years ago. One of my best friends is one of those ladies, she decided when she was 22 that she didn't want kids but had to wait until 30 for her doctor to be willing to tie her tubes. She lives with her boyfriend and their cats, and they are quite happy with their life and their decision.

it's one of those things where, if you think you want kids but are waiting for the perfect time, be cautious. There is NO perfect time to have children for most people, and waiting too long for every thing on your list to clear up may end in regrets in giving up something you wanted waiting for the perfect moment. It's obviously good to put thought into! And I fully support anyone who does, or does not, want to have children regardless of their reason for not wanting them.

Also, having committment issues in a relationship doesn't mean you will have a problem committing ot children. The differences are quite vast. But it does require a lot of sacrifice and commitment, not just for 6 years until they start school or 18 when they (maybe) start college, but *forever*.

zombiegirl · October 2012

All my life, my family members have been saying, "Oh, someday you'll feel differently..." but the truth is... kids just never were my forte, lol. I don't really know how to interact with them, I frequently wish they weren't around when they are... I almost became an art teacher, mind you, and this issue is the reason I freaked out and dropped out at the last minute. I just... am not really a kid person. That's not to say that I haven't met a few exceptions, and of course, if I had a kid... they'd be the most awesome out of any of them... these things I know.

I'm close to your age, 27 now... and I just keep wondering, when is this going to hit me? Now, granted, I'm a lesbian so having kids is a little more complicated for me... but still. My girlfriend of 5 years and I have always had this idea that we would adopt... but it's always been this far off idea... "Someday we will adopt..." because when I really think about it, I'm not ready now, and I don't know that I ever will be. My girlfriend feels the same way. We've been having conversations lately about whether or not we really care.

But... how should I know? I'm not "young" but I'm certainly not "old" yet either... I'm just taking it as it comes... maybe someday my family's prophecy really will come true and I'll find myself longing for it? But one thing I do know is that there's no point stressing about it before I'm ready. If I'm ready for it, I will feel it, but I've got to be resolute in my decision and I'm certainly no where near that. I realize there's no "perfect" time for kids, but I also think that once my girlfriend graduates (next year) and gets a big kid career (lol), and we probably will have to relocate away from all of our party friends... and she'll (hopefully) be making a very nice income... and things settle down for us and we're forced to grow up a little... our feelings on the topic might change.

Also... I actually felt a lot stronger about the topic before my sister had my niece... God that kid is so spoiled! It's really trying on me to be around her... I wish I didn't have to say that... She's brilliant, but I sometimes want to shake my sister and yell at her about enforcing some discipline.

OneLifeForm · October 2012

I'm always back and forth with it in my mind.

I am 21 years old so that is definitely a cause for indecision

What it really boils down to is whether or not I meet a female I feel I could actually settle down with in such a way.

Should such conditions arise then yes, I will likely be having kids.

If not, then most likely not.

Dobs · October 2012

While still in my twenties I made the decision to not father any children. The decision was based on the condition of a world that I saw as already too overpopulated Now nearly 40 years later I still feel it was the right thing to do. I do not regret it a bit. If anyone wants children my advice would be to adopt. Adoption will give a home to a child that needs one and will not increase the demands on an already overburdened world.
Metta.

pyramidsong · October 2012

I'm 34, female and childfree. I'm happy with my decision.

fivebells · October 2012

Yes, my wife and I are child-free. We are both about 40. She wants to devote more energy to other things, and I think there are too many people already and the world's going to hell largely for that reason, so why bring one more locus of suffering into the coming catastrophes? But those are our reasons, you will have to find your own. In any case, I think it's admirably responsible of you to first carefully consider your capacity to provide a favorable environment for a child's growth. I wish more people would do that.

vinlyn · October 2012

I'm not trying to push anyone at all. There are people who shouldn't have children simply due to values and personality. Any many will remain happy with a decision not to have children. But for those, like me, who do regret it, I doubt they will realize the regret until somewhere in their 50s or even 60s.

Dakini · October 2012

It works out for people who don't have a very strong biological clock pushing them to have kids. For some, the hormonal urge is too strong. It either pushes them to have kids at some point, or they end up regretting the decision not to, even if that was the right decision. However, I think you're very wise to consider not having kids under your circumstances. You do have an option though; you can seek therapy, and after resolving your issues, the picture may shift, and kids and a strong relationship could become do-able. You still have plenty of time.

Several of us in my extended family haven't had kids, simply because we weren't interested. It takes a lot of time and energy, mental as well as physical, and many people really aren't up to that, whether they realize it or not. It's sad when people don't realize it, and have kids anyway. As you've understood, that tends to not work out for the kids.

Take care of yourself first. You're making progress, @gracelee, give yourself credit for that. A pat on the back from us.

federica · October 2012

I'm 55 mother of two, and I would certainly think twice, had I my time over again....

pyramidsong · October 2012

Dakini, that's the category I'm in- no biological clock, no interest. The whole deal just seems like a major headache with few returns.

Dakini · October 2012

pyramidsong said:
Dakini, that's the category I'm in- no biological clock, no interest. The whole deal just seems like a major headache with few returns.

Totally agree. Can't relate to the whole thing. There's so much more to life, y'know?

But hey, that's just us. I do think it's a huge step forward that couples now have choices, and societal expectations aren't as rigid as they once were.

pyramidsong · October 2012

Agreed.

StaticToybox · October 2012

I have never been able in envision my life with children in it. I think I realized quite early on that kids simply weren't in the cards for me. I made it official by getting a vasectomy when I was 30. I've never wanted the responsibility (it's damn near all I can do to take care of myself), never had the patience to deal with children, and I never wanted to pass my defect on to anyone. And as I get older (35 now) the more sure I am of my decision, not just for my personal reasons, but at this point, more aware of the world I live in, I wouldn't feel right bringing another person into a world with such a bleak future. I feel almost certain that they would inherit a highly destabilized world full of turmoil and violence over dwindling resources. I think humankind has pretty much fucked ourselves over and I care too much about any children I might have had to burden them with that.

Jeffrey · October 2012

Pretty much similar thoughts to Static Toybox.

Kundo · October 2012

Namaste,

I have friends who have chosen to be childfree - one still feels it's the right thing to do. Two others have regrets, one quite deeply. I agree with adoption as mentioned above. There are plenty of children who would love than nothing more than a loving home.

I'm the mother of an 11 year old daughter, and while the conditions of my life after her birth were less than ideal (her father, my ex husband, walked out on us on our 3rd wedding anniversary when she was 11 weeks old), I have never regretted having her in my life. Granted I realise that I am fortunate to feel this way. I won't bullshit you - being a mother is a hard and often thankless job. But not one without rewards. But parenthood is _NOT_ for everyone either.

At the end of the day, only _YOU_ can make the decision for you. The only thing I would like to point out to those who have mentioned it - we were ALL children so saying they're a headache and the like, need to remember that our own parents most likely thought the same of us (and probably still do sometimes

).

Don't beat yourself up over it @gracelee. I believe that as long as you make the decision with the good of all sentient beings in mind, you're doing a lot better than a lot of people in this world - parents or not

In metta,
Raven

zombiegirl · October 2012

Dakini said:

pyramidsong said:
Dakini, that's the category I'm in- no biological clock, no interest. The whole deal just seems like a major headache with few returns.
Totally agree. Can't relate to the whole thing. There's so much more to life, y'know? But hey, that's just us. I do think it's a huge step forward that couples now have choices, and societal expectations aren't as rigid as they once were.

These comments are actually the most relieving to me. I always just feel like I should want them, you know?

I wonder if these thoughts would be quite as prevalent if this wasn't a Buddhist board... Somehow I feel like Christianity pushes more towards the "norm", to name one... When I think about my family, there is not one couple among them who does not have at least one kid.

Sabre · October 2012

Part of what Buddhism taught me is to never regret things in life. I also don't want children, it wouldn't work. But if I were to ever think differently later, I wouldn't regret it even if it was too late.

pyramidsong · October 2012

"The only thing I would like to point out to those who have mentioned it - we were ALL children so saying they're a headache and the like, need to remember that our own parents most likely thought the same of us (and probably still do sometimes )."

Yeah, I get that. And for me if I found the idea of having kids at all appealing, the "headache" stuff wouldn't matter. I'd take on the hassle because of the rewards. But the fact is, I don't see any rewards. I certainly think it's a valid choice for others, but for me there's no dilemma as I just don't see the appeal at all.

jll · October 2012

it is great. the benefits are:
financial independence, no saving up for college fund,etc.
freedom, to go anywhere, no need for baby sitters.
time, much more free time to do whatever i want.
peace of mind, no worry about kids.
my house is clean n tidy.
no guilt trip, about what a lousy parent i am.
no arguments with hormone-driven teenagers.
these are just a few, the list goes on.

gracelee said:
Hello everyone

I am 28 and my biological clock is ticking....... tick.... tock!
I have however got quite bad anxiety, recovering from addiction and although I am in a relationship it is very challenging(i have commitment issues)
I really want to have children and I always planned too but recently I have been thinking about remaining child-free, as I am not sure I could give a child what it needs.

Has anyone made the decision to be childfree?? do you regret it?

how · October 2012

I always thought I would be child free. It was strong enough to be a certainty. Most of the worlds difficulties can be traced back to population pressures. I was a vegetarian for the same reason as it seemed to be a way of creating less harm for the world.

Then came the " Does blue mean pregnant?" question from my partner holding up one of those testers..
Just another certainty to wake up from.

Bunks · October 2012

OneLifeForm said:
I'm always back and forth with it in my mind.

I am 21 years old so that is definitely a cause for indecision

What it really boils down to is whether or not I meet a female I feel I could actually settle down with in such a way.

Should such conditions arise then yes, I will likely be having kids.

If not, then most likely not.

I was exactly the same @OneLifeForm.

About ten years ago I was lucky enough to meet the girl I wanted to have kids with.

We now have a two year old daughter and another on the way.

I wouldn't change it for the world although I can totally understand why people wouldn't want to do it for all the reasons listed above.

Lee82 · October 2012

I couldn't imagine my life without my kids or having them around me as I get older. I'm 30 and have a 9 year old daughter and 7 year old son.

I would say don't let being childless just happen to you and then it be too late. Be around people with kids and see if you would like that lifestyle or not then make a conscious decision one way or the other.

Kundo · October 2012

pyramidsong said:
. But the fact is, I don't see any rewards. I certainly think it's a valid choice for others, but for me there's no dilemma as I just don't see the appeal at all.

And that's a perfectly valid reason too

In metta,
Raven

DaftChris · October 2012

As I'm only 21, I don't have any children. School is far more important.

I think I'll remain child free in the long run. There are so many things I want to experience in life, that I think having a child will prevent me from doing so.

lobster · October 2012

I am too childish to have such responsibility. I love kids but me and dharma I love more. I have adopted Tara and Cundi and they are real enough for me . . .

karasti · October 2012

@DaftChris, no reason is a wrong reason to not have a child (not that I can think of off the top of my head anyhow) but at the same time, there are adventures and experiences you can't have in life, unless you have children, either

Not trying to convince, like I said I am absolutely fine with whatever decision anyone makes, and I commend anyone who realizes they don't want children and sticks to it. Far worse to find out you don't want them until you already have them. For me though, I actually learn far more from my children than I ever thought possible, and things (including patience, lol) I wouldn't have learned if I didn't have them. Having children doesn't mean the end of life, or the end of enjoyable life. But there are definitely things having children makes much more challenging, but much of that depends on your values and your partner. Having kids doesn't mean buying a suburban house and putting those happy family stickers on your car, unless that is what you want.

music · October 2012

I've heard of acne-free but child-free?

Trillion · October 2012

Yep, I'm a 38yo female and childless. I like children, it's very rewarding being around them, but it's also nice to be able to give them back.

I used to work in a school and it was very sad being privy to how some kids were parented (or not parented.) Seeing how many parents appear not to want their children makes me certain that i have made the right choice.

ThailandTom · October 2012

I have said it for a few years now that I shall never have children, my partner who is 19 years older than me and has two of her own children says I will change my mind when I get older. I know deep down that that will not happen. I do not want that responsibility, there are too many people in this world already, too many messed up people with messed up lives. I want to be able to to A, B and C when I want, how I want and with who I want without any worry about children. I am not saying that I am being selfish and want to go around partying or something, I just do not want what can be the biggest form of attachment to a person.

karasti · October 2012

I think a lot of the attachment comes from people wanting to control children, treating them as minions or smaller versions of themselves. It's horrible to watch. It's hard to do, but it's possible not to have that unhealthy attachment. I love my children, absolutely and without a question, but I also know I am here to guide them, to talk to them and take their cues about the path they are on and the person they are and to help them figure out how to follow their path, no matter how vastly different from mine it might be. It's really hard to do living within some of the constraints of some laws (such as compulsory education). I agree with the population thing as well, but I am also a bit afraid of an "Idiocracy" situation happening, too. Where the smart people see the problems in the world and decide not to have children (or spend so long waiting for the perfect time, and find time has run short) and the world is then left with more and more bad parents and the resulting children. So, sometimes I feel a bit guilty in a sense contributing to the population problem by having 3 children, but I also work really hard to guide them and help them learn who they are so that they can make good contributions to the world and humanity.

ThailandTom · October 2012

karasti said:
I think a lot of the attachment comes from people wanting to control children, treating them as minions or smaller versions of themselves. It's horrible to watch. It's hard to do, but it's possible not to have that unhealthy attachment. I love my children, absolutely and without a question, but I also know I am here to guide them, to talk to them and take their cues about the path they are on and the person they are and to help them figure out how to follow their path, no matter how vastly different from mine it might be. It's really hard to do living within some of the constraints of some laws (such as compulsory education). I agree with the population thing as well, but I am also a bit afraid of an "Idiocracy" situation happening, too. Where the smart people see the problems in the world and decide not to have children (or spend so long waiting for the perfect time, and find time has run short) and the world is then left with more and more bad parents and the resulting children. So, sometimes I feel a bit guilty in a sense contributing to the population problem by having 3 children, but I also work really hard to guide them and help them learn who they are so that they can make good contributions to the world and humanity.

I am glad you can see this HUGE responsibility and HUGE posibility of attachment with clarity. I respect that, however I just do not want to have children, that is just how it is for me and many others. People do see their children as an extension of their own ego and 'self'. I hope you and your familiy the best Karasti.

karasti · October 2012

Just for the record, as I said above, I'm just discussing from my point of view because I find it a very interesting subject. I'm in NO way trying to convince anyone that they should reconsider having children, regardless of their reason. As people are stating their reasoning for not having children, which I completely respect, I'm stating my reasoning for having them, since the OP is still on the fence, somewhat. It's easy to get stuck in what you think you believe without considering the other side of your argument for or against any one topic.

ThailandTom · October 2012

karasti said:
Just for the record, as I said above, I'm just discussing from my point of view because I find it a very interesting subject. I'm in NO way trying to convince anyone that they should reconsider having children, regardless of their reason. As people are stating their reasoning for not having children, which I completely respect, I'm stating my reasoning for having them, since the OP is still on the fence, somewhat. It's easy to get stuck in what you think you believe without considering the other side of your argument for or against any one topic.

As I am not trying to convince anybody, I have my decision and you have made yours long ago, the option to the OP is open as it always has been and I hope this thread has helped to direct a path of sorts.

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