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Friendships

Pollyanna83Pollyanna83 Explorer
edited December 2012 in Buddhism Basics
Im really struggling with friendships at the moment. I have few friends in my life and am more or less always alone. I have a hard time not putting my self worth up against this. I don't openly complain or mope about it. i am very upbeat and open to love and new relationships but cant seem to meet people with common ground. Is this maybe a season for solitude in my life? Is there something about me Im not seeing that is turning people off? How do I turn this time of solitude into a positive one, I'm certain there is a reason.

Comments

  • JeffreyJeffrey Veteran
    I'm in the same boat. I have a mental illness and meds that affect me to the point that it is hard to 'get out there'.

    I think dwelling on or feeling bad about yourself is not good. You can be happy with what you do have.

    I think if you are able to get out there and make an effort, then eventually you'll find some people.
    Zero
  • vinlynvinlyn Colorado...for now Veteran
    Try to keep in mind that even those who seem to have dozens of "friends", typically only have a handful of true friends.
    ZeromfranzdorfTosh
  • BeejBeej Human Being Veteran
    hey me too. i am not unhappy about it, though. i really was beating myself up for a while about it, but i really made many changes in my life, and my old chums didnt make changes. we naturally grew apart. i figure that when the situation presents itself with like minded people, new frienddhips will be forged. until then, i have a couple of people that i am still close with and an amazingly sweet dog. thats good enough for me. :)
  • footiamfootiam Veteran
    Pollyanna83 said:

    Im really struggling with friendships at the moment. I have few friends in my life and am more or less always alone. I have a hard time not putting my self worth up against this. I don't openly complain or mope about it. i am very upbeat and open to love and new relationships but cant seem to meet people with common ground. Is this maybe a season for solitude in my life? Is there something about me Im not seeing that is turning people off? How do I turn this time of solitude into a positive one, I'm certain there is a reason.

    When we have too much of friends, we would start looking for space. Just rejoice at the space you have. Just do things you like, watch videos, read and that's not necessary just on Dhamma books. We are most of the time on our own and that certainly not the time for speculating.
  • DakiniDakini Veteran
    edited December 2012
    The important thing is the quality of your friendships, not the quantity. Most people only have 1 or 2 close friends that they can share everything with. Other friendships are more based on 1 or 2 shared interests. You can try joining some meetup groups, weekend sports clubs, like hiking, the local film society, getting involved in political or enviro action orgs, volunteering or taking evening classes.
    vinlynlobsterRebeccaS
  • lobsterlobster Veteran
    You could join farcebook, soon you will have dozens of 'friends'. It depends how much interaction you need and as has been pointed out the quality is paramount. I have to be very careful about smiling at people, they seem to find it is an invitation to interaction . . .
    I love solitude.
    I would try more things that others are trying . . . and smile . . .
    To make use of solitude . . . good time to practice . . . might put a smile on your real face (N.B. manic grin is not the same) :wave:
  • driedleafdriedleaf Veteran
    I think loneliness is more common than people think. Just imagine how you would react if a random person came up to you asked "Could I be your friend?" It's just not that easy. We should be happy with who we are and what we have. A few friends is more than anyone needs really.
  • maartenmaarten Veteran
    I know the feeling and I am sure it is something many people struggle with. I have experienced that the group dynamics can be hugely different between different groups of people. So maybe you have tried to integrate in a few groups, and it never worked, and you come to the conclusion that there must be something wrong between you and most other people. However, I would keep trying, and don't conclude to easily it is your "fault". If you treat people in the way that you would like to be treated then I think you will be okay. There are some groups which have a special energy that makes people feel welcome and that bring out something special in everyone. I have certainly felt much more at ease in some groups than in other groups that on the surface looked quite similar. For example, it could be that all people in a group are friendly, but still things do not really flow, and you don't feel you get something out of the group that is what you need. Then it is better to start looking further in my opinion. Once you find a group that fits, it is quite possible that you will meet real friends there.
  • Wisdom23Wisdom23 Veteran
    i would simply recommend do nout. Embrace all that is well in your life at the momment instead of pointing out what is wrong. I have fallen in to this trap but once you do its hard to get out. Things are only wrong coz you allow yourslf to see t this way. Life is subject to change wilst you may not have a huge friend circle now you may do tomorrow but then you may have ill health i know im babling but do you see where i am coming from all the best and i wish you well.
  • karastikarasti Breathing Minnesota Moderator
    driedleaf said:

    I think loneliness is more common than people think. Just imagine how you would react if a random person came up to you asked "Could I be your friend?" It's just not that easy. We should be happy with who we are and what we have. A few friends is more than anyone needs really.

    Why not? Kids do it all the time and it works for them, lol. My kids make friends everywhere we go, the movies, the swimming pool, the beach, hotels, parks. It's unfortunate we lose that ability as we get older. We worry too much that we'll say the wrong thing etc and so are afraid. It's interesting to observe at the park, the kids all make friends immediately and play together and the parents stand in their separate corners afraid to talk to other parents while all the time encouraging their kids to do it, lol.

    Too many friends is tiring for me. I have a large family and so does my husband, and between them and my couple of really close friends that is all I want or need in my life. I don't have time to nuture friendships. My best friend is a guy who was born 6 weeks after me, our parents were friends, and we have been BFFs for our entire lives. We catch up when we can, but I only see him a few times a year (he lives about 300 miles away). A lot of friendships seem to be a bit shallow to me, all they do is complain about their other friends and their spouses from what I can tell. I don't want friends I can't depend on, who are too busy when I need them etc. I see a lot of that in so-called friendships and it's just not for me.

    maarten
  • howhow Veteran Veteran
    edited December 2012
    Hey Pollyana83
    I think everyone has some experience of your question.

    Our innate fear of being separate from existence commonly manifests as our fear of friendlessness.

    Friendships in the world assuage this fear but of course are subject to change, judgement and suffering.

    Nothing prevents you from manifesting your care and love for others but it sounds like you are saying that what disturbs you is a lack of reciprocity?

    The 4 Noble Truths have been the most help to me with this..
  • Inc88Inc88 Explorer
    i prefer solitude personally, being a recluse, but every time i go out i see it as an opportunity to meet someone new whether i actively try of not. A quality friend is hard to come by now-a-days imo and i say if you found a time in your life you have a lot of alone time use it to improve a skill of yours, practice meditation (if you do), or just use this time for some form of self/home improvement. Basically do something productive but make sure you save time to go out to a social surrounding so you give yourself the chance to meet like minded individuals.
  • karastikarasti Breathing Minnesota Moderator
    Do you attend group meditations or anything of the sort @Pollyanna83? I found a lot of fast friends in my Sangha brothers and sisters, and actually with most of them I would feel comfortable in depending on them if I needed something. If I was sick, I know they would be there, they would visit me, they would include me in their meditations. It is easier to make friends when you have like ideas to discuss. I did not include them in my initial post because I don't think of them as friends the same way I think of my friend Rob who I've known my whole life. But they really are friends, when I think about them.
  • DakiniDakini Veteran
    karasti said:

    Do you attend group meditations or anything of the sort @Pollyanna83? I found a lot of fast friends in my Sangha brothers and sisters, and actually with most of them I would feel comfortable in depending on them if I needed something. If I was sick, I know they would be there, they would visit me, they would include me in their meditations. It is easier to make friends when you have like ideas to discuss.

    Wow, that's amazing! You're really fortunate, @karasti! I didn't have this kind of luck when I was attending sanghas, but the obvious place to look for friends is at church/temple, as you say.

    Solitude is a gift, but there can be too much of a good thing. If we get too comfortable with solitude, we can end up cutting ourselves off from others, which isn't for the best, long-term, I think. Life is about striking a balance in all respects, finding the Middle Way.

  • Pollyanna83Pollyanna83 Explorer
    Thanks everyone! I feel that quality is better than quantity! I do go to a weekly meditation group and have met some wonderful people. I'm going to loosen up on the topic and see what happens.
    lobsterDakiniTosh
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