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I have a problem
banned_crab
Veteran
The problem is that instead of enjoying this relaxation of meditation all it turns into for me is a resistance to the compulsions. My few hours spent meditating just felt like no more than resistance. My entire last few months consisted of a fight between myself and the delayed reflection of myself, this follows me into meditation. I believe my subconscious is the delayed reflection of my self, the thoughts I entertain become habits and the habits engrave themselves onto the will of my subconscious. Therefore by feeding my habits I also feed my enemy. Are we all fighting? Does the fighting ever stop? it just seems like im stuck between 2 halves of myself and every moment I dont spend fighting the darker self is a moment spent supplying that darker self. If I stop fighting I slowly become consumed by the darkness ,thus I lose all mindfulness.This self controls my life because it controls my emotions.The control wants me to believe that it can lead to salvation. The salvation is an illusion and the path transforms into disappointment. Knowing not to trust the control is not enough, I have to resist it. But constantly resisting and fighting requires constant effort. In theory a sufficient amount of effort and energy would be the key to defeating it. I thought I figured it out than I questioned if even an infinite amount of energy would be adequate to my desire.You see at first I thought I was fighting a defeatable enemy, than it turned into what I judged as an invincible enemy ,until I finally realized that I was only fighting a ghost. A ghost that I create,a ghost that I constantly create, a ghost that we all create.
Id like to know how some of you may have countered these formless yet endless encounters .
Id like to know how some of you may have countered these formless yet endless encounters .
0
Comments
the wrathful will mirror and block your every move
you must fight on, blow by blow,
fighting, grasping, resisting
keep fighting...blow by blow....
there is nothing left...exhaustion
nothing left but self sacrifice...hari kari
so that the wrathful can not strike the final blow
you steal victory as you fall through the darkness...
falling, falling, falling...into the light
[LINK]
Observe the clouds. Don't push them away, don't chase after them.
One of the best videos on meditation (shikantaza).
The spoken part of the video itself lasts only 6 minutes. I highly recommend it.
You cannot stop a thought with a thought. Mindfulness means observation, awareness, NOT controlling.
When a baby cries, even after you have taken care to feed him, you cannot stop the baby from crying by jostling it around, shouting "stop crying!" What does a baby do if you shake it, trying to force it to stop crying? ...But if you sit patiently and quietly with the baby by the crib and let the baby's tiredness wash over it, the cries will subside. No manipulation required.
Control got you in this fix in the first place. What makes you think it will get you out of it too?
Trust the process of meditation.
It seems like you feel there are two crabs inside... a present crab and an echo crab, but this is not the case. There are thoughts... and it seems you're struggling with stuffing them down. Consider watching Ajahn Jayasaro's counting breath meditation on YouTube. Your mind is simply agitated, and you're trying to shoo away what cannot be shooed... the act of shooing adds momentum, like a dog chasing its tail. The Jayasaro video will give you an instruction on what to do with your mind instead of chasing down thoughts or trying to excise them.
With warmth,
Matt
Just sit.
Hope this helps.
I think I understand, but will this result in good habits or an endless fight against nothing?
Nobody tells me Nothing . . . :scratch:
I find a practice diary useful when combat active. I write down the arisings, thoughts, preoccupations, ghost stuff, physical sensations and anything I find relevant. I also score my 'adversaries' for:
fighting skill
artistic merit
pain threshold
funny make up
. . . hope that is not too confrontational and of some benefit
:wave:
But I don't understand what you mean by 'delayed reaction'?
But I don't understand what you mean by 'delayed reaction'?
Im afraid that if I stop fighting ill just lose myself. The only thing that I feel keeps me mindful and slightly aware is the fighting.
Delayed reflection is the idea of your subconscious being a reflection of your habits. I call it a delayed reflection because it reflects what youve done before and expects you to continue that, therefore it has a will of its own.
BTW its delayed "reflection" not reaction
It sounds like you have aversion to yourself, to your thoughts and feelings. The solution to aversion is not mindfulness and certainly not more effort to get rid of this (that would be based on aversion again). Lots of people have this, so it's not just you.
But you have to realize one way or the other that meditation only works if you are kind to yourself. I'm actually a bit surprised nobody brought this up earlier, but what I think you should practice is metta meditation. That learns you to embrace yourself including all parts you don't really like for now.
Then, exactly because you can embrace things and not push them away all the time, you can start to transform them. But not before there is genuine kindness in the mind.
I'd suggest to start with some guided metta meditation to get the drift of it. Then start practicing it frequently. Here you can find some guided instructions:
http://www.youtube.com/results?search_query=guided+metta&oq=guided+metta&gs_l=youtube.3..0l2.218958.221014.0.221128.16.13.2.0.0.0.142.1232.9j4.13.0...0.0...1ac.1.11.youtube.NeKwcZCM6U8
I personally like:
I'm not saying that meditation shouldn't be relaxing or enjoyable but just that like life, it has its relaxing and enjoyable aspect and its not so relaxing and enjoyable aspect.
It seems to me that the source of your fight is the belief? I'm not however saying don't believe or what to believe.
It's a confusing belief from an outside perspective - I think I count 3 participants? You, the delayed reflection and the guy in the middle?
I suppose in this sense, when you say ghost, you mean hallucination - so are you trying to tell yourself to stop swinging your arms around because no-one is there to hit?
If so - then concentrate really hard on stopping swinging rather than considering what others are doing...
I say this because in response to your first question, I can't speak for the all but if I am not included then all-1 is not all and therefore because I am not fighting, I can report that we are all not fighting - if that helps?
As to your second question - in the same vein that you wish sincerely to know whether the fighting will stop, equally sincerely, from my point of view (without the shared belief) I want to know how the fighting could start in the first place?