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Wife Lessons
Chaz
The Remarkable ChazAnywhere, Everywhere & Nowhere Veteran
.... or Spouse Lessons, if you will.
I've been married three times and I'd like to think I've learned a few things along the way.
1.) Don't marry for sex.
2.) Don't marry someone your mother doesn't like.
3.) What you need in a partner is far more important than what you want.
4.) Honesty is not always the best policy, especially when dressing for a special occaision.
5.) Rule 5
6.) Make friends with her Dad.
7.) Flowers are always good.
8.) Take nothing for granted
9.) Let her pick the movie every other time.
10.) It's your toilet seat, not hers. If she objects, start planning for a urinal and make sure she knows about it.
11.) Never forget your anniversary. See #7.
12.) Abandon jealousy.
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Comments
Oh, in my opinion, you are most welcome to install your own urinal. It means that I'll have 50% more time to use the lavatory and as it's your urinal, you can clear up your own drips.
Rule 5 - what?? :scratch: .
Rule 5 = Harden the @$&# Up
Oh, right...yeah...but not too much, eh? I mean, you wouldn't want to come across as an arrogant, patronising, uncaring and dismissive chauvinist, would you?
13) Soften the edges, that works well.
14) Be prepared, every time, to admit 'you' got it wrong.
15) Always be the first to apologise for losing your temper, even though you may have been in the right.
16) Use mouth and ears in correct proportion.
17) Never prepare your defence while they are still explaining their problem. Listen. THEN reply.
18) Share responsibility for joint decisions.
19) Never bring up the past, or use previous issues to underpin current ones.
20) Never use the word 'never' and always avoid the use of 'always'.
EDIT to add:
Also on third marriage. And a good long stint with 'Marriage Care' taught me an awful lot.
Still confused about the first one. Unwilling to risk a second attempt.
Burnt out and happy as hell to be alone after the second one (gawd!) Love it when other people get married
.
But that's not what it means. More like fortitude. Not taking things personally. A willingness to put your head down and work your ass off in the relationship. Courage. Integrity. Do whatever it takes. Never give up.
We said, having been married 3 times......
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Why is the toilet seat the man's? LOL I'm the one that has to sit on it much more often than he does. That said, I've never understood arguing about the seat position, if you don't like the position, fix it. If you don't like falling in the toilet in the dark, then turn the light on. I personally would love it we had a urinal (have 3 boys and a husband in the house) but it would have to go in the garage. No way I'm cleaning under that.
I've only been married once, and only for 6 years. (I did spend 14 years with someone else, but we never married, thankfully). Compromise and balance has served us well so far. Neither of us hesitates to admit we are wrong, and to apologize sincerely for things we do wrong. It goes a long ways in preventing things from building up and exploding later.
There's a great lesson. I found that you need to be totally happy with your own company. You become the kind of person goes to the outdoors alone and is content with that. When you get to that point, you'll be ready for sharing your life with someone.
Along the same theme, just a further extension: Know how to meet your needs. This romantic ideal that there is someone out there who completes you, who is half of you, is just nuts. If you don't know yourself, how can you EVER expect someone else to know you well enough to be a partner in your life?
I know so many women who lay in bed and wonder why their partners don't do this or that. They wonder what it'll take to get their partner to understand their needs and fulfill them. It's not his job. It's your job. You fulfill your own needs, because your partner can't, and will certainly fail at that expectation and then one or both will be looking for needs elsewhere, only to find someone who meets the need your partner did not, but the lack in yet another area. Your needs are your responsibility.
So does this message board result in any folks meeting and getting married? Seems to be a few divorcees about at least. I'm twice divorced and presently single...
One rule I try and stick by with my wife and kids is "choose your battles".
Does it really matter if your kid doesn't wanna wear shoes to walk out to the car?
Does it really matter that you'll miss the first quarter of that football game because your wife wants to watch Gardening Australia?
No.
^For sure!
What's the difference between your first wife and your second?
The second one's the one with the fake jewellery and the real orgasms
It's very important, what you are able to bring to the table -- yourself. I sure do see and hear a lot of complaints about the 'quality' of potential mates out there (for whatever reason) but I wonder how many people genuinely think about their own quality as a mate, other than how gorgeous their body or financial portfolio.
This might come across as sad, but in my career I've watched many couples together while one goes through a terminal illness. That's when you really see the quality with a capital Q in action. Helping a very elderly gentleman feed his wife, and witnessing his gentleness and and focus on her be so complete he is barely there, so attuned to her (the one in mind happened to have advanced Alzheimer's). It takes a person with a lot of 'inside development' to really be a good partner, who you will need to be there during . . . well, everything.
I've seen less graceful examples too
but I don't retain the memories like I do of the other 
.
The first eight years of my marriage was a battle with the toilet seat raised or lowered. After our second boys was potty trained my wife gave up on that one. Next month will be our 20th anniversary. It certainly hasn't been easy, and it takes an aweful lot of work.
Politeness goes a long way. Don't ever be thrifty with the pleases and thank you's.
Seems like marriage sucks big time. People should just let things be without too much expectations.
No, marriage, in and of itself, is wonderful. You can get married to the wrong person and it will suck to be you, but that's not marriage's fault.
It isn't always easy, that's for sure.
If you want to marry someone make sure it's the right person. If you're not sure, don't get married.
Divorce does suck.
Marriage is just like anything else. It can't be good or bad by itself, the experience of it depends on the people involved.
I enjoy being married. My husband and I make good partners and we balance each other well. We still have our rough patches, we still argue about things but there is something different and special about it.
I appreciate it more being older than when I was in my teens and 20s. Then, I was very cynical about it and saw it as pointless. For me, there are many wonderful points to being married. And I do think actually being married is another dimension, it's different than simply being in a long term relationship (for me, anyhow).
Lol. Neither me nor my fiancee can ever remember our anniversary. I think it's because we were friends first and it was kind of a tentative start, so by the time we were "official" so much had already gone on. But long story short, somewhere around year 3, because of facebook, I found out that we had accidentally switched our anniversary and celebrated the new date for a few years! Haha... oops.
But it really is just a day to us. We spend so much time together enjoying each other's company that every anniversary ends up just being like an excuse to spend more money than usual or do something slightly more exotic, lol. I can see how anniversaries might become more important once you have kids (and therefore, less time to yourself)... but we don't... so sadly, we live the hedonistic lifestyle and love it...
Rather than add to an already ponderous list, here are mine.
@yagr, LOL, #1 explains why my husband is happy to pass certain other things and be proud of them
I got that that Chaz's list and yagr's list was for him.
But is federicas list for him or her then? Because I would love to see those implemented by my spouse.
.
/Victor
How many people does it take to MAKE a marriage. @Victorious?
Do you take different vows, in marriage?
There's your answer....
I realise this may not apply to those who have not actually gone through an official 'ceremony'. But a personal commitment is still there, a dedication to being with someone through thick and thin.
A relationship is a 100% two-way process.
There can be no balance if Blame is apportioned, but Responsibility is not taken.
One or other may be to Blame, and the degrees of culpability are infinitely variable. It's a question of how badly the other takes it.
The degree of offence is sometimes greater than the offence committed. And it's a subjective thing....
However, Responsibility is unmovable, a set thing. it's 100% of your 50%.
And if one shortfalls (by let us say an imaginary 20%) the other cannot give 100% of themselves, and make up the lacking 20% of the other.
What I am saying is that I do not have any problem with anything on any of those lists.
But my spouse could benefit from reading them...
I might be a bit chauvinistic here but generally speaking admitting guilt and apologising is mostly reserved for the male party in a relation no matter who did what wrong.
Just sayin.
Flowers are always good. And chocolate.
/Victor
There's a very good reason for that. It's because you're always wrong, silly!
(Okay, okay, I'm kidding!)
Women do expect men to be psychic, and understand what's wrong. And that's totally unacceptable.
However, some guys don't always understand that we don't always want problem-solving. Sometimes when we rant, we just need sympathy and a strong shoulder.
Guys are often prone to offering solutions to problems, but sometimes, all a gal wants is to be heard, to be listened to.
Ever heard of the Speaker-Listener technique?
It may seem trite, contrived and pointless to some, but actually, properly done, it is one of the most effective methods I have ever come across for REALLY turning Effective Communication into a Fine Art.
Both husband and son have it down pat: at home, they pee sitting down. And that's non-negotiable.
Other than that, I've been married to the same man for over fifteen years.
I met him when I was nineteen (he's eight months older than I), broke off when we were twenty-four and decided to give our relationship a second chance and tie the knot at twenty-eight.
We both had plenty of mileage before getting married, and decided that once we got married, it would last until death do us apart.
So far, so good. Our love has evolved over the years, but positively and in a mature way. We both put up with each other's quirks, and when a compromise is called for, we simply sit down and talk.
He's an excellent listener (well, a bit over average than any man...) and negotiator, and I never grumble when he wants to watch his football matches.
Both genders have to understand that we're different. I have learned almost from the beginning that men operate on a simpler basis than we women. For instance, when a couple argues, women will be in a huff all day. Men have forgotten all about it in five minutes. I've seen it with my husband, I see it with my son. So I let it drop in five minutes too.
We do have our rows from time to time because we both have strong temperaments, but nothing that cannot be fixed.
For the time being, I agree with @Chaz that when a marriage fails, don't blame it on the marriage institution: you've probably married the wrong person.
But I'm not judging. It might be that up until now, hubby and I have grown together in the same direction. In the future, we might grow apart, who knows.
Love is a vow that gets renewed every day and takes some good will and effort. Like everything good in life.
It's just a lot of inherent difference in men and women, @Victorious. They see things differently (ahh, perception, lol) much of the time, and sometimes it's hard for us...for me anyhow...to understand how in the world my husband and my kids can look at a room and declare it clean, when quite obviously it is NOT clean. And I'm not picky about that sort of thing, but when there is a pile of 4 days worth of dirty socks on the floor by my husbands computer, which is in the living room, I expect that as an adult, he can see that and realize HE is responsible for them, and to pick them up in a timely manner without having to be asked. From his point of view, he doesn't even notice them, and when he does, he doesn't think they contribute to the room looking messy. I'm lucky because if I ask him to do something, he will do it immediately, and do it well. But it gets frustrating having to consistently ask a 30 year old man to pick up a work week's worth of dirty socks off the living room floor. Every week. I don't buy that at this point, he doesn't know I'm going to ask him to take care of them. Some days, it's like having a 4th child and that admittedly gets frustrating. Sometimes I let those little things build up, and then I get mad and he ends up apologizing. But acting oblivious sometimes requires an apology, lol.
However, I don't think it's a good thing when men apologize just to sate the wife/woman. If you apologize just because she is upset and you don't honestly even know why she's upset, then you aren't really doing anything to make the situation better. Because if you apologize, she assumes you are doing it for a specific reason, and then she will expect your behavior to change in relation to that. When you apologize for something, you should from that point be making an effort to not continue doing whatever you had to apologize for, and if you don't know what it is, it's bound to come up again. She'll get more upset the second time because now you are apologizing repeatedly and not changing the behavior that she thinks you are apologizing for.
@karasti
I am very careful about what I apologize for. Lately I rather talk to her and sort things out instead.
And about that clean thing... I sometimes wonder how my spouse can "tidy" the kitchen, put the electronic stuff in three different places, just cram the mail into the (by me sorted) mail and bill cupbord and empty the dishwasher into the cupboards totally in a disarray from how I just sorted the mugs (upside down I might add) and still think the room is tidy? Just because there is no visible dirt on the mat?
Lol. I guess I am happy with a load of dirty socks on the floor if only the bills are sorted and the electronics are easy to find...Funny how we define tidy in our own way.
It's kind of humorous to hear the sock conversation because it is my wife who leaves her socks on the living room floor...and six pair of shoes...and the sweatshirt...and two t-shirts...and...
It doesn't bother her in the least, so therefore - at least to my way of thinking, it is not her problem. Since the socks seem out of place to me on the living room floor, I pick them up and put them where I think they are not out of place - which frequently is directly into the washer.
It's a point of levity for us though...she'll ask me if I know where her blue shoes with the white stripe are, or her cowgirl boots, or her whatever... and we'll go into the living room together and start lifting whatever I haven't found a home for yet to see if the missing whatever is under them. Surprisingly often, they are.
I kind of follow the "if I don't like it, it's my problem so I should deal with it" plan but having 3 kids and several pets, I can't do it myself, lol. I literally can pick up an armful of stuff, put it away, and by the time I get back, there is more stuff to pick up. They each get a small tub, and when I pick up, I put their items i the tub. If it is not emptied on a daily basis, the items inside belong to me to do what I wish. I'm not above selling my kids toys, games, clothes, and so on if they don't care enough to put it away it must not be very important to them.
I am a neat freak at heart, actually, and having to allow a certain degree of disorder is really hard for me as it is. It just would be nice to get just a smidgen of help once in a while, and I don't think it's too much to ask for others to pick up their own messes. I also don't think it takes a mind reader to realize that when you step over the same item 20 times in a day, that maybe you could be the one to pick it up. It's maddening, sometimes!
My husband grew up in a family where the wife just does it all, no matter what. His mom waits on her husband and her kids hand and foot when they are together. I hate the attitude that this type of behavior produces, so I am adamant about my sons learning how to do all those things for themselves. Cooking, dishes, vacuuming, they clean their own pee from around the toilet, they water plants, take care of pets, scrub floors on their hands and knees, and so on. I refuse to raise a son who turns into a man that expects his wife to do it all.
My husband really will do whatever I ask him to do, he's very good about it. But I hate having to ask. Over. And over. And over. Today isn't a good day for me to talk about it, LOL. Getting ready to leave on a trip is chaotic and I'm kind of crabby
So take anything I say with a grain of salt! To balance things, my husband works 9 hour days, then comes home and cooks dinner. He does most of the menu planning and we shop together weekly. He pays all the bills. He spoils me whenever he can. So mostly I just do whatever needs to be done. Just some days, there is more to be done than I can handle alone and I hate having to ask for what should be obvious.
I'm done whining now
I thought nothing of posting a great big A3 piece of paper and sticking it on the fridge, with a two-column list:
One column was headed "What your Mother/wife does:"
The other was headed, "What your Mother/Wife is NOT here to do:
And each column had the appropriate duties or tasks.
The basket idea is perfect.
But at weekend, I'd make it a rule that the basket does not play middleman. If it's not cleared away after use, it goes straight into a black bag.
What, weekends too, you're supposed to pick up after them?
See, I absolutely know precisely where @karasti is coming from, and from a wife's PoV (particularly if she bears that subservient label of 'Housewife' or the slightly more whimsical and PC, 'Home-maker' [Gag] ), it's a thankless task, a Lose-Lose-Lose situation.
If we don't pick it up, it will stay there forever. And I mean that literally. I have tested the theory twice, and it's now fact. For. Ever.
If we don't pick it up but continuously have to ask (Yes, continuously. Not continually. look up the distinction) people to do things, we inherit that wonderful additional patronising title of 'Nag'.
If we keep quiet, grit our teeth and just do it - then that's the way it will always be, because that's how others will expect things to continue. "Hey, you've done it before, loads of times - why are you complaining now - ?!
I have soooo been there.....
Many, many, many years ago, I went to a works Gathering/convention party, call it what you will - a firm's flimsy excuse to let their hair down, get drunk and talk dirty about the Director's wife. You know, the kind of convention where guys talk about 'my son', 'my daughter', my mother/brother/father/dog' but 'the wife'....
At one point, I got the classic "And what do you do?" To which I replied, "I'm a housewife". He then responded with "Oh, so you don't work then?" And was met with a stony silence and 'if looks could kill' glares from all the ladies on the same table.
He didn't really say much after that.
Booyah....
Ahhhh. You have the same problem as Mister Dandelion
!!