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Buddhist Jokes

ClayTheScribeClayTheScribe Veteran
edited March 2012 in General Banter
I'm sure there are some other threads with Buddhist jokes on here, but I'm starting another one. We often get very serious and heated on here, it's nice to joke and even make fun of ourselves. I'll start:

Bad Buddhist pick-up line: "Hey baby, what better way to realize inter-connectedness then for me to enter you?"

Comments

  • federicafederica Seeker of the clear blue sky... Its better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak out and remove all doubt Moderator
    That's not bad.
    That's absolutely dreadful.
    any guy trying that on me would very soon discover there is such a thing as (un)consciousness.
  • IñigoIñigo Explorer
    edited March 2012
    Q: How many Buddhist does it take to change a lightbulb?
    A: There is only One.

    It's OK, when I made it up I didn't laugh either :(;)
  • I thought this was funny.
  • ^ :lol:
  • personperson Don't believe everything you think The liminal space Veteran
    A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws by hand.
    He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up! In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.
    The head monk, says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son."
    He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years. Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot.

    So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing, "We missed the "R" ! , we missed the "R" !"
    His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably.
    The young monk asks the old abbot, "What's wrong, father?"
    With A choking voice, the old abbot replies, "The word was... CELEBRATE !!! "
  • personperson Don't believe everything you think The liminal space Veteran
    How many Madhayamka scholars does it take to screw in a light bulb?
    Four:
    One to scew it in.
    One to not screw it in.
    One to both screw it in and not screw it in.
    One too neither screw it in nor not screw it in.

  • personperson Don't believe everything you think The liminal space Veteran
    Why are there no good Buddhist blues guitarists?















    They have no soul.
  • personperson Don't believe everything you think The liminal space Veteran
    image
  • personperson Don't believe everything you think The liminal space Veteran
    Why couldn't the buddhist vacuum in corners?















    Because he had no attachments
  • personperson Don't believe everything you think The liminal space Veteran
    Two Zen monks were walking down the road.
    First monk says: "These pine trees are magnificent."
    The second monk slaps him across the face.
    First monk: "Why did you do that?"
    "I'm a Zen monk so I can get away with all kinds of weird stuff like that."
  • personperson Don't believe everything you think The liminal space Veteran
  • federicafederica Seeker of the clear blue sky... Its better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak out and remove all doubt Moderator
    ....Is 'deja-vu' a Buddhist concept?
  • ZeroZero Veteran
    A student stands one one side of a wide river with no bridge or boat. He shouts to the master on the opposite bank, "How do I get to the other side?"
    The master shouts back, "You are on the other side".
  • federicafederica Seeker of the clear blue sky... Its better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak out and remove all doubt Moderator
    Simpering debutante latching onto Buddhism as a fashion statement, to make her seem more spiritual, holy, wholesome and chastely pure.... (think Paris Hilton on a zafu....)
    meets Dalai Lama backstage, (rich daddy got her a stage-pass!) after his talk on attachment, materialism and the suffering of the affluent west...
    "Oh Dali," she croons, clutching her hands under her chin, " i just loooved your talk thing with all the maroon robe and smelly stuff, it was so keeewel!"
    The Dalai Lama, smiling as ever, bows slightly... bemused....
    "Yeah, well....great.... anyway, you'll never guess what??
    My daddy, who's a real big fan of yours, (he's bought all your records and stuff)... you know, he made a bet with me, and he bet me that if i can just get you to say three words, to me, personally, just to me..." *squeals in anticipated delight*, "he says he'll buy me a brand new arctic fox fur coat! isn't that just the best..?!?
    so what do you say, Dali dearest?"

    HH the Dalai Lama pauses, smiles, and replies -
    "Daddy wins!"
  • personperson Don't believe everything you think The liminal space Veteran
  • federicafederica Seeker of the clear blue sky... Its better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak out and remove all doubt Moderator
    edited March 2012
    Ah. I think he felt suitably embarrassed.....
    the biter bit.....

    Classic.
  • justsheajustshea Explorer
    Why did the buddhist chicken cross the road? Because the chicken and the road are dependent arising.
  • justsheajustshea Explorer
    Why is the Dalai Lama so careful when he leaves his garage? So his karma won't run over his dogma.
  • The pizza piece is very, very funny..........just because of the guy's embarrassment. LOL stuff ;)
  • This one just cracks me up 'cause you know it's probably never happened, but I can see that with a Western monk.
  • Why did the Buddhist coroner get fired?
    He kept marking the cause of death as "birth".
  • personperson Don't believe everything you think The liminal space Veteran
    edited March 2012
  • personperson Don't believe everything you think The liminal space Veteran
    One zen student said, “My teacher is the best. He can go days without eating.”
    The second said, “My teacher has so much self-control, he can go days without sleep.”
    The third said, “My teacher is so wise that he eats when he’s hungry and sleeps when he’s tired.”
  • Ahahahhaha!! @person

    You're my hero.
  • ToshTosh Veteran
    edited April 2012
    Photobucket

    (I wouldn't like to be that puppy when the cat gets loose)
  • If you want to realize the truth of interconnectedness, put two cords 12 feet apart. Get up and walk to another room for 10 minutes. When you return, they will be tangled. This is an eternal law.
  • ZaylZayl Veteran
    edited April 2012
    @Tosh honestly? That is one of the cutest images I have ever seen. And I thank you. Everything from the "deal with it" look on the pup's face and the "GODDAMNIT" look on the cats face, it honestly brightened my day.
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