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Lobsters Guide to Religions

image
Extreme 'Yogic flying' demonstration before an audience of invited skeptics.

Guys in my efforts towards understanding the various paths open to Gonzo Religionists, I am constructing an article on my understanding of religion. I am not a professional academic, so I welcome your corrections/additions.

-----
Lobsters Guide to Religions

The first religion was invented by the Pharaohs and was called Paganism, which means 'peasants religion'. If you were a Pharaoh you were automatically Pagan. Everyone else's religion was Judaism and judaists had to build big graves for the Pharoahs. These tombs were called pyramids, which is Incan for Ziggurat.
Famous Pharoahs include: 'The Mummy', Tutting Carmoonie and the Queen of Sheba.

When the Pharoahs all died, due to marrying their sisters, brothers and cats, Judaism became the state religion and was set in stone by Moses. Everyone was considered Jewish at this time and Adam became the first Rabbi along with his first and second wives Lilith and Eve. Neither were his sisters, though Eve was related.
Famous Jews are: the merchant of Venice, Oy veh and 'The Talmud'.

After Judaism came Hinduism, which was invented in the Himalayas about the time dinosaurs became popular. Hindus believe the world was created by an elephant called Harry Krishna aka 'Ganesh'. They are known for eating currys, river bathing and owning holy cattle.
Famous Hindus include: Gandhi the inventor of India, 'Yeti', George Harrison, the Dalai Lama and Nellie the Elephant.

After Hinduism came Buddhism which was invented by a reincarnation of the Buddha, who invented breathing. The Buddha had an all male harem known as 'the Sang-ha', who still wear saris to this day. The main belief in Buddhism is atheism and spiritual vegetarianism.
Famous Buddhists include: Hollywood, Tina Turner, Steve Jobs and The Prince of Goatama.

After Buddhism we have the emergence of modern religions, such as Christianity, Islamism, Mormonism and Capitalism. All of these are based on the first book known as the Bible, which tells the history of religion and explains the prophecies of Nostradamus and science. Modern religion is now partly owned by the Feemasons, the Vatican and 'the conspiracy theorists'.

After the modern religions came New Ageism, created by a global effort to ensure religion becomes more popular. Their main beliefs are 'Oprah', crystals, extreme yoga and the Flying Spaghetti monster.
Famous New Agers include: Richard Dawkins, Walt Disney, Aleister Crowley, Sting, Deepfried Chopra, Madonna and the music industry.

----

Hope I did not make too many mistakes?
ThePensumTheEccentricSabrecvalueChazEvenThirdBunkscptshrkFullCircleriverflowFairyFellermithril

Comments

  • NirvanaNirvana aka BUBBA   `     `     ` `     ` Outa Range Fridays thru Sundays South Carolina, USA Veteran
    Wut?
    :confused: :screwy:
    vinlynThePensumlobster
  • err I got as far as "The first religion was invented by the Pharaohs and was called Paganism".
    Chaz
  • vinlynvinlyn Colorado...for now Veteran
    It is a human trait to go too far. :D
    Vastmind
  • haha okay this is sposed to be funny. I hope.
    Vastmind
  • howhow Veteran
    Sleep typing???
    lobster
  • ThePensum said:

    err I got as far as "The first religion was invented by the Pharaohs and was called Paganism".

    Thanks guys, been doing some further research: The word 'pagan' is ancient Italian for 'peasant'. Even though the Romanians, the ancient dwellers of Italy, were polytheists (people who will worship anything including parrots), they referred to kilts or celts as they preferred to be addressed, as followers of 'pleb/peasant' religion.
  • VastmindVastmind Memphis, TN Veteran
    FYI....Oprah is spreading some good stuff...leave
    the fluffy...lololo.....it's accessible and heart warming...so how much
    more can you ask?

    Um...the guy in the wall....I don't get...
    AFA his relation to the sum ups? Art is his religion...
    haha....true. :p
    Nirvana
  • @lobster said: Famous Buddhists include: Hollywood, Tina Turner, Steve Jobs and The Prince of Goatama.
    You forgot my favorite Richard Gere.
    Vastmindlobster
  • @Lobster, you forgot the first million or so years of 'pagan traditions' of Goddess Worship that predates all the patriarchal religions that followed and are still causing havoc today ..... But that's OK, most archaeologists overlook that as well. I think it's a "man thing" to pretend it never happen. ;)
    lobsterKundo
  • lobster said:

    image
    Extreme 'Yogic flying' demonstration before an audience of invited skeptics.

    Yogic flying? Mm... maybe, but it's also what I'd like to do to people who leave dogs, cats, and children in locked cars. :grumble: :D Unfortunately my actions would not be very dharmic or compassionate.
  • ChazChaz The Remarkable Chaz Anywhere, Everywhere & Nowhere Veteran
    MaryAnne said:

    @Lobster, you forgot the first million or so years of 'pagan traditions' of Goddess Worship that predates all the patriarchal religions that followed and are still causing havoc today ..... But that's OK, most archaeologists overlook that as well. I think it's a "man thing" to pretend it never happen. ;)

    Well, there's the proverbial "turd in a punchbowl" for you. I suppose that crack about men was supposed to be funny, right?

    That has to be the most sexist thing I've encountered in weeks and this time it came from a woman.

    Nice job Mary Anne. Well done.

  • NirvanaNirvana aka BUBBA   `     `     ` `     ` Outa Range Fridays thru Sundays South Carolina, USA Veteran
    lobster said:



    Thanks guys, been doing some further research...

    Priceless... :)
    EvenThirdThePensum
  • lobster said:

    ThePensum said:

    err I got as far as "The first religion was invented by the Pharaohs and was called Paganism".

    Thanks guys, been doing some further research: The word 'pagan' is ancient Italian for 'peasant'. Even though the Romanians, the ancient dwellers of Italy, were polytheists (people who will worship anything including parrots), they referred to kilts or celts as they preferred to be addressed, as followers of 'pleb/peasant' religion.
    where does wicca surface in your research?

  • Sir,

    I extend my most humble gratitude for your posting of the results of your empiricial and impartial scholastic enquiry. The wise thoughts you post in this thread are most enlightening and engaging from an intellectual standpoint.

    With utmost respect, I offer you my felicitations and hope this message finds you in the very best of mental, physical and spiritual health.

    I beg to remain your most humble and obedient servant,

    ThePensum
    Nirvanalobstercvalueriverflow
  • ChazChaz The Remarkable Chaz Anywhere, Everywhere & Nowhere Veteran
    ThePensum said:

    lobster said:

    ThePensum said:

    err I got as far as "The first religion was invented by the Pharaohs and was called Paganism".

    Thanks guys, been doing some further research: The word 'pagan' is ancient Italian for 'peasant'. Even though the Romanians, the ancient dwellers of Italy, were polytheists (people who will worship anything including parrots), they referred to kilts or celts as they preferred to be addressed, as followers of 'pleb/peasant' religion.
    where does wicca surface in your research?

    Yes! I was wondering about one of my all-time faves, Baal worship?
  • Freakin' conspiracy theorists man, they control ERRYTHING!
  • genkakugenkaku Northampton, Mass. U.S.A. Veteran
    edited November 2013
    Oh wise and resourceful @lobster -- perhaps you would enlighten us as to why it is/was that everyone who ever professed a religion seemed to need CLOTHES. I don't mean just fig leaves ... but serious-shit, haute couture stuff as well. The gamut runs from show-off ornate to show-off simple.

    Are clothes integral to professing religion? If so, why are those who wear clothes but do not profess a religion not considered religious as well? And if not, can I use my Walmart coupons, save a couple of bucks, and still have a rootin' tootin' god as my savior?

    With many thanks for your profound counsel....
  • NirvanaNirvana aka BUBBA   `     `     ` `     ` Outa Range Fridays thru Sundays South Carolina, USA Veteran
    ^ Lobster, Dear Fellow, I always look forward to you posts and I cannot help but love you for them. But the OP of this thread was a surprise letdown.

    Well, I learned a lot from it. Plan on a wise time to go to bed and stick by it. Don't ever go past it more than 25 hrs! :rockon:

    You set yourself up on this and I still love you anyhow because you don't give a hare's hair what anybody thinks of you. You are "out there" beyond most mortals, I suspect.

    With awe,

    N
  • lobsterlobster Veteran
    edited November 2013
    genkaku said:

    Are clothes integral to professing religion

    . . . as you know I am not immune to flattery and other forms of fancy addressing. However this is a serious topic:

    In early religion, nudism was legal. However due to a misunderstanding with a snake and a tree, it became immoral and a little frightening for some, in the vegetable section of supermarkets. As people became more institutionally religious, they wore uniforms and interesting hats. Most people are naked under their clothes or sadhu ashes. As we are on a Buddhist forum, it might be of interest that one of the meanings of Tantra is 'thread'. Oh the yarns they spin, the hats they wear.
    Women were encouraged to go naked in some forms of wiccary, at the instigation of a man, or obsessively hijabbed to protect men.

    On the question of fish, cod is a symbol of Christ, the well known nephew of ultimate deity and in Buddhism of the awakened as they have no eyelids. Eyes are open. I myself worship sardine cans for their contents.

    I would like to thank everyone contributing to this scholarly and informative debate. I may soon have enough material to write my article . . .


    NirvanamatthewmartinThePensumEvenThird
  • NirvanaNirvana aka BUBBA   `     `     ` `     ` Outa Range Fridays thru Sundays South Carolina, USA Veteran
    edited November 2013
    ^KUDOS!

    Lobster, I adore You!

    I jest ken Not stop l;aughing, full stop.
  • Deepfried Chopra. Not sure I would want to taste that. That's saying a lot since I love deepfried anything.
    Kundo
  • Thanks for the love and adoration. Well deserved. :buck:

    I feel we have gone a little off the empirical track, so it might be time to examine the Love based religions:

    The Love Religions were invented in the 1960's by the hippies, which included Opera Winfrey, The Beatles, Neil Armstrong (the first man to moon) and Steve Jobs (also known as the wizard of Woz). They invented the phrase 'God Is, Luv' and became the first Western Buddhists since the Greeks. Many lived in trees or thought they were trees. To capitalise on these new religions, India exported its mentally deluded hordes to help with the development. These would become the 'Gurus' and eventually the 'Who Gnu'. As the Love religions and their Gnu Gurus became institutionalised, some key truths emerged:

    1. Religion is sexy
    2. Love promotion and remember
    3. Tune out, drop in, turn up (Professor Timmy Leery)
    4. Plant Power
    Nirvana
  • KundoKundo Sydney, Australia Veteran
    Chaz said:

    Well, there's the proverbial "turd in a punchbowl" for you. I suppose that crack about men was supposed to be funny, right?

    That has to be the most sexist thing I've encountered in weeks and this time it came from a woman.

    Nice job Mary Anne. Well done.

    I'm hoping that was a tongue in cheek reply to @MaryAnne 's jesting comment. If not, you need to relax.

    In metta,
    Raven

  • BunksBunks Australia Veteran
    Someone sent me this link the other day.......

    http://uncyclopedia.wikia.com/wiki/Flying_Spaghetti_Monster
    lobster
  • lmao that's absolutely hilarious.
  • Even though 'parody religions' have a humorous role to play in debunking our more outlandish attachments, we should also show respect for their manifestations.

    For example enclosed is an image I took yesterday of Bertrand Russell's 'Flying Teapot'. I have also enclosed an image from the same location of HH Highly Sir Lassy with a roll of cannelloni, I and I, who some say was the original Pastafarian. Others dispute the Cannelloni theory and maintain he is holding a chillum.
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