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I've considered myself a Zen Buddhist for about a decade now. I admit I'm having issues with faith this week. I understand that we're supposed to help other people become enlightened but I'm having trouble expressing my problem in a way that doesn't offend others.
I've always felt like an alien since I was a child simply because I care. In fact I've been told I care too much and people are sick of me getting on my soapbox. These "people" are transient. They don't stay the same. I wisely stop speaking to the one's who are insulting but yet more mean people just keep replacing them. So, I honestly feel very alone and that I do not have a tribe. I went to the Zen Buddhist community and what I got back was, these people need your help and don't take them so personally. I get that but after many years without a thank you I feel drained.
I have given people my last dollar through charities, through buying a meal, and by helping someone with their rent. I rarely get a thank you and I'm fine with that as long as I helped. What makes me so angry is when later a person I helped accuses me of being fake and priding myself on it. I'm on disability for a very low amount. I help others because I know I can in the moment and they need it. I hold the door for the elderly and help people carry things but I digress.
Is there really other people out there like me or are we simply that rare? And, why am I getting so much backlash for it? It's not like I start off a conversation with I helped 3 people today. In fact, I'm a very quiet person. I don't tell people anything unless they ask. So, now I wonfer if Zen Buddhism is for me. I feel like I ask too many questions when Zen is about removing those questions.