falling off the path

chanratt

I do this a lot with many things that I do. I start of all enthusiastic about a new hobby, discovery, musical instrument, whatever,then, after a matter of months, I get bored. I guess I started practicing Zazen almost a year ago. I started going to the local Zen center, read a ton of books, meditated for about 23-30 a day, and I really felt great. Then I got distracted with after thing or another and I don't visit the Center anymore, don't read anymore, don't listen to talks and I would rather sit for 3 hours playing WOW and drinking beers than practicing Buddhism. I mean it's instant and it's fun, right?

I know I've noticed this pattern with myself all my life, with the guitar, writing, the gym, anything, but I thought that if I meditated and practiced, this part of my ego that is always hopping from one thing to the next, would get weakened and I would feel more steady and at peace. I'm quite disappointed with myself right now. I was taking sewing classes to sew a rakusu so I could take the precepts in July. Now i'm more interested in getting buzzed and leveling my Druid.

I guess I know what I have to do and what you'll all tell me...just try harder....I just thought that I wouldn't have to battle my old habits as much as I am and that this newfound spirituality would feel so good that I wouldn't need any more outside entertainment and distraction. Anyone else here got off the path so dramatically and found it this hard to get back on?

genkaku

Hi chanratt -- From a distance, spiritual endeavor looks like a bright star. It is so inviting, so different, so improved. Everyone wants to be happy and at first there is a distinct sense that this bright star will confer happiness. So perhaps at first we gobble spiritual food like a starving man... books, temples, rituals -- yum yum, yum.

And then the dime drops and we realize it's hard work. And more than hard work, it's pretty plain and pretty unexciting. Boooooring.

My feeling is likely to differ from others' and that feeling is, don't push the river. If spiritual endeavor is not on the menu at the moment, stop gobbling it. If there's one thing Buddhism teaches, it is suffering and the cessation of suffering. So, there's no real need to push. Suffering (uncertainty, dissatisfaction, etc.) will knock on your door and you will do what you can to allay it. Suffering is not just for Buddhists. It's guaranteed for every human being. Suffering is an equal-opportunity employer.

So ... relax. Do what you like. And then see what happens when you do what you like. Does it ease your uncertainties? Maybe yes. Maybe no. Just keep doing what you like and see where it honestly leads you. Maybe it will lead you back to a more confirmed Buddhist practice. Maybe it will lead you to be a yo-yo champion.

When you stop insisting on answers, the answers are likely to arise more easily.

Best wishes.

chanratt

hmmm...deleted user..i wonder who that was?

Jeffrey

Some crazy wisdom tantric zen health science salesman.. Embelishing a little he made some intelligent posts but he had an ad signature and PMed me without invite to try products.

zombiegirl

i can't help you because i have the same problem, haha. for me, it's a constant cycle of art, writing, and buddhism. atm, my girlfriend is actually forcing me to stick with this novel and finish it. i've got a lot of beginnings, but not one single end to put my name on. sound familiar?

over my cycles, i do find that buddhism never disappears completely. it's merely how much i practice that fluctuates. my current attitude is borrowing from nike, "just do it!" i'm not letting myself give up this time and i'm pushing myself to do it because i don't want to be this way. for me, it seems like just getting the motivation is the hard part, but if i make myself do it anyways, i will eventually fall into a rhythm with it. in regards to writing, this means that i might struggle at first, but then i remember why i loved my work so much in the first place and it flows more naturally after that. in regards to meditation, this means that i might be reluctant and bored at first, but those feelings usually pass and i remember why i want to continue my practice.

atm, i am finding this to be quite helpful for me, but in all honesty, it's sort of a new thing so i can't give you the end result quite yet.

good luck to you

pineblossom

How can you fall off the path?

Just because things are not going the way you want them you blame the path.

Things are going exactly as they should. You are were you want to be.

If you want to change that result you need to change the causes. If you don't like were you are at present you need to change - that's all.

The only thing stopping you change is your own attitude.

nibbuti

Don't be so hard on yourself, chanratt.

If beginner's mind doesn't work for you, try terminator's mind.

For example, rather than follow some idea, find out what your heart really wants, while it is buried beneath all these little distractions.

Set a long-term goal and support yourself towards that goal.

A clear determination is the best rakusu.

:cool:

being

I have noticed the same cycle with myself long time ago, but it's not something I worry about anymore. I guess thanks to the practice I'm more willing to just accept whatever comes.
genkaku said all, that had to be said concerning this battle you're trying to fight with yourself. ^_^

But one thing I have noticed, is that despite all those periods of unawareness, the overall average level of mindfulness has always kept sloooowly rising.

zenff

Yes, expand your notion of “being on the path”. Make it include where you are right now.

Secondly, maybe you should move on and try doing a sesshin.
I chose to do that after about a year.
For me it was some kind of breakthrough to put that much energy into meditation.
Meditating for a week seemed to me like going through an entire lifetime.
It was tough, physically and mentally, and I think it changed me.
Mostly it meant I stopped fooling around and I got serious about it.

Whatever you decide to do, good luck to you!

being

Ah yes. I also believe doing a 'hardcore' meditation retreat can be very good in such a situation, where you know, that practicing would be beneficial, but you can't find the motivation to do it alone. You will kind of be forced to do it there, cause you will not want to fail yourself & be seen as a failure by others. ^^
You can sign up for one in your area on here - http://www.dhamma.org/