How to deal with bullies the Buddhist way?

lotuspadma

Lately, I've turned to Buddhism and by disclosing it to some co-workers, two of them started mocking me and dragging the Buddha's name to dirt. I ignored them as I always do with bullies. Then I treated them fairly and never mentioned it again, but I don't know if it was right... I mean, one of them was ashamed, but neither apologized. I don't think they learned much or gained any significant amount of respect for me. I quit later on, and never saw them again.

I've been having some questions in my mind ever since:

Is ignoring really the best way to react to the bullying? Is it harsh to walk away while they're "talking" to you?

Laughing with them, saying kind things, saying harsh things, trying to reason with them. Are any of these options wise?

Is it best to continue ignoring them afterwards or to try and be nice to them?

Should I keep my religion a secret?

Thank you for your attention.

Phoenix

There is nothing wrong with standing up for yourself and your own thoughts/ideas. This goes far beyond religion. You'll know you've gone too far if the dialog turns to hate. At that point, it might be best to leave the situation and calm yourself, bring back your mindfulness, and re-enter the conversation (if warranted).

vinlyn

I was a school principal in a community that was predominately Christian and Jewish. I never kept my religion a secret, but also never paraded around with a Buddhist flag. If there was a reason for it to be discussed, I would in whatever minimal way was appropriate. It was a sensitive position, but it worked. That may or may not apply to other situations.

person

In Buddhism we try to have compassion for our enemies, that doesn't mean we give them tickets to the Bahamas and say have a good time. :cool: We wish for beings to be free from suffering and the causes of suffering, in this case them teasing and mocking you is a cause of their suffering.

I personally don't reveal my religion to people until I get to know them well enough to know that they can handle it, partly to avoid the situation you went through. I don't really have any advice on how to deal with people once you're in that situation though except to develop enough understanding and faith in what you believe so that you can recognize the flaws in whatever they're saying.

lightlotus

This is my personal view and its due to all the office politics that i have experienced that I have come to this solution. I dont think that people maintain that fine line divide and when a certain line is crossed its really difficult to re-establish yourself and become assertive. Dont allow people to question every part of yourself - i was at an extreme point of frustration that made me have to re-assert myself with a lot of people in my life.

In a work situation its no one's business what you do in your private life, what faith or anything that you practice. its all too often that bullies are ignorant. I have in my mind converted to buddhism and its got nothing to do with anyone else not my family or friends and espicially work colleagues to discuss I have kept my conversion as a secret as its in my heart and i dont need to debate it or compare it - to me my faith is mine. Like Vinlyn said there is no need to have a banner with the word buddhist on it with the red sparkly arrow pointing at you...in that situation where people are mocking your faith, rise above it and move on. In life people are all to quick to mock others faith.

compassionate_warrior

If the dialogue turns to hate, then you have a legitimate grievance to take to the Human Resources Dept. (if the incident takes place in the workplace). Why are you worried about seeming "harsh" (walking away) toward people who are being abusive of you? It's funny (kind of alarming, though, when you think about it) how we're socialized to "be nice" to people, no matter what. That has its dysfunctional aspects; "nice" isn't always appropriate. "Nice" can be a trap. The opposite of "nice", however, isn't Rambo. The opposite of "nice" is assertive, or as in your case, evasive. As far as I've heard and read, psychologists advise walking away. Hopefully the behavior wouldn't escalate. Take this as a learning experience; you learned what can happen when you wear your Buddhism on your sleeve. I've never told anyone I was a Buddhist (except other Buddhists), and no one has ever asked. Maybe some parts of the US are more prone to discussing religion than others. In my experience, nobody cares about anyone's religion. (Are you in the US, Padma?) But I'm from the West Coast.

In Buddhism we try to have compassion for our enemies, that doesn't mean we give them tickets to the Bahamas and say have a good time. :cool:

YEAH! hahaha! well said, person! :thumbsup:

lightlotus

compassion is such a difficult area to master...being compassionate for an enemy is an advanced skill.

compassionate_warrior

compassion is such a difficult area to master...being compassionate for an enemy is an advanced skill.

True. There is the "turn the other cheek" strategy, but Jesus didn't have a Human Resources Department to back him up. I think exiting a hostile situation doesn't preclude cultivating compassion for the perpetrators in one's meditation sessions. But I think one truly needs "skillful means" to deal with this kind of thing, meaning: advanced practice, otherwise one's efforts could backfire or have unintended consequences. You're quite right, LL--compassion in the face of aggression is a very challenging skill. Without skillful means, best to leave the situation.

Arjquad

I tend to ignore people who try to annoye or that I know that the only reason they say something to me is to be annoying and it works fine. A teacher in elementary school once told me to ignore people who bully you since all they want is to see your reaction and for you to reconize that their harming you. But if you ignore them and ignore what there doing to you (to an extent) then they will learn that you are not affected by it and will stop. I use this teaching and has helped me to be who I am today and no matter what age or situation, all bullies have the same mentality to their actions.
Sorry if this didn't make much sense I just felt like I needed to share this.

lightlotus

I dont look at people and think instantly what religion they are, people dont tend to ask me much but then that might be down to me being asain and female - they must come to their own conclusion.

From reading what lotuspadma said it sort of sounds like this happened a while ago but the experience has stuck if you dont want to experience this again dont allow anyone to cross the line. Being assertive is as important as being compassionate and kind.

Also let negative experiences like this go - it only brings you down.

person

In Buddhism we try to have compassion for our enemies, that doesn't mean we give them tickets to the Bahamas and say have a good time. :cool:

YEAH! hahaha! well said, person! :thumbsup:

I can't take credit for that, I stole it from Matthieu Ricard

Vincenzi

Kung Fu was invented by buddhist monks...

compassionate_warrior

. Then I treated them fairly and never mentioned it again, but I don't know if it was right... I mean, one of them was ashamed, but neither apologized. I don't think they learned much or gained any significant amount of respect for me. I quit later on, and never saw them again.
Is ignoring really the best way to react to the bullying? Is it harsh to walk away while they're "talking" to you?
Laughing with them, saying kind things, saying harsh things, trying to reason with them. Are any of these options wise?
Is it best to continue ignoring them afterwards or to try and be nice to them?
Should I keep my religion a secret?

I think the fact that one of them was ashamed after you were nice to them says you did the right thing. One out of two is a pretty good batting average. And I think Arjquad answered your Q about ignoring bullies. Think of bullies as online trolls: if everyone ignores them, they go away. Sooner or later. I've also heard that laughing with them and joining in on the joking can totally disarm them--it takes the wind out of their sails. Not that you'd have wanted to join them in dragging the Buddha's name through the mud. But that strategy can work. And I think that taking the high road and being polite to them when you run into them in the future is impeccable. But you don't need to go out of your way, just be cordial. (Really, it's best to not cling to the encounter after it's over, and display equanimity the next time you see them.In other words, practice non-attachment to the emotions you have about the incident.) And I don't think reasoning with them would work; they're functioning outside of reason, they don't care. They just want to get a reaction from you. Your final question: I think most of us are discreet about our spiritual tradition. Isn't there some sort of unspoken social rule about not discussing religion or politics, because those topics are sure to cause emotional reactions?

Jeffrey

This is comic relief:

Rapidly pull on the front of their shirt suddenly to pull them towards you. Meet their forehead with your forehead.

Head butt!

Or....

Unexpected karate chop to windpipe

Arjquad

What I do when someone annoys me, mostly while driving is when they cut me off or annoy me I just smile and wave while they flick me off. It completely throws them off guard.

aMatt

Lately, I've turned to Buddhism and by disclosing it to some co-workers, two of them started mocking me and dragging the Buddha's name to dirt. I ignored them as I always do with bullies. Then I treated them fairly and never mentioned it again, but I don't know if it was right... I mean, one of them was ashamed, but neither apologized. I don't think they learned much or gained any significant amount of respect for me. I quit later on, and never saw them again.

You seem to be staying on their side of the street here, their lessons, their opinions, their actions. Consider looking at your mind and sticking with that... practice relating to your own mind. How did you feel when they said those things? How did your mind respond? Why is there a drive to do something with it?

We keep our attention on what we're experiencing, because bullies and admirers will rise and fall in our sight. As we stay alert, we can relate to both of them with equanimity and wisdom in the moment it happens.

Spaceless

According to Buddhism teachings, it's the wisdom to maintain everlasting true compassionate loving sincere heart on your part. :clap: Emptiness, nothing worth contending because there is nothing in disharmony

lotuspadma

@compassionate_warrior: No, I'm in Brazil. We are too involved in each other's lives in here. I guess I did wear Buddhism on my sleeve while working there, but the reason I disclosed it was because we were talking about reencarnation, so I said I believed in reBIRTH, and it went on. Just love teaching people stuff (as if I know a lot... lol). Well, lesson learned, religion should be private! Oh, and I was worried about being harsh because I didn't want to make them angry and dislike me more. But, yeah, assertiveness is the wiser route to take. About complaining to HR, and I didn't want to get them into trouble for their childish behavior, so I didn't tell on them. They could get fired.

@everyone: I would just like to say that this has been great! Really helpful responses, thanks guys! May you all be well and happy.

NOTaGangsta

Smash them with the Arhat fist style!

Floating_Abu

Lately, I've turned to Buddhism and by disclosing it to some co-workers, two of them started mocking me and dragging the Buddha's name to dirt. I ignored them as I always do with bullies. Then I treated them fairly and never mentioned it again, but I don't know if it was right... I mean, one of them was ashamed, but neither apologized. I don't think they learned much or gained any significant amount of respect for me. I quit later on, and never saw them again.

I've been having some questions in my mind ever since:

Is ignoring really the best way to react to the bullying? Is it harsh to walk away while they're "talking" to you?

Laughing with them, saying kind things, saying harsh things, trying to reason with them. Are any of these options wise?

Is it best to continue ignoring them afterwards or to try and be nice to them?

Should I keep my religion a secret?

Thank you for your attention.

Hi Lotus

I think it can be fine to keep your own practice to yourself until you are stronger within the practice. Once this happens, you can choose to reveal Buddhism or not (according to circumstances and need) for it already lives within you. For now it is your practice and your discipline and we all know the world has its fair share of clowns so pragmatism can be sometimes useful IMO.

Best wishes,
Abu

compassionate_warrior

the reason I disclosed it was because we were talking about reencarnation, so I said I believed in reBIRTH, and it went on.

This is interesting. What did they say about reincarnation? I keep running into references here and there that reincarnation was part of Jewish and early Christian belief until around 300AD.

seeker242

The same way that Gandhi overthrew the entire British government and liberated India from oppressive British rule via Ahimsa. Those British bullies! But not only Ahimsa in actions but also words and thoughts. The way he dealt with that situation is a very good example of how to deal with confrontations in general, in a proper manner. As far as specifics, I think it would depend heavily on the individual situation. You can never go wrong by being nice IMO.

Dakini

Gandhi was a master of "skillful means", though, wasn't he? For most of us schlumps just trying to get through a day or a week, it's a bit different. But yes, ahimsa is a great guiding principle.

lotuspadma

@compassionate_warrior The majority of Brazilians believe in reincarnation in the Spiritist sense, which basically says that you will always be you, but your soul or something, will enter different bodies and this process will continue until you reach spiritual perfection. One of the people I was talking to, was the mother of a pre-teen boy and she was wondering if her dead father's soul was in her son's body. This began the whole thing. So I told them I think there's nothing that moves from one existence to another, we just carry our karma. (Note: This may be nonsense, I'm no expert). They (she and a guy) were very impressed and excited to learn about Buddhist beliefs so I said a lot of things. I never expected this would backfire...

compassionate_warrior

One of the people I was talking to, was the mother of a pre-teen boy and she was wondering if her dead father's soul was in her son's body.

Some Native Americans believe the grandparents are sometimes reborn in the grandchildren.

And FYI, whether or not something carries over to a new rebirth is highly debatable in Buddhism, and depends, in part, on which Buddhist tradition one follows. The Tibetans believe in reincarnation, not just rebirth. But we don't need to start a debate on rebirth. There have already been many of those here, you can look them up if you're interested.

texashermit

Laughing with them, saying kind things, saying harsh things, trying to reason with them. Are any of these options wise?

There isn't a magic formula to follow. In my experience skillful means is required to gauge what is going on even more than the application of one's tactics (right speech; right action; right view).

Most bullies--without knowing it because of their delusion--are "testing" your capacity for compassion and your level of wisdom out of their own lack of inner life satisfaction (dukkha). They cope with their small lives by going on the attack. If they are successful in getting a reaction out of you, then they receive momentary joy from it, along with a false validation that you are as pitiful as they are. So many people in office locations are filled with classic "schadenfreude," which is the secret joy some people take in the failures of others around them. Unfortunately, schadenfreude is the oil that greases the wheels of a toxic work culture. If it is commonplace, it is best to find a better company to work for.

I think the approach you took is usually the best one. Be kind to people (not NICE...but kind--a big difference). At the same time, it is a good idea to correct wrong views if bullies say things about Buddhism they know nothing about. There was a Christian recently who was sending me links about the trafficking of children in Thailand, claiming that the Buddhist Monks either supported such activities and/or turned a blind eye to them, and therefore I am following a religion of Satan (etc. etc.). When people do things like this, it is important to explain to them what Buddhism actually teaches and what it doesn't. It is important for us to be active in our practice and to study the suttas and spend time together in sangha fellowship. Meditation and dhamma talks are fruitful preparation for facing the bully inside our own skulls, and if you can get past that combat, taking on some snarky fools at the water cooler is a piece of cake. :- )

seeker242

Gandhi was a master of "skillful means", though, wasn't he? For most of us schlumps just trying to get through a day or a week, it's a bit different. But yes, ahimsa is a great guiding principle.

I personally believe that everyone can become a master of skillful means. People underestimate their potential. They even go so far as to say things like "Well, I probably won't get enlightenment and will probably always have some suffering, etc, etc." Such nonsense!

Dakini

I personally believe that everyone can become a master of skillful means.

I think you're right, seeker, but it takes effort. I think it's important to recognize when one might be possibly in over one's head, rather than being over-confident. Skillful means is an acquired skill.