Dealing with terrible people

Takuan

Hello all,

You ever feel like someone has it out for you? Kinda like they go out of their way to make your life difficult. You don't know why this person hates you. You haven't done anything to them, yet they feel inclined to make your life hard. What do you do?

Takuan

I should mention that I am not in such a situation. A friend of mine, however, is, and she really doesn't know how to deal with this individual.

aclark24

Takuan,

I live with two of those types of people. One is my step - mother who loves to make my life as miserable as possible, the other is a younger step - brother who I think could have narcissistic personality disorder. :eek:

Here's some of the things I do:

- Realizing happiness comes from within, not from outside. Strive to be happy no matter what the circumstances.

- Protect yourself, energetically, from the other person. Envision a shield of armor, or an aura of green and pink (as I commonly do - healing and love).

- Stay away as much as possible. Don't be afraid to be yourself. Kill them with love. And when you need to, laugh at how ridiculous it all is.

- Realize as well; harm from others is simply meant to bring us down. The other person is in turmoil emotionally, angry/hurt/confused, and they want the satisfaction of seeing us in the same state. Don't give them that satisfaction!

Lastly: Tell your friend she is far from alone.

Spaceless

I should mention that I am not in such a situation. A friend of mine, however, is, and she really doesn't know how to deal with this individual.

She needs your presence and listening heart to cushion the stalker with negative intent living in hallucination. A suggestion for consideration to handle hallucinated behaviour required self-enacting like in a hallucination of super dooper joys. She must not have any slightest feel that there is such negative stalker out there to cause harm, in other word, mentally transformed the stalker into super joys haha. This is not a long term fruitful solution. Most importantly, to recite the name of Goddess of Mercy or Guan Shi Yin Pu Sa as and when free, keep a routine practice an hour or two every morning and night. This recitation will gradually stimulates inherent peace and bliss of all beings or enlightenment. Om

NamelessRiver

"You ever feel like someone has it out for you? Kinda like they go out of their way to make your life difficult. You don't know why this person hates you. You haven't done anything to them, yet they feel inclined to make your life hard. What do you do?"

I have been there. I still hate this person's guts to be honest. To me the only thing that worked was to keep my distance.

I tried the whole "the person is not all evil" \"I can't be angry at fire for burning"\"anger only hurts me"\"loving-kindness meditations" with almost no avail. What helped was to notice what was that this person was bringing up in me that made me feel bad and question it. It worked somewhat like this:

Nasty person says: "You're ugly!"
Afterwards you think: "Hold on a second. Why am I so pissed off? Was that true, am I ugly(or do I see myself as ugly)?". And then you deal with your notion of ugliness, and whether or not you are ugly.

If you are not what the person said, then more power to you. If you are, you can either recognize you messed up (when the person accused you of being rude and it was true, for example), or find a way to deal with it. Maybe you can fix it, maybe you can't. Even if you cannot, is it such a big deal? That way you feel less hurt and at least grow and learn from it.

CosmicGypsy

Some people I think are just not right, pathologically. They get off on hurting others. I've only had experience with 2 people who were like this, and I despise them both. I'm unable to bring myself to sympathise with either.

footiam

Maybe we should just take pride in not being that type of people.

compassionate_warrior

- Protect yourself, energetically, from the other person. Envision a shield of armor, or an aura of green and pink (as I commonly do - healing and love).

- Stay away as much as possible. Don't be afraid to be yourself. Kill them with love. And when you need to, laugh at how ridiculous it all is.

- Realize as well; harm from others is simply meant to bring us down. The other person is in turmoil emotionally, angry/hurt/confused,

All good comments, but these especially. And as CosmicGypsy said, cases like this usually involve people who are emotionally disturbed on some level. Very important to avoid them, they can be unpredictable. Some are just plain unhappy with their lives, and feel like they have to harass others. Killing them with kindness can work, but my observation is that that works only in mild cases. Kindness can backfire. Often this type of person has very poor boundaries, and needs to have boundaries imposed. If the situation allows for a complaint procedure (an employee at a business your friend patronizes, for example), she should lodge a complaint. If it's a true stalking situation, many states have stalking laws, and you can contact the police for support. They may advise keeping a log of incidents. If it's just more garden-variety jealousy/envy, resentment, or unidentifiable motive but isn't threatening or creepy, avoid, and when that isn't possible, observe the person carefully to pick up clues as to what their problem may be, so you can better gauge what the most appropriate action would be. Some people advocate confronting the person in a nice way: "So-and-so, I get the feeling sometimes that you're upset with me. Is something wrong?" (In my experience the person goes into denial and avoids responding, but some people tell me this approach can work.) Is your friend's harasser male? Maybe unrequited love and resentment are at the root of it.

In the final analysis, only your friend can gauge how serious the situation is, and what the best way is to deal with it. I think situations like this come up for most people, sooner or later. I've never heard Buddhism acknowledge that there can be seemingly random acts of hostility in life. Usually we're told that if we're kind, we'll reap the rewards, we'll be happy. But life is far from that simple.

Phoenix

*sigh*
Sometimes ignoring people is the only way to stop their behavior. Some people feed off our negative emotions.

I could give you some psychobabble about how they didn't get enough attention from their parents or that they're going through some internal conflict deep down that they can't express properly - but the truth of the matter is that some people are just jerks. It's best not to beat yourself up over it.

Surprise, surprise, not EVERYONE gets along.

BuckyG

So many books have been written on this I don't even know where to start, "When I Say No, I Feel Guilty," "How to Deal With Really Nasty People," "Getting To Yes...." Try searching searching these titles and titles like them and then follow that trail.... You'll get lots of advice. And, of course/As PER USUAL, it depends on the people and the situation.
b@eze
bg

compassionate_warrior

Very helpful, Bucky. I've never heard of those titles. They should be required reading at some point, early in life.

Takuan

Thank you all for the information. It really is a strange situation. Honestly, I just don't get how one person could be so mean. It's a whole different kind of crazy. lol My friend and I were joking about it today.

compassionate_warrior

Clearly this is someone in pain, Takuan. I hope your friend is able to resolve it effectively.

BuckyG

Did those titles lead to anything helpful?
b@eze
bg

compassionate_warrior

I tried to look up "How to deal with really nasty people" on Amazon, and it doesn't exist. but there's an internet site with a page by that title.

BuckyG

probably out of print/or i remembered wrong...might be the same folks who do the site...pm me or bug me here and i'll dig up some more titles (i hold an MS in conflict resolution [no, not from an online university, either LOL], so this is kind of my thing)
plezeB@eze
Bucky

Liesel

As Nameless River and aclark I have been there as well and I agree with the above posts: keep a distance. I tried first to be nice to that person (mother of my friend) because it was obvious how miserable this person is but they suck you in with there negativity. After each encounter with her, there was anger, than upset that I was angry, upset when I saw that my anger makes me more miserable, than upset because Metta and Uppekkha were out of the window, reproach that I am not a good meditator, that the Buddha teaches loving kindness to all even those you insult you for no reason. It was so unhealthy. I couldn't keep a physical distance, so I sarted to treat her like air. Not out of anger, but to protect me and her from all these unwholesome mental states. From this mental/emotional distance I was able to have compassion for her. Metta to your friend, Takuan, not easy....

Takuan

Did those titles lead to anything helpful?
b@eze
bg

I haven't had the chance to search amazon just yet, but I've relayed the information on this thread to her.

tess

I am sorry for my ignorance but

did not Buddha say that we should welcome those people for the reason that they give us a chance to develop our compassion and tolerance?

Anybody knows exact quote?

compassionate_warrior

The idea is that everyone, including our enemies, is our potential teacher. But still, some people need to be handled "skillfully". One can still learn, while handling someone appropriately to their personality and the situation. Sometimes guidance needs to be sought to acquire the skillful means.

federica

@ tess:

He also told us not to consort with fools.
The Dhammapada is the source of that little gem of wisdom.

shanyin

Just read the OP, and.. I've had a person trying to make me miserable and decided not to avoid him.

Avoid them. Maybe the person will figure out why.

Dakini

Just read the OP, and.. I've had a person trying to make me miserable and decided not to avoid him.

How did this work out, shanyin? Did it resolve anything, or just make it worse, or no change? We can learn from others' experience. Of course, every situation is different...

BuckyG

Greetings Again Takuan:
SOME people, when AVOIDED, will annoy you more. SOME will bother you less or give up altogether. Not all "terrible" people are the same. SOME "nasty" people, when APPROACHED, will annoy you more; SOME will bother you less or give up. That's A LOT of options and I've only covered ONE PERSON. Now add yourself PLUS the situation, and what you have is a very COMPLEX PROBLEM with no easy solutions. However, if you proceed along the lines of the above, you'll be able to untangle the knot much easier.

Also, through experience, I've learned that when I want to avoid someone I (especially if I care for/cared for them), part of my resistance to cutting them off is that it WILL BE A LOSS FOR ME TOO! Most people do not want to make others miserable, they just want to be happy (there are exceptions among the truly mentally ill).

Interpersonal conflict are opportunities for us to exercise the wisdom and virtue we develop through practice, and by practice I mean (among other things) introspective discernment.

compassionate_warrior

So much depends on the nature of the case, as I covered in my first post, above. We don't know much about the case presented. And yes, people can be emotionally disturbed by nature, and would be best avoided. Some people are unpredictable i their reactions. I think we've pretty well covered this subject. And those books/websites will go into more depth than we can here.

BuckyG

And those books/websites will go into more depth than we can here.

very likely

:zombie:

Malachy12

Nasty person says: "You're ugly!"
Afterwards you think: "Hold on a second. Why am I so pissed off? Was that true, am I ugly(or do I see myself as ugly)?". And then you deal with your notion of ugliness, and whether or not you are ugly.

If you are not what the person said, then more power to you. If you are, you can either recognize you messed up (when the person accused you of being rude and it was true, for example), or find a way to deal with it. Maybe you can fix it, maybe you can't. Even if you cannot, is it such a big deal? That way you feel less hurt and at least grow and learn from it.

Very good advice! I think it almost always comes down to this. Someone only has the power to hurt you with your permission. So if they managed to hurt you... it's because they usually hit on a personal insecurity, or they challenged your pride. (Or in the case of crappy co-workers... they just make your job more difficult than it needs to be.)

Dakini

Nonetheless, strange, irrational things can happen. Complete strangers can fixate on you for no apparent reason, and weirdness can start. That's some of the trickier stuff to deal with. Name-calling, I suspect, is the least of Takuan's friend's worries.

tess

Take it from the old goat like me,


All the friendly people, good fortune had made me very happy. However, not in peace with myself and more arrogant.

All the ‘ba***’ in my life and misfortunate were unpleasant but have helped me to advance and have made me a better and even happier person, in the end.

I did not need Buddha teaching to realize this.

:coffee:

However, knowing that this confusion is acknowledged in his teachings has made me :bowdown: to his wisdom.

Julia

Some suggestions from me:
# Don't force yourselves to be compassionate if you are burning inside. Try to be honest instead and confront the person. Don't play games.
# Avoid the person if you can.
# Analyze your own reactions and confront the demons inside you. Why do you listen and react to what the person say...
# Remind yourselves that the person is very insecure and feels stronger when behaving badly against you.
# Just try to see the situation with humour, that makes you stronger and not an easy target.

BuckyG

I love Malachy12's, Dakini's, Tess' & Julia's wise additions to this thread! Dakini's comment made me want to add that if you think STALKING STATUTES are being violated, the books I suggested are not the way to go...am I stating the obvious? :buck:

Buddhism is NEVER about being a victim. If it feels stupid, or wrong, it probably is. Even just a little bit of meditation and/or reflection should clarify this. It helps you tune into your intuition better, so you can more skillfully utilize the "gut sense" to protect yourself and those in need of protection.

b@eze

compassionate_warrior

Yes. I think that point bears repeating. Those books aren't for dealing with people who are truly emotionally or mentally "off". I imagine they're for your more garden-variety egotist, or immature, envious, or otherwise unhappy person who is acting out. And many (most? all?) states these days have stalking laws and procedures, as I said before, you can contact the police, and they'll help. But Takuan didn't mention stalking.

BuckyG

I promise I did not go looking for this talk by Ajaan Geoff (Thanissaro Bhikkhu) on METTA, but when I listened to it I knew just who to share it with.
http://www.audiodharma.org/talks/audio_player/2409.htmlhttp://www.audiodharma.org/talks/audio_player/2409.html
:buck:

santhisouk

when we meet a terrible person we should think: This person, however terrible they are, may they one day find true happiness. May they one day be released from suffering.

BuckyG

Greetings:
There's so much in this Ajaan Geoff (Thanissaro Bhikkhu) talk on ANGER relevant to this thread I don't know where to start!

http://dharmaseed.org/teacher/179/talk/5976/

Enjoy!
bucky