What is the origin of low self esteem?

person

What do people understand to be the source of this? This was a new concept to Tibetan teachers coming to the west, so this seems to be primarily a western phenomena in origin. I wonder what some of the teachers from other traditons have to say about this.

Here's a funny story from Yongey Mingyur Rinpoche about trying to understandin what low self esteem is.

Ric

I definitely dont think this is a problem just in the west. I think it is a problem of modern societies and big cities. We are constantly seeing what we could/want to be yet we are not and that can turn into low self-esteem. Add in certain aspects of TV culture where if you look at a music video today its just an aggregate of 3 second angles where the person looks amazing and completely unrealistic.

I also dont believe the guy developed low self-esteem in a few weeks, just by the fact he believes he did tells me he doesnt know what it is.

SherabDorje

It's simply a product of the messages given to the child by the parents, family, childhood mates, and/or the culture. Giving a child such negative messages about him/herself is simply not done in traditional Tibetan culture, which is why low self-esteem seems so foreign to Tibetans. Children should be cherished and treated with respect and in ways that enhance self-esteem, and that's what traditional Tibetans do.

Why is this in "Buddhism for Beginners"?

federica

Moved.

yet again.

Listen - we removed "Buddhism for beginners" as the default forum, to enable people to make a more considered choice about where they should best post threads.
People are still using Buddhism for beginners as a dumping ground for any old thread and any old topic.
Would people PLEASE post mindfully!

Cinorjer

All right, would you like a criticism of the entire "Self Esteem" movement in the West? There are plenty of Psychologists who see this fascination with making sure people feel good about themselves, no matter what, as useless at best and destructive in the worst applications. You want one example? I watched my grandson play a kid's league soccer game where they were not allowed to keep score. They just kicked the ball back and forth for a set amount of time. Keeping score might hurt the losing side's "self esteem". Of course, when I asked my grandson, he knew exactly how many goals each side had scored. They just are told actually keeping score and wanting to be on the winning side is bad.

By turning the quest not to hurt someone's feelings into a religion, well-meaning educators are producing a generation that doesn't know how to deal with failure or criticism. By praising people for doing nothing, we get people who expect reward without earning it. The real world doesn't work that way. These people have problems in any competetive environment, like work or college or real sports. You better believe people expect criticism for not meeting goals after you escape the cocoon of home and grade school, hurt feelings or not.

The problem is that false high self esteem is as bad as false low self esteem. True feelings of self worth come from a person's character and accomplishments. One of life's lessons is learning how to handle criticism, how to appreciate the accomplishments of people who do better than you, and even how to lose gracefully.

The poor Tibetan is used to a society where people are criticized when they don't do something correctly, and expected to do better to earn praise. No wonder he has a problem with the crazy Western way of dealing with each other.

compassionate_warrior

It's simply a product of the messages given to the child by the parents, family, childhood mates, and/or the culture. Giving a child such negative messages about him/herself is simply not done in traditional Tibetan culture, which is why low self-esteem seems so foreign to Tibetans. Children should be cherished and treated with respect and in ways that enhance self-esteem, and that's what traditional Tibetans do.

Bingo, SherabDorje! Low self-esteem comes from parents emotionally abandoning their children, or criticizing them unjustly, or being emotionally of physically abusive. Actually, we don't know for sure that this didn't happen in some Tibetan families, though it doesn't seem to have been as widespread as in the West. There was alcoholism in Tibet even before the Chinese began distributing alcohol for free, or virtually free. So that must have caused problems for kids. And though I've known some wonderful Tibetans, I've known some that, well, let's just say...aren't so wonderful. But I do tend to think that the West has a high percentage of dysfunctional families, compared to many cultures. But maybe it just seems that way, because we know the West much more intimately. ....?

Dakini

I've been wondering myself about Tibetans' relationship to their kids, and what the reality is there. Low self-esteem may no be much of a problem, but excessive ego seems to be. Ever wonder why there's SO much emphasis in the teachings on compassion, on overcoming jealousy and hatred, on creating sympathetic joy in place of resentment? Compassion, sympathetic joy seem to come naturally to a lot of Westerners, and I just don't run into jealousy or hatred much, either. I think this focus is a reflection of the population the teachings evolved to serve. Different cultures produce different pathologies. Arrogance is rampant among the Tibetan elite, but that may be a function of power corrupting. Some Tibetans are very kind, others harbor resentments or jealousies for years over trivial things. Where does this come from? I think the Tibetan picture is much more complex than Tibetans would like to admit. Heck, it's only human to want to put the best foot forward, and hide the dirty laundry.

This is not to defend the West, not at all. IMO, the West is inheritor to an Anglo-Germanic tendency to be reserved and not display emotions, and to a tendency toward harsh authoritarianism. It wasn't that long ago that parents believed that to "spare the rod" was to "spoil the child". And parents were instructed to let their babies cry rather than attend to them on demand. The baby was supposed to adapt to the feeding schedule, not the other way around. The West has defended some pretty barbaric childrearing practices until the 1960's when things started to change.

TreeLuvr87

I think that part of it could be Truly Knowing the concept of nonself, but not being taught the concept or helped to understand it. Kind of always having a feeling of being "off."

Cinorjer

In my visiting and staying with Korean families, do you want to know the biggest difference between how Western and Eastern families raise their children?

Eastern families sit on the floor.

Stop and think about the difference this makes to the children. The adults are on their level, interacting with them, not perched up on chairs that are over a child's head. Children were an accepted part of being in a home. Instead of having to tug on an adult's pants leg and getting brushed off, the child just walks up to you and you're forced to pay them attention.

When I sat down to visit a Korean family, the children in the room were crawling onto laps and looking you in the eye, especially mine. They were fascinated by the unusual looking stranger. You couldn't ignore them if you tried, unlike a Western house. If you needed privacy, the mother would gather them up and move them into a different room or outside, but they all grow up with a level of interaction unknown to the best Western household.

Dakini

The difference is not only that Koreans sit on the floor, making the adults more accessible to the kids. In the West, parents simply weren't as demonstrative with affection, and not as warmly physical with kids. That's hopefully changed a bit now, but when I hear from our younger members, I'm not so sure. Kids weren't supposed to "get in the way" and demand adult attention so much. Totally different mindset. Kids got brushed off because they weren't supposed to pester adults, not supposed to make "nuisances" of themselves. It was a colder culture. The adult world and the children's world were separate to a greater extent than in the East, or in the developing world.

Jeffrey

Low self esteem need not be caused by keeping soccer goals. More often than not the 'good' players are exclusive even sometimes cruel. The coaches who are coaching a meaningless kids game play the poorest players the minimum amount of time. Among 8 year olds!

Then in highschool I do understand letting the most talented play, but its important to field JV and freshman teams, of course we are balancing the budget by having rich kids segregated from the poor kids stuck in public schools.

My teamates were so cruel to a fat kid on my soccer team that when he was running they ran up to him and literally kicked him on his rear and called him fatty.

In contrast I played with some Turkish guys and one of the players was absolutely terrible. I was the second worst being an american and this players comment to me was that we made the others feel like they were really good A positive attitude fostered by fellowship with the others.

Ridiculing less talented people is never a good thing. It is unprofessional in a work environment. At the same time pouting due to others expressing displeasure is equally negative. Both parties are trying their best for a good result but often a lack of cooperation, empathy, and communications.