Help with tough personality

sndymorn

A relative of mine is very difficult to deal with. He is my father-in- law.
Though he is accomplished and upstanding( a "great man" in most people's estimation) in the public arena, he is also peevish, short tempered and argumentative.
His , I am sure, massive IQ, allows him to bully , at will , those he chooses to overwhelm. His daughter, my wife, takes the brunt of his moods which worsen as he ages.
I have , especially lately ( the last four or five years) chosen to avoid his company as much as possible. I appear at events, greet him, and dissolve into the background to more pleasant company.
I feel, in some ways , that I have abandoned my wife to him: left her alone to face him. She is an only child and her father ( as you might imagine) is alone in this world. My wife will never abandon him.
I give my love an ear when she needs it but am loathe to re-engage this difficult, "great" man.

compassionate_warrior

This brings up a point that I've always disagreed with in the past, maybe others can share some insight. So often people have said to me, when a brilliantly creative person behaves abusively, that "that's the way geniuses are", as if having a high IQ gives one a free pass from polite and considerate behavior. What's up with that? :shake:

vinlyn

This brings up a point that I've always disagreed with in the past, maybe others can share some insight. So often people have said to me, when a brilliantly creative person behaves abusively, that "that's the way geniuses are", as if having a high IQ gives one a free pass from polite and considerate behavior. What's up with that? :shake:

I don't know about geniuses, but in my time as a school principal, one of my failures was that I didn't stop a very few teachers from behaving badly toward other staff. I did talk to one reading teacher about it, and her response was, "That's just the way I am and other people have to put up with it." I should not have allowed it for the sake of all the other teachers. Bad karma for that teacher, and bad karma for me.

Mountains

His IQ doesn't allow him to do anything. His ego does. There are plenty of people with very high IQs (whatever that means) who are kind and considerate of others. Just as there are lots of really dumb people who are like your father-in-law.

sndymorn

His IQ doesn't allow him to do anything. His ego does. There are plenty of people with very high IQs (whatever that means) who are kind and considerate of others. Just as there are lots of really dumb people who are like your father-in-law.

What I mean is he is clever, sophisticated, well educated and glib. He uses all these to dominate people.

sndymorn

You know, to clarify, I am concerned with how I have, in some sense , abandoned my wife to him. I no longer interact with him. She visits him alone. When he comes over I often create something to do or, after saying hello, disappear.
I do not feel good about my actions in this regard but have given this guy twenty years. I , in the last five years, have backed away but do not think it is necessarily skillful as my wife must ( she is very kind) remain in his cross hairs.

person

Does your wife suffer from his attitude? Maybe you can just focus on giving her some emotional support (not that you don't) after he leaves, that way you can feel somewhat helpful without being sucked in yourself.

SherabDorje

Does your wife suffer from his attitude? Maybe you can just focus on giving her some emotional support (not that you don't) after he leaves, that way you can feel somewhat helpful without being sucked in yourself.

I would ask the same thing. Does she complain about it at all, appear to be overly distressed by it, or seem to object to your absence under these circumstances? Maybe she's just being understanding of your needs.

Why don't you just talk with your wife about it?

Mountains

I'm not sure it's unskillful to avoid dealing with someone who seems bent on dominating you and not respecting you. It's unlikely he's going to change, and if you can just deal with him as little as possible, while still trying to maintain civility and compassion (and good family relations), then there's nothing wrong with that. If you talk to your wife about it and make her understand how you feel, she'll probably be sympathetic. Surely she sees how her father is. Many of us have fathers who are like this to some degree or other. I know I do. But I've learned (very slowly) that I'm not going to change him, and he doesn't want to change himself, so I just interact as much as I have to and go on from there. Not to put too fine a point on it, but ultimately it's his problem to deal with, not yours.

kayte

@sndymorn- Your father-in-law sounds like he has a behavior disorder. I'm no authority on the subject, but I find that people either treat others badly because they lack awareness, were taught bad behavior, or they get some gratification from behaving badly. Does his behavior bother your wife? Does she have coping techniques that allow her to tolerate him? Does she seek his approval? This is between the two of them and I'm not sure what you can do to resolve the situation. It's really up to you wife. She has either accepted him as he is or she is unwilling to confront him about it. She could have walked away at any time but still stays in contact with him. I don't want to pry into your business. Maybe she knows that he has few, if any, people in his life. How does the relationship affect her?

sndymorn

@sndymorn- Your father-in-law sounds like he has a behavior disorder. I'm no authority on the subject, but I find that people either treat others badly because they lack awareness, were taught bad behavior, or they get some gratification from behaving badly. Does his behavior bother your wife? Does she have coping techniques that allow her to tolerate him? Does she seek his approval? This is between the two of them and I'm not sure what you can do to resolve the situation. It's really up to you wife. She has either accepted him as he is or she is unwilling to confront him about it. She could have walked away at any time but still stays in contact with him. I don't want to pry into your business. Maybe she knows that he has few, if any, people in his life. How does the relationship affect her?

Thank you for asking. My wife is often frustrated, defeated and sad by the way he treats her. It has been the same as long as I have known her. The biblical dictate to "honor" is strong with her. Further, he is now pushing eighty and alone. She is a very compassionate (perhaps the most I have ever known) person. If he needs her( if anyone needs her for that matter) she will do what she can.
A part of me wants to re-engage this man to deflect some of the pressure off my wife . The other part likes all the free time and peace of mind I have not catering to him. I am , as with all things, a sounding board for my wife , but , as the old grump ages I anticipate he will get worse and not better.
Further, let me state : he is generous, and accomplished -a model citizen in every way except these most intimate relationships.

compassionate_warrior

Sandy, is there an option to have a qualified home care person come in, so the full burden isn't on your wife? It sounds like you and she should discuss a) how she feels about the situation and b) how you feel about him and "abandoning" her to him. A good heart-to-heart talk, and then consider possible options. This could bring you two closer together, and also (with luck) help relieve her of some of the time she feels she has to spend (endure) with him.

kayte

Thank you for asking. My wife is often frustrated, defeated and sad by the way he treats her. It has been the same as long as I have known her. The biblical dictate to "honor" is strong with her. Further, he is now pushing eighty and alone. She is a very compassionate (perhaps the most I have ever known) person. If he needs her( if anyone needs her for that matter) she will do what she can.
A part of me wants to re-engage this man to deflect some of the pressure off my wife . The other part likes all the free time and peace of mind I have not catering to him. I am , as with all things, a sounding board for my wife , but , as the old grump ages I anticipate he will get worse and not better.
Further, let me state : he is generous, and accomplished -a model citizen in every way except these most intimate relationships.

I'm sorry to hear this. What a waste of opportunity on his part. Your wife sounds like a lovely woman and he fails to see it. This reminds me of a situation very close to home for me. The offensive person may never understand or even acknowledge their cruelty. Oftentimes, they feel "entitled" to abuse those closest to them. I find that particular commandment flawed. Honor and respect have to be earned. Guilt is a powerful tool.

You're probably right- he will get worse as time goes on. He's had a lifetime to wire his brain in that pattern. He's not going to change now- not without a miracle. As CW suggested above- you and your wife should discuss future arrangements for his care. I take it that he's still at home. They have excellent home health aids who provide whatever amount of care needed. You might be able to hire someone for some part time care for starters. He'll have to learn how to relate to someone else and they're trained to deal with difficult patients. Good luck to you both.

sndymorn

You know Kayte, it is a lesson to me in that way. He is wasting an opportunity to be loved. I realize that more as I peruse this site and learn what I can here.
You know, I have a cat which might bite you as soon as rub against you in an affectionate manner. I let this animal get away with it...

kayte

You know Kayte, it is a lesson to me in that way. He is wasting an opportunity to be loved. I realize that more as I peruse this site and learn what I can here.
You know, I have a cat which might bite you as soon as rub against you in an affectionate manner. I let this animal get away with it...

I think lessons present themselves all the time if we set aside our emotions and pay attention. Your wife may have become the wonderful person she is because of this experience. If she were pampered and spoiled by her father, you might not have fallen in love with her.

I know what you mean about cats. I saved a 2 day old kitten- fed her, washed her, kept her warm, etc. Just like a new born baby. My husband held her when I was at work and she bonded with him. She only shows me affection when she wants to and will hiss at me if she doesn't but loooooves my husband and follows him like a puppy. I still love her though.