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Anger
Anger & Conflict, Part 1
Hi everybody. I condensed and adapted the following from the "Managing Stress and Anger in Conflict" chapter of Tjosvold & Johnson's classic book Productive Conflict Management. I've found them to be extremely helpful and offer them for your reflection.
Part 2 will include the specific set of skills needed when directly expressing anger to another person, assertiveness and aggressiveness, managing feelings, and managing stress through support systems.:buck:
Constructive Anger Management Steps:
1) Recognize and acknowledge you're angry. Anger and aggressions are not the same thing.
You can express anger without being aggressive.
2) Decide whether to express anger. It's usually better to deal with issues and provocations
when they arise and when you feel angry, not after weeks of being upset.
3) Have alternative ways of responding to provocations other than anger or depression.
Sometimes the best thing to do is NOT get angry when most people would expect or even
want you to.
4) Express anger directly at an appropriate times and with the appropriate communication.
Anger can convey your commitments and which commitments must be respected.
Expressing anger can clear the air so positive feelings can again be felt and expressed.
Repeated avoidance of anger expression leads some to believe you don't care. There are,
however, important guidelines to keep in mind when expressing anger:
a) Make the expression cathartic. If you've expressed it correctly, you're unlikely to feel angry
afterwards.
b) Ask for clarification before responding in anger when someone has done something you
feel is aggressive or provocative. Don't assume aggression was intended.
c) Aim your expression at the appropriate person(s). Be as specific as possible. "When you
do such and such, I feel angry."
d) Understand that by expressing your anger you're taking responsibility for your feelings.
Remember that (1) you got angry at what happened, the other person did not "make" you
angry; and (2) you're willing to become more involved with the other person and the
situation as your anger becomes clarified.
e) Heightened anger makes you agitated and impulsive and antagonistic acts can escalate
conflict and get you into trouble. Your information processing capacity will also decrease
as your anger increases, making your analyses of what actions are needed somewhat
suspect.
d) Beware of the righteousness of your anger. In most situations it is not a matter of
punishing people you think have acted unjustly but rather ensuring a constructive
outcome of results. Don't attempt to prove you were right or you're morally superior; try to
solve the problem.
f) You can control and contain your anger by staying task oriented. This means staying
focused on what must be done in the situation to get the outcome you want. Taking
insults personally distracts you from your task and involves you in unnecessary conflict.
Don't let yourself get sidetracked or baited into a quarrel. Recognize what the other person
is doing, but don't be unduly provoked by it; rather, stay task-oriented and issue focused.
Viewing an incident like a personal affront is likely to result in discriminative, expressive, and
energizing anger.
g) Use accurate communication and constructive feedback skills. Make the statement of your
anger descriptive, accurate, to the point, and express it to the appropriate person. Keep in
touch with yourself and say it all. State the anger directly without being sarcastic. Use
honest, expressive language and avoid name-calling, accusations & put-downs.
h) Express positive feelings too. You may have genuine respect and liking or some other
positive emotion for the other person.
5) When direct expression is not appropriate, express it indirectly. Many times you won't be able
to give anger direct expression in a way that ends it. You don't want to stay angry forever.
Expressing and terminating anger usually involves the following:
a) Exercise.
b) Strongly express your anger in private. Curse, yell, swear at your boss, hit a punching bag,
shout, moan, throw things.
c) Resolve the situation in your mind or resign yourself to it. Tell yourself things to help this
process or resolution. Give up thoughts of revenge and getting even. You want to resolve
problems. You can put up with an unfair boss. An obnoxious co-worker is really not that
bad. Let the negative feelings go; do not hang on to them. They will only make your life
unpleasant.
Irritations and little frustrations, as well as larger angers, need direct or indirect expression. Small feelings, if they are kept inside and allowed to build up, become big feelings. You may explode in an overreaction someday if you store up all your little frustrations and annoyances. Do not nurse them.
6) Analyze, understand, and reflect upon your anger. Get to know yourself so that you recognize
(a) the events and behaviors that trigger your anger and (b) the internal signs of arousal that
signal you are becoming angry. You can control your anger. Know your own buttons so that
you can tell when someone else is pushing them. It's important for you to understand the
regularities of your anger patterns: when, in what circumstances, and with whom you become
angry. You can then plan how to avoid frustrating, anger-provoking situations. And you can
explicitly decide what you want, and plan in detail how to manage situations without getting
angry. As you become more and more sharply tuned to the signs of tension and distress
within, you'll achieve greater ability to short-circuit the anger process. You can train yourself to
use the initial flash of anger as a signal that anger is on the way and that, therefore, you may
need to switch to a more productive and suitable behavior pattern. Signs of internal arousal can be
altering signals that you are becoming upset and that skillful, effective action is called for if a positive
outcome is to result. Thus, you can learn to stop anger before it develops.
In further analysis you might focus on anger's defensiveness, its reactiveness to frustration or deprivation, and its righteousness. Anger often results from you believing that things are not going the way you want them to or that you are powerless to influence others. Remember, you gain power and influence when you keep calm and refuse to get angry. Since anger sometimes is due to doubting yourself or letting yourself feel threatened by someone else, it's important to remember that you're a worthwhile person and have many strengths and competencies. This can keep you from feeling angry. And you should always be aware of the righteousness of your anger. It can be blind.
7) Congratulate yourself when you succeed in managing your anger constructively. Feel good
about your success. Don't focus on mistakes and failings or on the nastiness of other people. Focus on your
ability to manage your anger constructively.:buck:
May all beings find the causes of true happiness within.
Hi everybody. I condensed and adapted the following from the "Managing Stress and Anger in Conflict" chapter of Tjosvold & Johnson's classic book Productive Conflict Management. I've found them to be extremely helpful and offer them for your reflection.
Part 2 will include the specific set of skills needed when directly expressing anger to another person, assertiveness and aggressiveness, managing feelings, and managing stress through support systems.:buck:
Constructive Anger Management Steps:
1) Recognize and acknowledge you're angry. Anger and aggressions are not the same thing.
You can express anger without being aggressive.
2) Decide whether to express anger. It's usually better to deal with issues and provocations
when they arise and when you feel angry, not after weeks of being upset.
3) Have alternative ways of responding to provocations other than anger or depression.
Sometimes the best thing to do is NOT get angry when most people would expect or even
want you to.
4) Express anger directly at an appropriate times and with the appropriate communication.
Anger can convey your commitments and which commitments must be respected.
Expressing anger can clear the air so positive feelings can again be felt and expressed.
Repeated avoidance of anger expression leads some to believe you don't care. There are,
however, important guidelines to keep in mind when expressing anger:
a) Make the expression cathartic. If you've expressed it correctly, you're unlikely to feel angry
afterwards.
b) Ask for clarification before responding in anger when someone has done something you
feel is aggressive or provocative. Don't assume aggression was intended.
c) Aim your expression at the appropriate person(s). Be as specific as possible. "When you
do such and such, I feel angry."
d) Understand that by expressing your anger you're taking responsibility for your feelings.
Remember that (1) you got angry at what happened, the other person did not "make" you
angry; and (2) you're willing to become more involved with the other person and the
situation as your anger becomes clarified.
e) Heightened anger makes you agitated and impulsive and antagonistic acts can escalate
conflict and get you into trouble. Your information processing capacity will also decrease
as your anger increases, making your analyses of what actions are needed somewhat
suspect.
d) Beware of the righteousness of your anger. In most situations it is not a matter of
punishing people you think have acted unjustly but rather ensuring a constructive
outcome of results. Don't attempt to prove you were right or you're morally superior; try to
solve the problem.
f) You can control and contain your anger by staying task oriented. This means staying
focused on what must be done in the situation to get the outcome you want. Taking
insults personally distracts you from your task and involves you in unnecessary conflict.
Don't let yourself get sidetracked or baited into a quarrel. Recognize what the other person
is doing, but don't be unduly provoked by it; rather, stay task-oriented and issue focused.
Viewing an incident like a personal affront is likely to result in discriminative, expressive, and
energizing anger.
g) Use accurate communication and constructive feedback skills. Make the statement of your
anger descriptive, accurate, to the point, and express it to the appropriate person. Keep in
touch with yourself and say it all. State the anger directly without being sarcastic. Use
honest, expressive language and avoid name-calling, accusations & put-downs.
h) Express positive feelings too. You may have genuine respect and liking or some other
positive emotion for the other person.
5) When direct expression is not appropriate, express it indirectly. Many times you won't be able
to give anger direct expression in a way that ends it. You don't want to stay angry forever.
Expressing and terminating anger usually involves the following:
a) Exercise.
b) Strongly express your anger in private. Curse, yell, swear at your boss, hit a punching bag,
shout, moan, throw things.
c) Resolve the situation in your mind or resign yourself to it. Tell yourself things to help this
process or resolution. Give up thoughts of revenge and getting even. You want to resolve
problems. You can put up with an unfair boss. An obnoxious co-worker is really not that
bad. Let the negative feelings go; do not hang on to them. They will only make your life
unpleasant.
Irritations and little frustrations, as well as larger angers, need direct or indirect expression. Small feelings, if they are kept inside and allowed to build up, become big feelings. You may explode in an overreaction someday if you store up all your little frustrations and annoyances. Do not nurse them.
6) Analyze, understand, and reflect upon your anger. Get to know yourself so that you recognize
(a) the events and behaviors that trigger your anger and (b) the internal signs of arousal that
signal you are becoming angry. You can control your anger. Know your own buttons so that
you can tell when someone else is pushing them. It's important for you to understand the
regularities of your anger patterns: when, in what circumstances, and with whom you become
angry. You can then plan how to avoid frustrating, anger-provoking situations. And you can
explicitly decide what you want, and plan in detail how to manage situations without getting
angry. As you become more and more sharply tuned to the signs of tension and distress
within, you'll achieve greater ability to short-circuit the anger process. You can train yourself to
use the initial flash of anger as a signal that anger is on the way and that, therefore, you may
need to switch to a more productive and suitable behavior pattern. Signs of internal arousal can be
altering signals that you are becoming upset and that skillful, effective action is called for if a positive
outcome is to result. Thus, you can learn to stop anger before it develops.
In further analysis you might focus on anger's defensiveness, its reactiveness to frustration or deprivation, and its righteousness. Anger often results from you believing that things are not going the way you want them to or that you are powerless to influence others. Remember, you gain power and influence when you keep calm and refuse to get angry. Since anger sometimes is due to doubting yourself or letting yourself feel threatened by someone else, it's important to remember that you're a worthwhile person and have many strengths and competencies. This can keep you from feeling angry. And you should always be aware of the righteousness of your anger. It can be blind.
7) Congratulate yourself when you succeed in managing your anger constructively. Feel good
about your success. Don't focus on mistakes and failings or on the nastiness of other people. Focus on your
ability to manage your anger constructively.:buck:
May all beings find the causes of true happiness within.
0
Comments
metta
He's right....
Why do you think that is?
:buck:
Jokes! I do find this thread useful :thumbsup: The tough part is remembering all that when anger actually does arise.
in other words - it all begins in our Minds.
I would call it ignorance (small 'i').
And besides, how - or why - did you make the leap from "Passive-aggressive" to someone speaking what sounds like gibberish in a foreign language?
Stick to the point.
(Given that broadly speaking, we all use English here to communicate.
The discussion here is Anger, and my point is that many Buddhists, in the guise of being compassionate and understanding, actually just behave in a P-A way.
Probably because that still operate from the stance of an agenda.
This has nothing to do with verbal misunderstanding or mis-communication.
The topic is, as I titled it, Anger & Conflict, meaning I'm directly on topic.
Who are these "passive-aggressive" Buddhists you refer to?
You haven't provided a behavioral definition of "passive-aggressive."
As the article states:
"Behavior descriptions: In describing provocative actions be skillful in observing what actually occurred and in letting others know what behavior you're responding to by describing it clearly and specifically. Describe visible evidence, behavior open to anyone's observation. Restrict yourself to talking about the actions of the other person. Use personal statements so that it is clear that you're taking ownership for your observations, but be factual, not insulting. Example: 'Jim, by my count you've just interrupted me for the third time." NOT, "Jim, you are really being rude,' which is negative labeling; or, 'Jim, you always want to be the center of attention,' which imputes an unworthy motive" (p. 205).
Source: Dean Tjosvold & David W. Johnson (1983). Productive Conflict Management: Perspectives for Organizations, Chapter 8: "Managing Stress and Anger in Conflict." :buck: