Compassion for others vs compassion for self (vis "confess your hidden faults meditation exercise")

theEisnotsilent

This morning I was working on a meditation exercise to "confess your hidden faults" and in doing it I realized a major roadblock, and was wondering if anyone had any tips for working through it. Basically I could feel the wincing caused by things I've done that I regret, and I could feel how that same suffering was shared by many other people, but when it came to breathing out and forgiving myself and letting go of that feeling I had an incredibly hard time. It was easy for me to forgive others for acting in agression, to feel empathy for that shenpa that caused that reaction, but I could not do the same for myself.

If anyone else has gone through this and wouldn't mind talking about it, that would be so helpful, I think I just need to have a new frame of perception to work through it, to become aware of which of my thoughts are shenpa.

Vincenzi

maybe you can listen to music so that you focus first on relaxing?

what's shenpa?

aMatt

Wincing is a great sign. My advice is to act with more general humility, recognizing neither yourself or others have a static self to be prideful.

When I wince at past shame, I notice that version of matt is long dead and laugh at how I've been dragging this stone behind me for no reason at all. Then I hug the embarassed and unskillful matt that just arose by pulling forward past karma. With a few repititions, the painful emotions of the initial moment release and the clinging is abandoned.

Mistakes are normal, they happen to us all!

DhammaDhatu

Basically I could feel the wincing caused by things I've done that I regret, and I could feel how that same suffering was shared by many other people...

hi

In instructing the cultivation of equinimity, the Buddha taught each human being is the heir to their actions. So those who consorted with you in harmful actions are responsible for the results accrued by them, just as you are responsible for the results accrued by you

Thus, IF YOU CHANGED AND CEASED THOSE ACTIONS because you realised those actions were unskiful and harmful then that is praiseworthy on your behalf.

But if others have not reconciled their karma with the Dharma, then that is their business and not yours.

It is a spiritual fallacy when we take upon ourselves the responsibilities of others and, at the same time, do not impart responsibility upon others.

We are behaving or believing as though we are "God" and the dictator/controller of the karma of others, which, of course, is delusion.

We are belittling others. We are actually not being compassionate towards others

The Buddha's attitude towards this matter is cleary exemplified in the quotes below. The Buddha was not interested in human beings hanging their past karma around their necks like some rotten stench and carrying their past karma on their backs like a heavy weight.

The Buddha was interested in human beings learning, changing and moving on.

Best wishes

"Yes, great king, a transgression overcame you in that you were so foolish, so muddle-headed, and so unskilled as to kill your father — a righteous man, a righteous king — for the sake of sovereign rulership. But because you see your transgression as such and make amends in accordance with the Dhamma, we accept your confession. For it is a cause of growth in the Dhamma & Discipline of the noble ones when, seeing a transgression as such, one makes amends in accordance with the Dhamma and exercises restraint in the future.

He who having been heedless is heedless no more, illuminates this world like the moon freed from clouds.

He, who by good deeds covers the evil he has done, illuminates this world like the moon freed from clouds.

aura

Wincing is a hard thing, I know!
But wincing is a good thing, I know, and I am grateful!
Wincing means that I have indeed made progress, and I have indeed learned better!
For those who have never made progress and never learned better...
never wince at all.

person

I do a mala of the 100 syllable Vajrasattva mantra every day along with a brief confessional prayer. A full mala takes about 20 minutes so you may only want to do a few. But I find this a helpful practice in overcoming regret and purifying obstacles to practice. In fact doing 100,000 of these mantras is one of the prerequistes for doing a 3 year retreat.

theEisnotsilent

what's shenpa?

Its a concept I learned from Pema Chödrön, which is really something she learned from her teacher Chögyam Trungpa Rinpoche. Basically its an alternate translation of attachment, that explains it as the deep basal feeling of "not ok" that arises inside of you, the root of habituation. Its this feeling that spawns all of those behaviors that block awareness, those desires of the mind to close us off from that place that seems frightening and full of pain.

I relate to this translation because when she describes it as that tightness that happens, that sharp intake of breath it made it easier for me to become aware of when my body was doing it, even slightly. At least to me most deep emotion comes in the form of a physical reaction, so this mindset helps me stay focused and connected to that feeling, it gives a solid place to come back to.

I hope this helps.

theEisnotsilent

But if others have not reconciled their karma with the Dharma, then that is their business and not yours.

It is a spiritual fallacy when we take upon ourselves the responsibilities of others and, at the same time, do not impart responsibility upon others.

We are behaving or believing as though we are "God" and the dictator/controller of the karma of others, which, of course, is delusion.

We are belittling others. We are actually not being compassionate towards others

I was wondering if you could explain this more, because it feels unrelated, but maybe I am missing something.

When I say that I can feel how that suffering was shared by other people, I was referring to that feeling that I am not alone in this struggle, that though these specific regrets are mine alone, that feeling of having done something wrong is the same and its painful and hard to deal with. It was not my intent to not make people responsible for their actions, it was only an acknowledgement that it is hard and they are not alone. While I may not be able to forgive my past self for those things at this moment, I keep working on it because the idea that I am not the only one struggling gives me courage. That's why I use it in my meditation practice, because it helps keep me inspired and focused.

Do you think that this mindset is distracting me from actually working on these feelings? Please explain.

theEisnotsilent

neither yourself or others have a static self to be prideful.

I found this phrasing very helpful. Thank you for reminding me that regret is a form of pride and holding onto this idea that things are at all static. I will try and think of this next time I am blocked.

theEisnotsilent

I do a mala of the 100 syllable Vajrasattva mantra every day along with a brief confessional prayer. A full mala takes about 20 minutes so you may only want to do a few. But I find this a helpful practice in overcoming regret and purifying obstacles to practice. In fact doing 100,000 of these mantras is one of the prerequistes for doing a 3 year retreat.

I don't have a physical teacher, so I'm not quite sure where to begin. I'd be willing to try it, but I feel just repeating the words, even knowing the meaning wouldn't be particularly helpful. Is there a resource that you know of that could be used as a more practical guide to this meditation, perhaps a teacher or a description of the process? That would be very helpful thank you.

IronRabbit

Self compassion is not as easy as it might seem. After all, one is stuck with oneself, so to speak, and knows every wart and blemish intimately. Wincing is a manifestation of aversion - but it is a step in the direction of self awareness. Another step toward self compassion is simply recognizing the cause of "wincing" and welcoming it into your inner landscape - even pretending it is an old friend who is welcome and encouraged to reveal themselves - a sort of "fake it 'til you make it" approach. This is all conditioning - intended only to make the transition back to non-physical emptiness as skillful as possible......

kaci

it seems there is a little concept drift here - perhaps a little analysis helps:
compassion (karuna) is the feeling one gets on honestly acknowledging and accepting the suffering of another _combined_ with acting (if reasonable and possible) to help alleviate that suffering. the second part is _essential_ - that one not only feel the suffering but use it as a motivating and transformative factor. Thus, when possible a sincere apology acknowledging wrong doing and asking for forgiveness from the wronged is sometimes effective - this integrates the contemplative aspect with the "real" world .. additionally or alternately resolving to endeavor to prevent a repeat and if reasonable taking action towards that may also help.

a second point - guilt or remorse is a natural feedback system that is there to indicate to us when we have strayed from the path as it were. it is best used as a sort of emotional kickoff point to emphasize an action or behavior to be avoided in the future - sort of a correctional factor or natural guidepost. in fact, some teachers emphasize the _value_ of shame for these reasons. it might help for you to consider the feelings with this in mind and how your sensitivity is aiding you to correct your course.

third - compassion for others is a little confusing; i find it easier to think of compassion for all living beings which includes me and therefor avoids the conflict between self and others which can lead to a confusing dilemma .. this mostly in reference to the title of this thread.

i hope this helps - i wish you well.

kaci

a thought occurred to me, as i do not know the nature of the wrong actions .. i do not wish to minimize the difficulty that can arise. as you are currently studying (i assume from reference) within a vajrayana context the story of milaropa is relevant - it was his terrible guilt at the deed of mass murder that drove him and motivated him to reform and practice dharma diligently; he recognized his wrongs and the suffering he had caused (including his own - remorse hurts!) and resolved to exert the effort to change. this is an example of one seeing and admitting the suffering that results from error, the pain of the suffering then motivating one to strive to change. finally he achieved release and help to spread the message of dharma - in this way taking action in the world to help prevent not only himself from repeating this but making amends by helping other people to avoid bad actions as well.

this is to say that resolving the remorse will not always be as easy or simple as apologizing and/or making amends - but a sincere recognition of remorse, as uncomfortable as it may be for a time, can be a very powerful force for change in the right direction. if treated honestly with time it will change ... patience, effort and persistence will transform it eventually. i offer you encouragement; strive on with persistence - eventually the shempa will dissolve and there will be peace.

DhammaDhatu

@theEisnotsilent

Sorry. Thanks for your explanation. I misunderstood your post.

With metta

AllbuddhaBound

This is a quote from Pema Chodron regarding Lojong training:

"When I first read the lojong ("mind training") teachings in The Great Path of Awakening by the nineteenth-century Tibetan teacher Jamgön Kongtrül the Great, I was struck by their unusual message that we can use our difficulties and problems to awaken our hearts. Rather than seeing the unwanted aspects of life as obstacles, Jamgön Kongtrül presented them as the raw material necessary for awakening genuine uncontrived compassion. Whereas in Kongtrül's commentary the emphasis is primarily on taking on the suffering of others, it is apparent that in this present age it is necessary to also emphasize that the first step is to develop compassion for our own wounds. It is unconditional compassion for ourselves that leads naturally to unconditional compassion for others. If we are willing to stand fully in our own shoes and never give up on ourselves, then we will be able to put ourselves in the shoes of others and never give up on them. True compassion does not come from wanting to help out those less fortunate than ourselves but from realizing our kinship with all beings.

The lojong teachings are organized around seven points that contain fifty-nine pithy slogans that remind us how to awaken our hearts. Presented here are nineteen of those slogans."

http://www.shambhalasun.com/index.php?option=content&task=view&id=1562

You have the material for awareness.

I hope this is helpful.