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Anger Part 2b: Managing Your Feelings
From the "Managing Stress and Anger in Conflict," chapter of Tjosvold & Johnson's book Productive Conflict Management (Irvington: 1983).
Used with permission of the authors.
Managing Your Feelings
Anger is not the only feeling we experience during conflicts. Interpersonal conflicts may result in
Managing Your Feelings
Anger is not the only feeling we experience during conflicts. Interpersonal conflicts may result in depression, sadness, worry, frustration, anxiety, fear, and guilt. Everyone occasionally gets depressed about a conflict or feel guilty about how they've behaved. If the feelings are dealt with constructively, they won't last very long. But if individuals have destructive patterns of interpreting what's happening in their lives, they can be depressed and upset all the time. Small conflicts can be turned into tragedies. To change negative or destructive feelings you have two choices. You can try to change other people and the way they're managing the conflict, or you can change yourself and the way you're managing your feelings. In choosing, it's important to remember that the easiest thing to change in your life is yourself.
To manage your feelings constructively, you need to understand what feelings are how they occur. Feelings are internal reactions to your experiences. To be aware of your feelings you have to be aware of how you're reacting to what's currently taking place around you. There are five aspects of such internal reactions:
1) Gather information about what's taking place through the senses. Look, listen, touch, taste and smell to be aware of your immediate experiences. Such sensory information only describes what is taking place, it doesn't place any meaning on what's happening.
2) Decide what the information means by interpreting the meaning of the information you sense. The information you sense is neutral; you decide what it means. Interpretations are yours, they take place inside you. In the case of interpersonal experiences, your interpretations are based on you theory as to what is causing the other person's actions and the assumptions you make about what is good or bad, what you do or do not need, and what causes what in the world.
3) You experience the feelings appropriate to your interpretations. You sense, you interpret, then you feel. Your feelings are spontaneous reactions to your interpretations. Feelings promote an urge to take action by activating the physiological systems within your body. It's important to be aware of your feelings, accept them, give them direction, and express them appropriately.
4) You formulate your intentions as to how your feelings will be expressed. Your intentions are guides to actions, pointing out how the feelings can be expressed. They are your immediate goals in that they are what you want to have happen as a result of expressing your feeling the way you do. There are rules and 'scripts' in our society as to how emotions should be expressed if they're to have the desired impact on others. To complete the script, each participant must play his or her role according to the relevant subset of rules for the culture they live within. Your intentions are built out of your awareness of what is culturally defined as expressions of the feeling you're experiencing.
5) You express your feelings verbally and/or nonverbally.
When you're in a conflict, you sense, interpret, feel, intend, and express all at the same time. It all happens faster than you can read a word--so fast that it seems as though it is only one step instead of five. To become aware of the five steps you have to slow the process down.
The cognitive control of stress depends on controlling your interpretations of what's taking place in the conflicts you're involved in. Remember, feelings aren't caused by the actions of your adversaries; they're caused by the ways in which you interpret their actions. When your interpretations result in feelings that contribute to a painful and troubled life, you're managing your feelings destructively. Managing conflicts constructively means that you're able to manage your interpretations of what is taking place within the conflict so that you're not overtly angry, depressed, anxious, or upset.
Your interpretations are heavily influenced by the assumptions you make about what's good or bad, what you do or don't need, and what causes what in the world. Sometimes people have assumptions that cause them to be depressed or upset most of the time. You can assume, for example, that your boss has to like you more than any other employee. Since, most probably, there will always be somebody your boss will like better, such an assumption will keep you unhappy. You'll be depressed because your boss doesn't like you best! Assumptions such as this one are irrational. An irrational assumption is a belief that makes you depressed or upset most of the time. The belief is accepted as true without any proof. If you believe your boss has to love you or else life is unbearable, you're operating under an irrational assumption. If you believe that you have to be perfect or else you're absolutely worthless, you're suffering from an irrational assumption. If you think you're unemployable because you can't immediately find a job, you have an irrational assumption. Irrational assumptions can only make you feel miserable because they lead to depressing interpretations. All you have to do to ruin your life is to make a few irrational assumptions and refuse to change them no matter how much pain they cause!
It takes energy to have destructive feelings, hold on to irrational assumptions, and make interpretations that lead to misery. It takes energy to try to ignore, deny, and hide these miserable feelings. The fewer irrational assumptions you have, and the more quickly you get rid of them and the destructive feelings they cause, the more energy you'll have for enjoying yourself and your relationships!
To maintain conflicts constructively, you need to:
1) be aware of your assumptions;
2) know how they affect your interpretations of the information gathered by your senses;
3) be able to tell how rational or irrational your assumptions are;
4) dump your irrational assumptions; and
5) replace your irrational assumptions with rational ones.
You can change your irrational assumptions. The easiest way is to become highly aware of when you're making an irrational assumption, and then to think of a rational and more constructive assumption. Argue with yourself until you've replaced your irrational assumptions with rational ones.
Irrational assumptions are learned, usually in early childhood, taught to you by people in your past. They're bad habits just like smoking or alcoholism--and like these bad habits, they can be broken. What was learned as a child can be unlearned as an adult. You can replace your irrational assumptions with rational ones. If yo keep arguing against your irrational assumptions, you'll soon develop rational ones! Don't let yourself feel bad just because you have bad thinking habits!
Part 1: http://newbuddhist.com/discussion/10994/anger#Item_18
Part 2a: http://newbuddhist.com/discussion/11073/anger-conflict-part-2a#Item_11
Used with permission of the authors.
Managing Your Feelings
Anger is not the only feeling we experience during conflicts. Interpersonal conflicts may result in
Managing Your Feelings
Anger is not the only feeling we experience during conflicts. Interpersonal conflicts may result in depression, sadness, worry, frustration, anxiety, fear, and guilt. Everyone occasionally gets depressed about a conflict or feel guilty about how they've behaved. If the feelings are dealt with constructively, they won't last very long. But if individuals have destructive patterns of interpreting what's happening in their lives, they can be depressed and upset all the time. Small conflicts can be turned into tragedies. To change negative or destructive feelings you have two choices. You can try to change other people and the way they're managing the conflict, or you can change yourself and the way you're managing your feelings. In choosing, it's important to remember that the easiest thing to change in your life is yourself.
To manage your feelings constructively, you need to understand what feelings are how they occur. Feelings are internal reactions to your experiences. To be aware of your feelings you have to be aware of how you're reacting to what's currently taking place around you. There are five aspects of such internal reactions:
1) Gather information about what's taking place through the senses. Look, listen, touch, taste and smell to be aware of your immediate experiences. Such sensory information only describes what is taking place, it doesn't place any meaning on what's happening.
2) Decide what the information means by interpreting the meaning of the information you sense. The information you sense is neutral; you decide what it means. Interpretations are yours, they take place inside you. In the case of interpersonal experiences, your interpretations are based on you theory as to what is causing the other person's actions and the assumptions you make about what is good or bad, what you do or do not need, and what causes what in the world.
3) You experience the feelings appropriate to your interpretations. You sense, you interpret, then you feel. Your feelings are spontaneous reactions to your interpretations. Feelings promote an urge to take action by activating the physiological systems within your body. It's important to be aware of your feelings, accept them, give them direction, and express them appropriately.
4) You formulate your intentions as to how your feelings will be expressed. Your intentions are guides to actions, pointing out how the feelings can be expressed. They are your immediate goals in that they are what you want to have happen as a result of expressing your feeling the way you do. There are rules and 'scripts' in our society as to how emotions should be expressed if they're to have the desired impact on others. To complete the script, each participant must play his or her role according to the relevant subset of rules for the culture they live within. Your intentions are built out of your awareness of what is culturally defined as expressions of the feeling you're experiencing.
5) You express your feelings verbally and/or nonverbally.
When you're in a conflict, you sense, interpret, feel, intend, and express all at the same time. It all happens faster than you can read a word--so fast that it seems as though it is only one step instead of five. To become aware of the five steps you have to slow the process down.
The cognitive control of stress depends on controlling your interpretations of what's taking place in the conflicts you're involved in. Remember, feelings aren't caused by the actions of your adversaries; they're caused by the ways in which you interpret their actions. When your interpretations result in feelings that contribute to a painful and troubled life, you're managing your feelings destructively. Managing conflicts constructively means that you're able to manage your interpretations of what is taking place within the conflict so that you're not overtly angry, depressed, anxious, or upset.
Your interpretations are heavily influenced by the assumptions you make about what's good or bad, what you do or don't need, and what causes what in the world. Sometimes people have assumptions that cause them to be depressed or upset most of the time. You can assume, for example, that your boss has to like you more than any other employee. Since, most probably, there will always be somebody your boss will like better, such an assumption will keep you unhappy. You'll be depressed because your boss doesn't like you best! Assumptions such as this one are irrational. An irrational assumption is a belief that makes you depressed or upset most of the time. The belief is accepted as true without any proof. If you believe your boss has to love you or else life is unbearable, you're operating under an irrational assumption. If you believe that you have to be perfect or else you're absolutely worthless, you're suffering from an irrational assumption. If you think you're unemployable because you can't immediately find a job, you have an irrational assumption. Irrational assumptions can only make you feel miserable because they lead to depressing interpretations. All you have to do to ruin your life is to make a few irrational assumptions and refuse to change them no matter how much pain they cause!
It takes energy to have destructive feelings, hold on to irrational assumptions, and make interpretations that lead to misery. It takes energy to try to ignore, deny, and hide these miserable feelings. The fewer irrational assumptions you have, and the more quickly you get rid of them and the destructive feelings they cause, the more energy you'll have for enjoying yourself and your relationships!
To maintain conflicts constructively, you need to:
1) be aware of your assumptions;
2) know how they affect your interpretations of the information gathered by your senses;
3) be able to tell how rational or irrational your assumptions are;
4) dump your irrational assumptions; and
5) replace your irrational assumptions with rational ones.
You can change your irrational assumptions. The easiest way is to become highly aware of when you're making an irrational assumption, and then to think of a rational and more constructive assumption. Argue with yourself until you've replaced your irrational assumptions with rational ones.
Irrational assumptions are learned, usually in early childhood, taught to you by people in your past. They're bad habits just like smoking or alcoholism--and like these bad habits, they can be broken. What was learned as a child can be unlearned as an adult. You can replace your irrational assumptions with rational ones. If yo keep arguing against your irrational assumptions, you'll soon develop rational ones! Don't let yourself feel bad just because you have bad thinking habits!
Part 1: http://newbuddhist.com/discussion/10994/anger#Item_18
Part 2a: http://newbuddhist.com/discussion/11073/anger-conflict-part-2a#Item_11
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Comments
Bucky, stick to one location, thanks.