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Anger Part 3: Feelings Cont..., Support Systems, Conclusion.
From the "Managing Stress and Anger in Conflict," chapter of Tjosvold & Johnson's book Productive Conflict Management (Irvington: 1983).
Used with permission of the authors.
"I have known a great many troubles, but most of them have never happened." -Mark Twain
An example of an irrational assumption is, "I must be loved, liked and approved of by everybody all the time or I will be absolutely miserable and will feel totally worthless." The rational assumption substitution should be, "It'd be nice if I were liked by everyone, but I can survive very well without the approval of most people."
The constructive management of feelings is especially important when anticipating or reflecting on interpersonal conflicts. Our ability to anticipate and remember have a marked impact on the stress they experience. The imagined experience commonly becomes as effective as the experience itself in evoking physiological responses that govern health or disease. The hope or fear of a situation that has not yet occurred may cause irregular heartbeats and considerable tension. The memory of a conflict can recreate the intensity of the anger actually experienced in the situation. Conflicts may be stressful enough as they are actually occurring, but when the anticipation or memory of the conflicts produces distress, the ability to cognitively control your feelings becomes an essential survival skill.
Managing Stress Through Support Systems
One of the most effective ways of managing stress is through utilizing social support systems involving other people who care about you and/or are sympathetic to your plight. Discussing stressful situations with friends and clarifying one's feelings through describing them to a sympathetic person are some of the most helpful strategies for managing stress. One of the first actions you should take when you find yourself experiencing stress, therefore, is to discuss the situation and your feelings. Groups should encourage supportive relationships that help members cope with stress.
There's a biological precedent for such a procedure. In the course of evolution, colonies of individual cells combined to form a single cooperative community in which competition was amply overcompensated for by mutual assistance. Each cell could depend on other cells for help. Different cells specialized, each to undertake different functions, come to look after food intake and digestion, others to provide the means for respiration, locomotion, and defense, still others to coordinate the activities of the entire colony. The evolution of diverse species was largely dependent on the development of processes that permitted many cells to live in harmony, with a minimum of stress between them, serving their own best interests by ensuring the survival of the entire complex structure. Stress within the body is managed within this complex division of labor in which different specialized cells work collaboratively to deal with threats to the productiveness of the entire colony. The indispensiblity of the disciplined, orderly, and mutually cooperative support of the normal cell is illustrated by its opposite--cancer, whose most characteristic feature is that it cares only for itself. Cancer feeds on the other parts of the biological system to which it belongs until it kills the entire system, thus committing biological suicide since a cancer cell cannot live except within the body in which it started its egocentric development.
Loneliness, isolation, and lack of social support during periods of stress do create physiological damage and aggravate the effects of stress. Isolating ourselves during stressful times is the equivalent of committing social suicide, as destroying or failing to maintain our relationships when we need them the most is self-destructive. When we are experiencing stress, we need other people to turn to for support. Yet many people have too few relationships they can count on as sources of support. In our complex, technological, bureaucratic world, a broad base of interpersonal support is important. In addition to family, we need supervisory colleagues, friends, and acquaintances who respect us, and who can be our mentors, evaluators, experts, and energizers. When we experience stress, it's important to feel that we're not alone ant to realize that by discussing situations with others we can alleviate stress and pain.
Conclusion
Managing stress and anger is a vital, everyday concern for individuals and the groups they comprise. Unproductive stress and anger are costly because they undermine physical health, emotional well-being, and performance. The direct, effective expression of anger can help manage conflicts to reduce tension and solve problems. Stress, anger, and conflict are commonly thought to be negative experiences that should, if possible, be avoided. Yet they can be stimulating and productive. Persons search out stress and conflict and feel powerful as they express anger. Stress seems inevitable as persons tackle difficult, challenging problems that help them use and develop their skills. Anger and conflict seem inevitable as persons work with, rely on, and support each other. Stress and anger are very much a part of our lives, and all of us need to learn to live with and make the most of them.
Part 1: http://newbuddhist.com/discussion/10994/anger#Item_18
Part 2a: http://newbuddhist.com/discussion/11073/anger-conflict-part-2a#Item_11
Part 2b: http://newbuddhist.com/discussion/11270/anger-part-2b-managing-your-feelings
Used with permission of the authors.
"I have known a great many troubles, but most of them have never happened." -Mark Twain
An example of an irrational assumption is, "I must be loved, liked and approved of by everybody all the time or I will be absolutely miserable and will feel totally worthless." The rational assumption substitution should be, "It'd be nice if I were liked by everyone, but I can survive very well without the approval of most people."
The constructive management of feelings is especially important when anticipating or reflecting on interpersonal conflicts. Our ability to anticipate and remember have a marked impact on the stress they experience. The imagined experience commonly becomes as effective as the experience itself in evoking physiological responses that govern health or disease. The hope or fear of a situation that has not yet occurred may cause irregular heartbeats and considerable tension. The memory of a conflict can recreate the intensity of the anger actually experienced in the situation. Conflicts may be stressful enough as they are actually occurring, but when the anticipation or memory of the conflicts produces distress, the ability to cognitively control your feelings becomes an essential survival skill.
Managing Stress Through Support Systems
One of the most effective ways of managing stress is through utilizing social support systems involving other people who care about you and/or are sympathetic to your plight. Discussing stressful situations with friends and clarifying one's feelings through describing them to a sympathetic person are some of the most helpful strategies for managing stress. One of the first actions you should take when you find yourself experiencing stress, therefore, is to discuss the situation and your feelings. Groups should encourage supportive relationships that help members cope with stress.
There's a biological precedent for such a procedure. In the course of evolution, colonies of individual cells combined to form a single cooperative community in which competition was amply overcompensated for by mutual assistance. Each cell could depend on other cells for help. Different cells specialized, each to undertake different functions, come to look after food intake and digestion, others to provide the means for respiration, locomotion, and defense, still others to coordinate the activities of the entire colony. The evolution of diverse species was largely dependent on the development of processes that permitted many cells to live in harmony, with a minimum of stress between them, serving their own best interests by ensuring the survival of the entire complex structure. Stress within the body is managed within this complex division of labor in which different specialized cells work collaboratively to deal with threats to the productiveness of the entire colony. The indispensiblity of the disciplined, orderly, and mutually cooperative support of the normal cell is illustrated by its opposite--cancer, whose most characteristic feature is that it cares only for itself. Cancer feeds on the other parts of the biological system to which it belongs until it kills the entire system, thus committing biological suicide since a cancer cell cannot live except within the body in which it started its egocentric development.
Loneliness, isolation, and lack of social support during periods of stress do create physiological damage and aggravate the effects of stress. Isolating ourselves during stressful times is the equivalent of committing social suicide, as destroying or failing to maintain our relationships when we need them the most is self-destructive. When we are experiencing stress, we need other people to turn to for support. Yet many people have too few relationships they can count on as sources of support. In our complex, technological, bureaucratic world, a broad base of interpersonal support is important. In addition to family, we need supervisory colleagues, friends, and acquaintances who respect us, and who can be our mentors, evaluators, experts, and energizers. When we experience stress, it's important to feel that we're not alone ant to realize that by discussing situations with others we can alleviate stress and pain.
Conclusion
Managing stress and anger is a vital, everyday concern for individuals and the groups they comprise. Unproductive stress and anger are costly because they undermine physical health, emotional well-being, and performance. The direct, effective expression of anger can help manage conflicts to reduce tension and solve problems. Stress, anger, and conflict are commonly thought to be negative experiences that should, if possible, be avoided. Yet they can be stimulating and productive. Persons search out stress and conflict and feel powerful as they express anger. Stress seems inevitable as persons tackle difficult, challenging problems that help them use and develop their skills. Anger and conflict seem inevitable as persons work with, rely on, and support each other. Stress and anger are very much a part of our lives, and all of us need to learn to live with and make the most of them.
Part 1: http://newbuddhist.com/discussion/10994/anger#Item_18
Part 2a: http://newbuddhist.com/discussion/11073/anger-conflict-part-2a#Item_11
Part 2b: http://newbuddhist.com/discussion/11270/anger-part-2b-managing-your-feelings
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