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Fear of Truth
Hi All,
This is my first posting here. I've been drawn to Eastern Philosophy and Buddhism in particular because I think the perspective on life is much healthier and freeing than the typical notions held in the west. I have engaged the practice of focusing on the breath twice a days for 15-20 mins for about a week now and already feel a slight shift in how I view things.
As someone that deals with anxiety and formally panic attacks, I can honestly say that sometimes I'm concerned about what will happen should I continue the meditation practice. I've gotten mixed reviews here that some are happy that they started and it seems that some reach a great period of unrelenting darkness. I frightens me to think that I could be headed for a place where I relate to absolutely nothing, and am adorned with nihilistic tendencies. Is there any advice on making sure that I continue on the right path? I fear that I won't be able to truly feel human, as I guess I'm attached to this notion of a somber and stoic monk that does not display emotion. How does that monk feel on the inside? Could he laugh and crack jokes with his friends if he wanted to? Or does he feel that those things (jokes, spending time with friends) are trivial in the greater scheme of enlightenment?
Furthermore, if happiness is achieved by providing it to others isn't that contradictory to the teachings? Any happiness that one human can provide to another is nothing that would be able to last. Therefore our directing good deeds to others provokes delusion as they see us as a source of happiness?
I ranted a lot there and not necessarily in any one direction. So if anyone would like to provide clarity on any part of what I said, I'd appreciate it sincerely. I just want to be a provider of peace and happiness, and to be free and authentic myself.
This is my first posting here. I've been drawn to Eastern Philosophy and Buddhism in particular because I think the perspective on life is much healthier and freeing than the typical notions held in the west. I have engaged the practice of focusing on the breath twice a days for 15-20 mins for about a week now and already feel a slight shift in how I view things.
As someone that deals with anxiety and formally panic attacks, I can honestly say that sometimes I'm concerned about what will happen should I continue the meditation practice. I've gotten mixed reviews here that some are happy that they started and it seems that some reach a great period of unrelenting darkness. I frightens me to think that I could be headed for a place where I relate to absolutely nothing, and am adorned with nihilistic tendencies. Is there any advice on making sure that I continue on the right path? I fear that I won't be able to truly feel human, as I guess I'm attached to this notion of a somber and stoic monk that does not display emotion. How does that monk feel on the inside? Could he laugh and crack jokes with his friends if he wanted to? Or does he feel that those things (jokes, spending time with friends) are trivial in the greater scheme of enlightenment?
Furthermore, if happiness is achieved by providing it to others isn't that contradictory to the teachings? Any happiness that one human can provide to another is nothing that would be able to last. Therefore our directing good deeds to others provokes delusion as they see us as a source of happiness?
I ranted a lot there and not necessarily in any one direction. So if anyone would like to provide clarity on any part of what I said, I'd appreciate it sincerely. I just want to be a provider of peace and happiness, and to be free and authentic myself.
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Comments
But the point is that this doctrine of 'no-self' can be seen in one of two ways. Either it means we don't exist and meditation means extinguishing ourselves and experiencing being 'one with nothingness' (nihilism), or it means that we exist as an inseparable part of the greater whole that is nature, and meditation is about experiencing being 'one with everything' (which I see as the opposite of nihilism). Of course I believe that Buddhism should be about the second view. So the advice I'd give is to take this view on the matter.
I'd also say that any somber, stoic monk who cannot joke and laugh with friends is too attached to the idea of non-attachment. The true idea is not to get rid of sense pleasures, relationships, or interactions with others, but to recognize their impermanence so that if/when they change you remain content. And, as I seem to be saying often lately, you can use that concept of impermanence to treasure all those things all the more while they last.
Lastly, if the happiness being given to others is in the form of showing them that selflessness itself is the path to happiness, I don't see that there's a problem. It's only if the ONLY form of happiness you're giving is in the form of material goods that would be contradicting the teachings.
That's my ramblings anyway.
"Furthermore, if happiness is achieved by providing it to others isn't that contradictory to the teachings? Any happiness that one human can provide to another is nothing that would be able to last. Therefore our directing good deeds to others provokes delusion as they see us as a source of happiness?"
codependency doesn't provide happiness. by following the path you gain heartfelt good intentions and wisdom. To that degree you CAN value to others. But you can't liberate them from samsara, they gotta do it. You can give them material, show fearlessness, and give dharma teachings.
The situation you posed that caught my attention was the fear of what you seek ... let's tentatively call it the 'truth.'
Not that it's much consolation but I think you have an enormous amount of company among those who are serious about their practice. This has all sorts of precedents in spiritual history. In Vedanta, for example, the great Swami Vivekananda (1862-1902) was quoted as saying, when his teacher, Ramakrishna, was about to open him up with a finger placed against Vivekananda's forehead, "Not yet! Not yet!"
What happens if, at the end of all this effort, I turn out to be crazier than I already am? What happens if I turn into some no-affect zombie with a halo? What happens if, instead of loving and enjoying this life, I turn into some nihilistic nerd?
On the one hand, the truth, together with its attendant clarity and compassion, may be more enticing than chocolate. On the other hand, could you still play poker on Thursday nights, go out on a hot date, run a marathon, have pets, eat hot dogs, or cuss up a storm when you hit your thumb with a hammer? What would you do with the truth if you actually realized it? Would it embrace you or would it eat you for breakfast?
What eases such fears, perhaps, is the gentle firmness that is required in practice. Gently ... allow the fears to come and go. Firmly ... continue your practice. Check out with care the people alleged to have some 'attainment.' "With care" means digging into the particulars and not just being satisfied with the throngs which may applaud his or her name or deeds. Moreover, try to remember that Buddhism is for one person and one person only ...you. Without you, Buddhism is dead in the water -- a corpse. This is no joke. Buddhism is for you ... not the other way around.
Will you make mistakes along the way? Count on it. The person who makes no mistakes never has a chance to learn anything. Another name for a Buddhist practice might be Mistakes R Us. So, in one sense, you can relax. In another sense, the yearning for the 'truth' is not likely to be fulfilled while lying in a hammock. Patience, courage and doubt are brought to bear. People will tell you there is good stuff to be unearthed in Buddhism. They are right. People will tell you there is bad stuff to be unearthed in Buddhism. They are right too. But Buddhism that bases itself solely on what others assert is useless in the end. What counts, and what bears nourishing fruit, comes entirely from your patient practice.
Good luck and try not to fret too much. Nihilism is a cheap date, one that a Buddhist practice can easily defeat. And the same is true of some imaginary ascendant bliss ... practice tells a far more reassuring tale than the blissful woo-hoo's.
Just keep up your good practice.
And excuse my long-windedness.
Negation that is either affirming or non-affirming is merely conceptual emptiness, i.e. pre-equipoise. The real thing is in meditative equipoise.
don't worry about "dark nights of the soul" and similar; if you don't play with fire (basically tummo, kundalini and tantra).
And @Vincenzi , when you say that, does that mean "dark nights of the soul" will not occur unless I engage tummo, kundalini or tantra practices? I have not heard that to be the case.
if there are and you are not engaging in those three practices, they will be much "softer" and nicer.
however, after "dark nights" the improvement is faster...