Contradictions in my practice?

CaptainMako

Hello all,

I've recently delved into the Buddhist belief, and become easily overwhelmed by the vast amount of information that a newcomer can come across. I have no teacher, nor any knowledge of where to begin. I'm lost enough as it is, but attempting to gain some ground in the sense of following Western Buddhism seems to grow harder every time I study. Something has been gnawing at me over the past few days however, and I believe I need guidance.

Desire is one of the most forward hinderances to a Buddhist seeking enlightenment, and halts progress in a sense. There are periods, usually after I become frustrated at my lack of ability to retain information and teachings, where the hunger to become a Buddhist is overpowering. Is this very desire a contradiction to what I'm seeking? I figure that before I can really call myself a Buddhist, I need to show patience and determination to be able to retain the teachings, as it feels like I always lose everything I study.

Talisman

116. Ven. finanda: “‘This body comes into being through craving. And yet it is by relying on craving that craving is to be abandoned.’ Thus it was said. And in reference to what was it said? There is the case, sister, where a monk hears, ‘The monk named such-and-such, they say, through the ending of the effluents, has entered & remains in the effluent-free awareness-release & discernment-release, having known & realized them for himself in the here & now.’ The thought occurs to him, ‘I hope that I, too, will—through the ending of the effluents— enter & remain in the effluent-free awareness-release & discernment-release, having directly known & realized them for myself right in the here & now.’ Then, at a later time, he abandons craving, having relied on craving.”

— AN 4.159

federica

http://www.accesstoinsight.org/tipitaka/an/an06/an06.055.than.html

Neither too tight, nor too loose.
Your practice should follow a path that makes each step a challenge, not an ordeal.
It's a slow marathon, not a record-breaking sprint.....

Talisman

I have heard that on one occasion Ven. Ananda was staying in Kosambi, at Ghosita's Park. Then the Brahman Unnabha went to where Ven. Ananda was staying and on arrival greeted him courteously. [...] he said to Ven. Ananda: "Master Ananda, what is the aim of this holy life lived under Gotama the contemplative?"

"Brahman, the holy life is lived under the Blessed One with the aim of abandoning desire."

"Is there a path, is there a practice, for the abandoning of that desire?"

"Yes, there is a path, there is a practice, for the abandoning of that desire."

"What is the path, the practice, for the abandoning of that desire?"

"Brahman, there is the case where a monk develops the base of power endowed with concentration founded on desire & the fabrications of exertion. He develops the base of power endowed with concentration founded on persistence... concentration founded on intent... concentration founded on discrimination & the fabrications of exertion. This, Brahman, is the path, this is the practice for the abandoning of that desire."

"If that's so, Master Ananda, then it's an endless path, and not one with an end, for it's impossible that one could abandon desire by means of desire."

"In that case, brahman, let me question you on this matter. Answer as you see fit. What do you think: Didn't you first have desire, thinking, 'I'll go to the park,' and then when you reached the park, wasn't that particular desire allayed?"

"Yes, sir."

[...]

"So it is with an arahant whose mental effluents are ended, who has reached fulfillment, done the task, laid down the burden, attained the true goal, totally destroyed the fetter of becoming, and who is released through right gnosis. Whatever desire he first had for the attainment of arahantship, on attaining arahantship that particular desire is allayed. [...]. So what do you think, brahman? Is this an endless path, or one with an end?"

"You're right, Master Ananda. This is a path with an end, and not an endless one. [...]

-SN 51.15

CaptainMako

How could I forget the middleway? Ugh.

I suppose that I am only granted peace of mind about how much is ahead when I am reminded that I must find my way alone.

I'm going to try and start over this morning, I discovered a peaceful spot yesterday that I may be able to study at.

aMatt

I suppose that I am only granted peace of mind about how much is ahead when I am reminded that I must find my way alone.

You're never really alone, friend. There are many thousands of Buddhists practicing and learning with you, breathing in your spent air! Don't be afraid to ask for help while you build your resolve.

With warmth,

Matt

zenff

I'm going to try and start over this morning, I discovered a peaceful spot yesterday that I may be able to study at.

Don’t study so much.
What you really need to know fits on a single sheet of paper.

What is it that you find attractive about Buddhism anyway?

CaptainMako

Sorry all, I was out of town for a few days and internet was not readily available.

@ aMatt
I happen to have the luck to be stuck in an area where any other belief system than Christianity is generally tucked away between small, small groups of people. Physical help is just about out of the question when I'm not out of town.

@ zenff
It's the passiveness it inspires and the appreciation for life it tries to merit in you.Recently I've become rather defensive and everything processes as varying shades of grey. While at first it would have worked as a temporary solution, the entire belief is attractive as a long-term ideal and I would like to follow it. The leniency and freedom of thought in Buddhism is also something I have yet to come across anywhere else; it works great for me.

genkaku

I figure that before I can really call myself a Buddhist, I need to show patience and determination to be able to retain the teachings, as it feels like I always lose everything I study.
-------
@CaptainMako -- It is OK to study and retain what informs your travels. But what really brings credible substance to Buddhism is your practice. Meditation is a very good tool in this regard. Patience, courage, doubt and constancy assist meditation.

bretsaksa

Desire is not something we must be rid of, only to accept the right desire and come to terms with the wrong desire. Example for right desire- The desire to learn and grow more in Buddha. Example for wrong desire- The desire to punch the guy next to you who is breathing to loud during a meditation class. You get the point im sure.

NOTaGangsta

Desire is one of the most forward hinderances to a Buddhist seeking enlightenment, and halts progress in a sense. There are periods, usually after I become frustrated at my lack of ability to retain information and teachings, where the hunger to become a Buddhist is overpowering. Is this very desire a contradiction to what I'm seeking? I figure that before I can really call myself a Buddhist, I need to show patience and determination to be able to retain the teachings, as it feels like I always lose everything I study.

My teacher specifically talked about this "desire for the Dharma". It's a very good thing! It shows your diligent on seeking the way! Although the problem lies in da case if you want a "quick fix". My recommendation is to take it easy and not to read too many different things to quickly, your gonna get too confused. Try to find actually monastic Dharma teachers when the condition arrives.

Try reading these booklets first to manage the amount of information you intake!

http://blpusa.com/category/buddhism-in-every-step

CaptainMako

Thanks guys, I was wondering if I was really the only one to raise a question about that feeling.

I think all of this doubt is stemming from feeling disorganized and discouraged about all of my information. I see the average Buddhist and I feel inferior in terms of wisdom.

Currently, I'm working with this book (though in a hard copy): http://buddhasociety.com/books/what-buddha-taught-walpola-rahula-9

Someone else has also offered me a book on "Buddhist chivalry", the actual name escapes me. Hopefully I will get it soon.

There are also various meditation centers in a town that I visit pretty often, but the addresses I'm getting are outdated and I can't find anything. According to a few friends, it's all held at practitioners' homes anymore.

I have a few questions on meditation, but I will take a look at those booklets you provided first Gangsta.

genkaku

A pretty straight-forward how-to for Zen meditation (with pictures) is found here: http://mro.org/zmm/teachings/meditation.php I think it is a pretty good Buddhist outline, irrespective of whether anyone is partial to Zen.