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Should I give up on Buddhism for a while?
Right now I'm just really wondering if I should drop my practice in buddhism, and simply live life for a little while first. The reason why is I'm just frigging ANGRY.
Lately I've been under quite a lot of stress (actually I always have been, but more lately). College is hard enough to keep up in, plus I'm always in constant pain because of my back and neck injuries which makes me really short tempered/grouchy when I'm particularily sore. I'm 20 years old but I can't even move out of my parents house because I can't work in the condition I'm in, and they won't give me disability insurance because I'm living at home, a catch-22. My dad really pisses me off sometimes, I don't have any friends because of having social anxiety disorder, I've never had a girlfriend and never will because I'm so fucked up with feeling stressed in any social situation for no reason other than being fucked up. And today my little brother, 15 years old, decided once again he's just going to casually tell me to fuck off whenever he feels like it, yet my parents as usual just give me hell for not ignoring him, but *gasp* telling him to quit being so damn mouthy. I got so angry I just stormed downstairs and punched the wall over and over and over.
So I figure as it is I'm not going to suddenly have this wonderfull life any time soon, and it would be hypocritical of me to call myself "buddhist" when I feel so angry and frustrated that I have to smash my fist into the wall just to deal with anything. Besides, buddha was very against mind altering substances, and I've smoked pot daily for the past year just to keep my pain under control or keep myself from having more damn panic attacks. So really, I don't see any reason to continue. I've been meditating more than ever but it's not helping, and I've tried and tried but I CAN'T stop feeling angry at the whole world about nothing going right in my life. you can't imagine how hard it's been trying to convince myself for years that I don't need any companionship, since I'll be alone the rest of my life. well I'm tired of living in denial, I'm just tired of trying. can't say I see how any sort of belief system would be sustainable right now.
Lately I've been under quite a lot of stress (actually I always have been, but more lately). College is hard enough to keep up in, plus I'm always in constant pain because of my back and neck injuries which makes me really short tempered/grouchy when I'm particularily sore. I'm 20 years old but I can't even move out of my parents house because I can't work in the condition I'm in, and they won't give me disability insurance because I'm living at home, a catch-22. My dad really pisses me off sometimes, I don't have any friends because of having social anxiety disorder, I've never had a girlfriend and never will because I'm so fucked up with feeling stressed in any social situation for no reason other than being fucked up. And today my little brother, 15 years old, decided once again he's just going to casually tell me to fuck off whenever he feels like it, yet my parents as usual just give me hell for not ignoring him, but *gasp* telling him to quit being so damn mouthy. I got so angry I just stormed downstairs and punched the wall over and over and over.
So I figure as it is I'm not going to suddenly have this wonderfull life any time soon, and it would be hypocritical of me to call myself "buddhist" when I feel so angry and frustrated that I have to smash my fist into the wall just to deal with anything. Besides, buddha was very against mind altering substances, and I've smoked pot daily for the past year just to keep my pain under control or keep myself from having more damn panic attacks. So really, I don't see any reason to continue. I've been meditating more than ever but it's not helping, and I've tried and tried but I CAN'T stop feeling angry at the whole world about nothing going right in my life. you can't imagine how hard it's been trying to convince myself for years that I don't need any companionship, since I'll be alone the rest of my life. well I'm tired of living in denial, I'm just tired of trying. can't say I see how any sort of belief system would be sustainable right now.
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Somehow though I sincerely doubt that you really want to be at the mercy of what comes up from moment to moment. There are many ways in which we try to supress emotions and thoughts, overworking, indulging in beliefs that have no relation to reality, projecting the cause onto others, drinking too much, smoking pot everyday. As you practice, you will find that these habits will change. It's not a matter of using sheer will power to stop. First of all, that simply doesn't work in the long term and secondly that actually feeds the delusion that we should be other than we are, that somehow, at some point up in the future, things will be different and then we can change. It's sheer delusion, there is no other time than now and who we are, 'faults' and all, is itself a perfect manifestation of Buddha Nature, of things as they are. The thing is to realize that.
hey, thanks for the insightfull reply zenmonk. I've come down from feeling so angry now, just depressed really, though I feel I should apologize for all the swearing in the post, I just wasn't in a good mindset, so sorry to all about that.
I don't know what to do to make my life not feel like crap right now, and maybe at the moment there isn't anything, other than stay on the path, as I know I really should. you're definately right about one thing, repression of emotions is just as bad as indulging them, and I was repressing a lot. I've misinterpreting the buddhist way, believing that I could solve these emotional issues by "extinction" of these feelings, rather than "repression", though in reality I think I really was just repressing them.
I've also come to realize that the meditation has helped, though not how I thought it would. the past 2 weeks I've managed, for the first time, to meditate almost every day for very long periods of time, which is a big first. I thought by meditating all these horrible feelings would just go away. but I think what it's done is make me stop denying all the stuff I've been feeling, and so now it's finally all coming out in tears, punching the wall, and actaully expressing my feelings which is a first.
btw, I don't suppose anybody has some antidotes for muscular pain or anxiety? just wondering.
You're only 20. Relax a bit. It's rough "living in another man's castle," but that's where you are right now. But it's not permanent; nothing is. Just try to focus on the good things about your family and be aware that we can all be moody at times: forgive and get over it, we're all limited (and some people are VERY limited --perhaps no fault of their own). Time will come when you will be able to move out. Time will come when you won't be in so much pain all the time. For now, just be yourself, not something you're not. But, be as good and kind and helpful and forbearing as you can --when you can. JUST Don't break a major law and you'll be OK. Don't let anger ever drive you that far.
Also, not all young people need a "label."
So, you want to be Buddhist?-- Because? --I'm sure it's not just to have a "fancy" label.
What ZenMonk said sounds right: "I sincerely doubt that you really want to be at the mercy of what comes up from moment to moment."--ZM --If your happiness depends on something outside yourself, over which you have little or no control, how can you ever be happy? Even Aristotle's Ethics revolves around Happiness. Happiness is the Key.
I believe the Eightfold path is all about happiness. I believe the Eightfold Path is good for all of us, whatever our religion. I believe ignorance of the Eightfold Path is a great evil, given the fact that it can yield such great benefits. Therefore, I believe, you should continue your Buddhist practices, but perhaps with more direct help from somebody more advanced.
Try to get rid of the anger by seeking help on this matter. Don't be a fool and carry it with you the rest of your life, as some people do. As for "simply liv[ing] life for a little while first," it would probably be a good idea to give up sitting meditation as you have experienced it until such time as you have received some further instruction and/or help. As for me, I think the Eightfold Path makes "simply living life" more joyful.
For Whom Was It Made?
Let the Path Ahead of Thee Be Peaceful,
Thy Ways Strewn With Rays and Breezes, Bliss-Drenched,
And the Road Behind Thee Littered With Potent Seeds of Joy.
Let Thy Very Name Be Bliss!
Long hot shower or bath, some yoga, tai chi or gentle stretches, taking time to stop and bring your attention to your breathing any time you can remember it during the day. Slow down, start looking at the sky more, stop avoiding doing what you've been putting off for the last few days...
(You might like to cut and paste this, so's you can follow it....)
Posture (or more specifically, BAD posture) is a root cause (though obviously not the only one!) for many physical aches and pains.
Find a comfortable space to stand in. Faace a window, with a pleasant view, maybe....
Feet hip-width apart.
parallel, so the toes point forwards, not at slight angles, like the hands of a clock... Both feet towards midday... (or midnight, depending....!)
(this will feel weird already. Tough. Do it anyway.)
Tilt the pelvis lightly backwards.. (This will entail tucking your sitting-bone in and under, not sticking it out!) This eliminates the hollow in the small of your back. However, try not to contract the abdominal muscles, but keep them relaxed. It's a posture adjustment, not a muscular exercise....
Now subtly bend the knees...
You should still be able to JUST see your toes beyond them. No toes? Too far.
Now put the hips back where they should be...
people always move the hips out of alignment when they check the knees/toes... Hah! I know this!!
(check the hollow of the back... nice and stretched....)
Drop the shoulders.
Tuck the chin in Lightly. Not so much that you restrict the wind-pipe...
Move the head backwards, as if trying to rst the back of your head against a wall... Move, not tilt... The neck shouldn't fold backwards, the skull should move backwards....
Move the arms outwards, away from the body... Not too much - about an inch or two... Like you have a flat package in each armpit..
you getting all this....?
At the same time as you are adjusting the body as you travel upwards, you have to retain the positions I've given you, further down.....
Constantly check, every level...
feet parallel...
Knees slightly bent.....
Hips tilted, coccyx tucked in - abdominals relaxed.....
back straight but not forced... Think of it as elongating the spine....
Hollow of back virtually gone....
Dropped shoulders....
long neck, chin slightly tucked in, cranium back....
Arms slightly out from the sides....
Constantly mentally run up and down the body, checking and re-checking your posture...
Shoulders, over hips, over feet. Perfectly aligned.
Relax.
Breathe as deeply into your abdomen as you can.
Gaze, with half-closed eyes, at a spot in the distance... don't fix it... just let your eyes rest lightly upon it, without paying it particular attention.
Lightly touch your palate with the tip of your tongue.
Breathe deeply in with your nose.....hold for a second or two.....
and out through the nose......
Adopt this position every time you need to "shut down" mentally, and engage with your body.
Your thigs will finally start to support your body, moving that responsibility down from your back, shoulders and neck...
work up gradually, to twenty minutes of "Standing Like a Tree".....
It's bliss!
And you can tell everyone that just standing still is hard work!
There have been times when I have wondered whether I could "be a Buddhist". What helped me was the thought that the labels "Buddhist" or "not Buddhist" are both just that; lables, and to let go of them. I found Meditation/ the 5 precepts / the 8fold path etc helpful, and so have tried to follow them, and haven't actually revisited the label issue consciously. Oddly enough, now that I've stopped asking myself the question, I sense that I know the answer.
I don't know if that helps you, but it helped me.
Martin.
There is a remedy for what you're suffering emotionally. You could use all sorts of practices and techniques. But what I've found is that the Buddhist practice encompasses all of the best of them. If you stick with the practice and just keep going, expecting nothing, things will change. You're already half way there. You just don't know it yet.
Your post sounded almost EXACTLY like something I could have written just a few short years ago. It was uncanny. I searched and searched and finally decided to come back to Buddhism and really put it into practice. The changes were subtle and they certainly didn't occur over night. But when I look back on how my life used to be and how it is now, I've done a complete 180.
Jerbear, who's an RN, was thinking of starting a thread about physical challenges because there are a few of us who deal with back injuries and chronic pain and he thought we could use it as a resource of information and support. I think it's a great idea. It was Buddhism that helped me to cope and to deal with pain every day. It taught me to see my injury and pain as a teacher, a very, very good teacher. The best I've ever had, in fact. This teacher never goes home, is on me 24 hours a day and forces me to deal with it. Without Buddhism, though, I wouldn't have understood a word my teacher was saying.
I also have a serious panic disorder and I know there are others who suffer from various anxiety related things here. I've been trying to deal with mine for 25 years and have NEVER found as much help and insight for it as I have through Buddhism. I also consider myself fortunate to have developed this disorder because it's forced me to deal with fear head on. The more I work on it using Buddhist practice, the more grateful I am that it developed in the first place. It's taken me places I never would have gone had I not so desperately needed to address it.
We have a lot in common. I moved back to my parent's farm a few years ago to help my mother when my father was suffering from heart failure. We nursed him back to health and then I got injured and became progressively disabled. Now my parents are nursing me and I can't work either. Hell, there are days when I can barely move. And I'm begging the government for financial assistance as a result. I got hurt at work and we have laws in Canada to take care of people like me but it's been a fight and after two years I still haven't gotten proper recompense. Dealing with that is the most demoralizing part. Sometimes I wish I had just gone ahead and sued my employers but that option is off the table now. So, I live so far under the poverty level that it's almost funny. Almost. I'm 38, impoverished, disabled, living with and dependent on my parents, and I haven't been happier in all my life! I'm not kidding. I have challenges with both of my parents, they can be very difficult at times. But I treasure this time with them nonetheless. The positives outweigh the negatives, as they always do.
IMHO, you're in the right place. Rage was a big one for me, too, as I'm sure it has been for others here. But again it was Buddhist practice that helped me with the anger. Since Buddhism goes to the very root of ALL suffering, there is no aspect of my life that it hasn't made better. And being here has given me the jump start I needed because I can't get out very much at all and I'm very isolated on this farm in the middle of nowhere. But this site makes me feel like my house is full of friends 24 hours a day. I never feel isolated or lonely and the resources here have been simply miraculous.
I hope to hear more from you and we'll see about that thread regarding dealing with physical pain and injury.
Much love,
Brigid
* Did you know that Tenzin Gyatso tells us that, as a young child, he had such a terrible temper that he left scars on his brother's cheeks from scratching him? He has had to 'work with' anger all his life. You are not alone.
* Changing "Mr Devious" to "Mr Honest" or some such could be a public statement of intent.
This is about as Buddhist as you can get.
"All that we are is the result of what we have thought: it is founded on our thoughts, it is made up of our thoughts. If a man speaks or acts with an evil thought, pain follows him, as the wheel follows the foot of the ox that draws the carriage." — Dhammapada
So we must change the way we think about events if we don't wish to experience emotional pain.
From the same book on cognitive therapy:
This is not to argue that a person's emotional problems are simply created in her head but that the impact of adverse events (e.g. job loss) can be greatly exacerbated by the person's unhelpful thoughts and beliefs that interfere with her ability to cope constructively with such events (e.g. 'I shouldn't have lost my job. I'm worthless without one').
Buddha
Reading this, one has to take into account the probability that there is resistance going on. While the overt goal may say "I want to get better and live a pain-free life" this may conflict with the real covert goal (e.g., avoding the pressures of having to deal with work-a-day world). There is an understandable tension that is always manifest as a result of this condition. Given more time, with more of a positive emphasis on the 'yes' part of your life and not the 'but' part, you will do fine.
About the whole "being a buddhist" thing though, I think I didn't phrase myself quite right. I'm not actually concerned with the title, I just meant more giving up buddhist practice, because at the time I figured it couldn't help me. But after listening to these posts I realized that it's not buddhism that's failing, it was my interpretation of it. my biggest lesson here was that the state of mind we try to attain is not the state of mind we're obligued to have, and a denial of negative feelings isn't what leads to liberation.
I forget the user name (sorry), but the member here who said they went through the same thing as me and lives with their parents now really gave me a lot of hope for my situation... well, you all did actually, but speaking in that specific situation
Well, I may be very stressed right now (especially since keeping up in school is worrying me right now), but I think you're all right that I need to stay the path and not expect immediate results. It's unfortunate that I've been considering joining a temple in my city forever, but I just can't get up the nerve to get out there and actually approach people. but if it means anything these forums have been my temple, and you've all imparted some great wisdom.
lol, actaully simon I just kept that user name because i've used it for years and wanted to keep things simple and easy to remember:tonguec:
I'm saddened to hear what you are going through. Ironically my life its almost identical. I say this not to trivialize your situation, but merely to show you that, you are not alone..
As for not having any friends, you are welcome to talk to me. Im also "SAD", but, I'm always trying to reach out...
I must warn you that I have been described as being a pathetic friend.. On the positive side, this makes me try harder though.
As for giving up Buddhism. I think I know how you feel. Im assuming you have reached a stage where you feel "Why the heck am I bothering. Im screwed. What does it matter"
I regularly feel that but then I have a chat with my mother, who, er, is the only person in this planet who still cares (i don't blame humanity for this, I'm probably responsible).
Why do you feel you will always be alone? They say everyone has someone.. just for them...
I think I know how frustrated you must feel with life, all I can say is, I admire you for fighting back and going on.
As for definitions, I think you should definitely call yourself a Buddhist. In the face of extreme adversity you have clearly fought on. Thats being a Buddhist to me.
I call myself a Buddhist. (sometimes, when nobody is listening). and I'm... well... generally pathetic. so, if you stop calling yourself a Buddhist, I'd probably have to stop calling myself one as I'm probably worse than you...
Either way... good luck with your journey. May you find what you seek..
Note: Just my opinion here... hope u dont mind..
Now that I'm outed as an RN, please take this advice as personal not professional. These are things that helped me along with Buddhism.
One thing that I had to do is deal with reality. I was angry over years of childhood abuse. You see, I had the right to be angry for the rest of my days for what that s.o.b. did to me. Forgiveness wasn't needed because he deserved my wrath. The depression that was my constant companion was in cahoots (if that is a word) with the anger to keep me down. I had to face the real pain and sadness in my life. Now, that is different for everyone and what causes it. I'm not saying this in the band-aid way of pop psychology but as one who has gone through it. This may be un-Buddhist but it worked. My anger, pain, and sadness are deal with. The truth be known, I'm going back into therapy to deal with some issues that have come up related to an accident I had 15 months ago that has left me in bad shape physically.
Now, I will never tell you what painkiller or anti anxiety is best. It is really dependent on type of pain and intensity. I'm on one type around the clock and another for breakthrough pain. The around the clock is doing a decent job as long as I stay still. It's when I try to be normal that it hurts. LOL!
As for antianxiety drugs, BEWARE! You have to take them as prescribed and no more. They can be addictive. I was on one for muscle spasms and stopped taking them as I liked how I felt on them. And I'm not saying that it helped the muscle spasms but I didn't care about them when on this drug. There is a class called the selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors (SSRI for short) that is non-addictive. They take 4-6 weeks to work. Sometimes a doctor will put you on the addictive form of antianxiety drugs for the 4-6 weeks that the SSRI's need to kick in. But the SSRI I take saved my life.
Hope this information is helpful.
Palzang
You better be right as I expect one frickin' fantastic garden! Of the mind I meant. And as long as I have a fabulous indoors also. But that darn Bed, Bath and Beyond is so expensive.