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I'm growing weary
Talisman
Veteran
I've been absorbing so much information for the last 8 months or so regarding different sutras and traditions and forms of meditation and theory and commentary and history of Buddhism, it adherants, its teachings, its methods, its teachers, etc. I feel like I have learned so much from so many sources including the diverse and interesting people on this site.
But through it all, I actually feel more bogged down than ever. I've definitely made some serious improvements, in getting back to school, understansding and coming to terms with aspects of my own personality, and realizing, even for a moment, the monumental truths behind reality and my existence.
Right now, though, I really miss simply living my life. I'm so tired of judging every action and thought I have, wondering what buddha or some other teacher would think of me. In the last week, I've been trying to relax more on my studies and put more time into being close to my girlfriend and exploring who and what I am on a real, human, social, and intellectual level. I'm trying to figure out the things I really enjoy doing without trying to figure out if it would be "acceptable" according to the sutras. And honestly, I feel a lot better about myself, even though I haven't been meditating as frequently.
I'm not a monk, and I don't want to pretend to be. It's not my place or even desire to know every detail and word and nuance of Shakyamuni's teachings. I'd much rather just try my best to be a nicer, calmer, and more hard-working individual in order to make life easier for those closest to me and for those less fortunate than me. I'm just so tired of defending my actions against myself. I'm not perfect, and I don't want to be.
When I meditate, I just want to be able to sit down and settle myself. Not because I want or need nirvana or anything of the sort, but because I need an opportunity to step away from the hectic frustration and challenges of daily life in order to balance and center myself. I feel like devotion to myself can be the same thing as devotion to the jewels. I am the Buddha, the Dharma, and the Sangha. I don't need to keep looking somewhere else for the answers to questions I never should have been asking.
I love and revere and embrace the dharma. I cannot imagine my life without its refuge. I just feel like I have been going so hard at it all. I'm not really trying to ask anything, I just wanted to put this all out there into the universe.
With love
-T
But through it all, I actually feel more bogged down than ever. I've definitely made some serious improvements, in getting back to school, understansding and coming to terms with aspects of my own personality, and realizing, even for a moment, the monumental truths behind reality and my existence.
Right now, though, I really miss simply living my life. I'm so tired of judging every action and thought I have, wondering what buddha or some other teacher would think of me. In the last week, I've been trying to relax more on my studies and put more time into being close to my girlfriend and exploring who and what I am on a real, human, social, and intellectual level. I'm trying to figure out the things I really enjoy doing without trying to figure out if it would be "acceptable" according to the sutras. And honestly, I feel a lot better about myself, even though I haven't been meditating as frequently.
I'm not a monk, and I don't want to pretend to be. It's not my place or even desire to know every detail and word and nuance of Shakyamuni's teachings. I'd much rather just try my best to be a nicer, calmer, and more hard-working individual in order to make life easier for those closest to me and for those less fortunate than me. I'm just so tired of defending my actions against myself. I'm not perfect, and I don't want to be.
When I meditate, I just want to be able to sit down and settle myself. Not because I want or need nirvana or anything of the sort, but because I need an opportunity to step away from the hectic frustration and challenges of daily life in order to balance and center myself. I feel like devotion to myself can be the same thing as devotion to the jewels. I am the Buddha, the Dharma, and the Sangha. I don't need to keep looking somewhere else for the answers to questions I never should have been asking.
I love and revere and embrace the dharma. I cannot imagine my life without its refuge. I just feel like I have been going so hard at it all. I'm not really trying to ask anything, I just wanted to put this all out there into the universe.
With love
-T
0
Comments
Be mindful whatever you do and aware and you are practicing well. If you don't judge your experience as wrong then you are practicing correctly. (which doesn't exclude bad feelings, discernment, etc..)
And meditation needn't be about being mindful of thoughts, thought patterns, or have any goal or assignment like that, IMO. I enjoy meditation as a sort of mental vacation. I enjoy the mental quietude.
It sounds like you've already realized a lot of benefit from your dharma studies and practice. Don't overdo. And it's not about trying to second-guess yourself, or creating an imaginary judge who's watching your every move. Yikes! It sounds like you're a little stressed, a little wound up about this. Relax. Let that go. Don't cling to "being a good Buddhist." You know how to be a good person. Just be yourself.
nevermind
Sometimes when we study too much, we cultivate deeper patterns of self-criticism. I'm really happy you're relaxing! Do you practice metta? It helps quiet criticism of ourselves and others.
With warmth,
Matt
So you obviously feel heavy now, not good. Keep it light.
Keep it balanced. Go take a long walk, even that helps. Or chanting helps too.
I'd say everything is A-okay
I remember having a few debates with you as you always seemed to *know* the answer to everything and knew *everything* about buddhism. And I remember thinking 'this isn't healthy for this person'
I even remember saying 'you need to chill with all this devotion to buddhism which you have'
But good for you finally taking a step back.
Enjoy life. Chill more.
This is why I love zen so much because its not just about buddhism all the time. "There is a difference between zen and buddhism"
Zen is more chilled out. You have time to live your life.
It becomes where 'you don't think of zen but your always breathing zen' like second nature.
Its all just caught up on u.
Too much knowledge is no knowledge..
I've always said that 'real' buddhism is in the heart.
And the heart opens up most when we want to listen.
For some we can listen best during meditation or just after or even whilst running..
Just go through your days doing what u wanna do.
Perhaps meditate every other day but like u said 'not to achieve anything' not for nivanna..just do it coz u enjoy sitting.
I enjoy sitting when I sit. If other benifits come along then great.
Just like running. I love running, but I don't run because it keeps me fit, that's just a bonus..
You have to enjoy what your doing in life, otherwise sooner or later you'll come to a brick wall and you won't know whether to climb it,crawl under it, bash through it....etc etc..
The more we know, the more headaches..
Good luck anyway. X
In my current awareness , there are no rules in Buddhism , no practise , no culture , no teaching , nothing is right act or wrong act , or you must do this or do that in Buddhism . I am totally free to act , to do , to imagine but I must understand that I am at all time aware of my action . My action must always reflect my awareness not solely on my ego , or solely on my desire or compassion that is something I learned said to be from a guy called Mr Siddharta - by being awake .
Do any action , have any intention but must awake . Buddhism is in my daily life practise as I never "pray" , never chant , never read books , never meditate , never learn all the difficult words used in describing Siddharta's teaching but yes I know Buddha involve in all my action or my intention . Is always exciting , fun , interesting knowing Buddha at all time .....never tired , never boring....forget being a "buddhist" or follow any rules as there are NO rules in Buddhism .....enjoy your time here , enjoy good energy of love , kindness , compassion and sincerity as these energy is closer to purity but in purity nothing is exist not even compassion .That my awareness now...perhaps not tomorrow as I am keep changing as I learn....
I think I understand what you're going through, and I'd like to echo the sentiments of those who have suggested that you are 'trying too hard' (to crudely paraphrase).
But more importantly, I note that you said you don't want to achieve Nirvana. This seems like an important realization. I'm a relatively new student of the Buddhist traditions, but it seems to me that the most critical component to Buddhist thought and practice is the desire to achieve cessation of suffering. We all know that, here, no doubt - but is that what we all really want? For my case, the answer has usually been "No! I want embodiment, I want dharma (in the Hindu sense), I want to suffer and explore infinity instance by awful, painful, confused instance! That is joy! In this joy, suffering is swept up and transmuted by context!"
It is only recently that I have begun to be aware of how profound the thread of suffering is, even when it is at its most subtle. I have always craved something like the joy the 'Devas' must feel, but now I have come to understand the subtle, keening agony which would mar even that state. Thus, I am close to calling myself a Buddhist.
Look, I've gotten all windy and wordy in my second post on this forum. I apologize. The thought that I wish to convey to you is that you should go further with your studies if you feel an abiding awareness of your own suffering and you truly wish to go beyond it. Otherwise, you should you should 'take a break' and live your life as you feel it must be lived. If you keep trying to force the dharma teachings when they have no true goal or application, you may come to resent them and thus diminish the power they might have had to help you when you most need it.
This is why rituals are done. To energize a practice.