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I can't escape
Talisman
Veteran
I feel like I have these goals for who and what I am trying to "become." Specifically, I imagine great thinkers and writers and poets and philosophers of whom I have learned and read, and I wish to live my life with the same sense of purpose, integrity, conviction, confidence, and vigor by which they seemed to have lived their own lives. I want to do away with the superfluous bullshit in my life, like my obsession with video games, and sex, and worrying what others think of me, and trying to impress others.
I feel like I have been putting some effort toward making change in myself, but I still haven't reached a point where it's like, "Today is it!" "Today, I am going to get up and nothing will be the same." "Today I am going to live my life the way it was meant to be lived!"
Instead its like there is this sense of hesitancy. Like I'm afraid to change too much out of fear of losing friends or being viewed as different or strange beacause I suddenly lose interest in what used to interest me. My girlfriend already says I change "all the time," and that she can't keep up with me. But, that's the way I think it should be. Constant evolution. No stagnation.
I'm just kind of word vomitting here. Anyone else ever feel this way?
I feel like I have been putting some effort toward making change in myself, but I still haven't reached a point where it's like, "Today is it!" "Today, I am going to get up and nothing will be the same." "Today I am going to live my life the way it was meant to be lived!"
Instead its like there is this sense of hesitancy. Like I'm afraid to change too much out of fear of losing friends or being viewed as different or strange beacause I suddenly lose interest in what used to interest me. My girlfriend already says I change "all the time," and that she can't keep up with me. But, that's the way I think it should be. Constant evolution. No stagnation.
I'm just kind of word vomitting here. Anyone else ever feel this way?
0
Comments
This is where meditation comes in handy. Not overnight and not by tomorrow morning, the experience that meditation provides through patient and courageous and constant application is that bit by bit the something-else's and the someone-else's recede. Who else could you possibly be? What else could you possibly be? Where else could you possibly be? How else could you possibly be? You're right -- you can't escape, but since you cannot escape, the need to escape dwindles with meditation practice.
Many people spend their whole lives pipe-dreaming about some lottery-sized shazzam (look out heaven, here I come!) and what they end up with is a mind blurred with dust. It's not necessary, but it is common enough.
Best wishes.
I suppose what I'm really trying to explain is that I feel drawn to spend a lot of time hanging out with friends who like to party and smoke and gossip and whatnot, when I am losing interest in those things. I don't want anyone to feel like I look down upon them at all or that I don't enjoy their company or companionship, but it's difficult at times.
I get where you are coming from and I completely agree. Thanks for the response.
_/\_
(allinone here)
The second comment you made if you recall my talking about the party I went to with everything drinking. Its the setting sun mentality that Trungpa Rinpoche talks about and we are waking up to the great eastern sun rather than living in the setting sun 'cacoon' world. Its falling apart on you (ego) and you are getting nervous. Smile.
I often use the term "tunneling" in my own life to mean "nose to the grind stone". It is necessary to control your focus into the areas of thought leading your forward in your tunnel. When you come up for air, things are not as you left them, and you will find yourself reinvented.
If you've made your mind up about something, there isn't anything left but to do it. Doubts, fears, and disbelief in your own capabilities do nothing. They exist only to confuse a self who is already confused. Wanting is different from being. If you want without being, you are dead. If you be without wanting, you are saved.
"The concept of Buddhism is to follow one's own path, and the decisions that follow whether they be skillful or not, in the end, whether this is my final life or not, all actions continue on the path of Nirvana, so one could be enlightened while being unenlightened, the 5 precepts could be a guideline, if anything I view "Enlightenment" as an earthly view of Nirvana, and the 5 precepts are used as a guide to view it, if everything exists, and doesn't exist at the same time, then, we have all, already reached Nirvana, and in theory, whatever we do now, would only matter in the current moment, which is the only thing we are guaranteed, everyone is clouded and everyone is enlightened, we live, and yet, don't. Food for thought, Buddha once said,"Don't accept anything unless it completely agrees with you and your beliefs, even anything I say or do." (Paraphrased, but the general idea remains.) I appreciate and respect all of your ideas, views, and lifestyle choices, in fact, whether I walk away changed or not, the fact that we had this conversation, we have all gained knowledge, if nothing else, of each other's existence, and that, in the end has brought us closer together, and even further, to Nirvana, where we are all one."
Be at peace, brother.
When you feel like you're not getting anywhere, especially in your profession or even hobby, it's helpful to talk to a beginner and remember you used to be them.
When you find yourself thinking about something that has a small circle, stop. Refocus yourself on what you've planned your proportions of thought-time to be. Control yourself in the direction you wish to go.
Just been really understanding this!
Working on detoxing information/knowledge!