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Helping others and being treated badly
Help!! i am struggling with how certain situations work. I am what i would say an overly helpful person, l will do anything for anyone and dont mind at all. I have some friends who really are not nice people and although l repeately help them out. They are not very nice to me when the dont need my help anymore, ignorant and dishonest!! how do l deal with these people in my life? currently i get stressed and angry with them and feel used but i dont want to feel that way anymore its such a waste of my energy!
Thanks
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Though they are sort of faith-based in that they mention a higher power, and some even use the "g" word. If you are okay with that it could be worth looking into.
Like genkaku says it's okay to say no, especially if it's hurting you that people are ungrateful for what you are offering up to them, or if they are treating you poorly.
Dana is one thing, being taken advantage of quite another, and if it truly feels bad, stop.
It is a great day when you still have compassion but you care about yourself as much as you care about others damage.
noun
1. a person attached to another by feelings of affection or personal regard.
2. a person who gives assistance; patron; supporter: friends of the Boston Symphony.
3. a person who is on good terms with another; a person who is not hostile: Who goes there? Friend or foe?
I don't see anything in here about "treats like crap". Just saying...
"In the same way, Rahula, bodily actions, verbal actions, & mental actions are to be done with repeated reflection.
"Whenever you want to do a bodily action, you should reflect on it:
"While you are doing a bodily action, you should reflect on it:
"Having done a bodily action, you should reflect on it: 'This bodily action I have done — did it lead to self-affliction, to the affliction of others, or to both? Was it an unskillful bodily action, with painful consequences, painful results?' If, on reflection, you know that it led to self-affliction, to the affliction of others, or to both; it was an unskillful bodily action with painful consequences, painful results, then you should confess it, reveal it, lay it open to the Teacher or to a knowledgeable companion in the holy life. Having confessed it... you should exercise restraint in the future. But if on reflection you know that it did not lead to affliction... it was a skillful bodily action with pleasant consequences, pleasant results, then you should stay mentally refreshed & joyful, training day & night in skillful mental qualities."
Instructions to Rahula
Its so hard to be treated badly when I have done what I can, its so hard to get my head around it and that's what stresses me out. I feel I am always sat here thinking why why why and again again again. I do think a particular friend has problems beyond what I can do, her nature appears to be take all she can from everyone, when she needs it and leave them out if they haven't got anything to offer. Its very sad and part of me wants her to undestand how her actions affect me, but I think she would just become abusive and irrate!! Its a shame her bare bones are of a nice person.
Thanks again everyone!
Alan
thanks
I do believe that it is important to love others unconditionally. But I don't think that helping unconditionally is always the best way to express that love. Sometimes you have to put conditions on your help so others don't take that help for granted and become dependent on it, or perhaps even expect it as an entitlement.
Alan
so what's the next move for me, to distance myself from those who take take? i do believe they think they are entitled to help from me now, and in times when l am unable to help as l am doing something else, that is when i see a different person than my usual friend! its such hard work. I dont have many friends, years of being treated badly have left me unable to let people get that close, but some are still there due to locality and still the abuse goes on!
When we help others, we feel good. Perhaps you've been enabling instead of helping? I think instead of "distance from those who take take", perhaps you could set and enforce loving but direct boundries. Then, those who are only interested in leeching from you will have to have to look elsewhere, and hopefully find effective help. Here, now, that's obviously not you.
Consider reading a book called Codependent No More. It outlines many of the difficulties you sound like you're experiencing, and helps us see the wisdom and application of proper boundries.
With warmth,
Matt
The next door neighbor? An awful lot of people these days never even meet their neighbors. Why so chummy? If you see your neighbor all you have to do is say hello, then keep walking. People can't be a part of your life unless you let them. Just something to think about.
This is one way to reach the point where you view all beings as equally deserving of your help. And, as we all have lived countless lives there's a high probability that, at some time or other, we've all been each others' mothers, and we can think of all other beings in that sense as well...as deserving of gratitude for caring for us when we would have died otherwise, of wiping the snot from our noses, changing us, healing us, etc. So we should really, having developed a sense of equanimity, feel the same desire to both help others in need and give them what will make them truly happy. And you can and should meditate on this from time to time. So all beings are deserving of our help, when we can effectively give it.
So, how does this relate to your particular dilemma?
For one thing you have limited time and energy and ability to help others, as an ordinary being. So, as many have pointed out, you should address the situations of others skillfully, and, if at all possible, where your efforts may lead to a lessening of suffering, an increase in insight of the person helped, an increase in the love and compassion of the person helped, etc. And so you sometimes just have to pull the plug and temporarily, at least, remove yourself, when your presence does little or nothing to either remove suffering from another or to give them the tools they need to achieve happiness, temporary or permanent. That doesn't mean you should care any less for them. It means that, right now, your efforts aren't bearing fruit, and the energy you are putting into them could and should be used for a better and higher purpose(s), and I think you know what they are. It's very difficult to have a good practice when you attach yourself to another in the way that you describe. Now I've been in exactly your situation, in terms of caring for others. The difference is that I was doing it in a way that, I think, was helpful for all those involved (at one point, for example, my father, mother, and sister were simultaneously in either a hospital or nursing facility recovering from a medical condition; I left my job for a bit to care for them. I have no regrets at all about what I did and I think my efforts were proper in that situation.
You need to gauge whether your efforts are bearing fruit or sapping your strength.
One last comment. If you look for reciprocation from the person you're trying to help you're not cultivating the right attitude. Doctors who treat half-blown up suicide bombers do it because it's a life, a sentient being, not for a thank you from someone who wanted to kill him/her. And we should try to end suffering just because it's suffering and we can't bear to see any sentient being suffer. If you can clearly help this person in a meaningful way and they never thank you then you have done something extraordinary; you have advanced on the path through this pure act, based on compassion and not samsaric need to be liked or appreciated.
Alan