Regretting sticking my oar in...

vixthenomad

A close family friend of mine (let's call her Sarah) has a younger sister (pseudonym Mary) who she pretty much brought up herself. Lately, Mary has become friends with another girl and the two of them have gone completely wild - going out drinking, sleeping with blokes in order to get drinks bought for them and generally being obnoxious and rude to anyone who isn't - well - them, basically. Sarah is really distressed by all this and regularly confides her feelings in me, which I don't mind, and I have managed to keep out of it until now...but Mary, whilst I don't know her very well, is on my Facebook contacts and her bitter rants about the unfairness of everyone who 'judges' her, and her lack of regard for people she is upsetting, were getting a bit much especially since she had recently seriously let Sarah down.

Basically I ended up pointing out to Mary that lying about not being able to babysit her son and then agreeing to go to the cinema with a friend the same evening - and expecting to be able to eat dinner at Sarah's house before going there - was out of order. Cue inevitable backlash of 'what's it to do with you', etc. I responded that if she didn't want people to comment on her situation she shouldn't post it all over Facebook, and that for someone who was supposedly 'happy' she came across very angry. I told her there were other ways of approaching things that didn't involve hating everyone - that she could just shrug off the criticism and get on with her life instead of hurling abuse at everyone who disagreed with her.

What - oh, WHAT - was the point in my doing this? What have I achieved? I genuinely did it in good faith because I was concerned about both my friend and her sister, and I have reread the thread and found that I was matter-of-fact and not abusive or nasty - yet now I could lose my friend over it. After all, it's her SISTER. A blood relative. And I've made things awkward for going over there in the future, not just for me but for the rest of my family too.

I am ready to face and take responsibility for these consequences and any others that may arise, and I own my decision and my actions as mine. I am just really questioning my own wisdom (or lack of) in saying anything in the first place. And yet it had got to the point where I was exposed to this stuff so frequently that I felt it WAS my business. I don't even know what I'm looking for in posting this here. I just feel horribly confused and in need of some perspective.

genkaku

The Christians, as I understand it, have a perfectly acceptable prayer that goes, "Dear Lord, please give him/her a swift kick in the ass!" Since all of us have been jerks in the past and benefited (though not joyfully) from having our idiocies pointed out, there is nothing unusual about your being the ass-kicker in this situation.

Since you are willing to shoulder the responsibilities for your actions, I think you can relax. If someone points out a flaw in what you have said or done and if you agree, then you can try to correct it.

A Zen teacher once pointed out, "Silence is golden and sometimes its color is pure yellow." To assume that because you are a Buddhist means that your actions will be uniformly accepted if not elevated is a cheap-date sort of Buddhism. It's pleasant to be on pleasant terms with people, but trying to be pleasant all the time is inviting a second-hand life ... wussy, smarmy, pseudo-compassionate ... a life full of nonsense.

One of my do-my-best rules in life is never to criticize anyone's kids or pets. Naturally, things don't always work out, since both kids and pets can be really obnoxious. Is it a greater favor to say something or to say nothing? I don't know ... but I can speak my piece and I think you can too.

Best wishes.

Dakini

vix, you've done absolutely nothing wrong. You spoke constructively, honestly, thoughtfully and, I assume, pleasantly, though perhaps firmly, which was appropriate. Young people will be young people. It's an alarming phase she's going through, you did your thoughtful part to plant a bug in here ear about the consequences of her behavior, that's all you can do. It can be difficult and painful to be sitting on the sidelines, watching someone throw their life down the tubes, but in time, she may come to her senses. At this point, you just have to let go. And don't kick yourself; what you did was in its own way, kind and appropriate. I hope this helps.

vixthenomad

Thank you both...it's been a tough day one way and another. Luckily my friend hasn't condemned me, in fact far from it. Apparently the sister has had a lot of people criticise her for how she behaved towards me, although I don't know what was said because I've now blocked her and can't see any of the posts any more.

Dakini

No, why would your friend condemn me for being concerned about her sister, and saying the right thing to her? If intention is right, and speech is thoughtful, etc. ("right speech"), it would be rare that something would go wrong. Just pray or wish her well, and that she'll eventually settle down before she really messes her life up. Beam loving thoughts at her in your meditation.

vinlyn

Written gently -- in another posting you were upset that someone interfered with your Buddhist life. Yet, in this thread you are sort of interfering in their life. I realize the topics are different, but I think challenge is to think through what is the difference between meddling and acting concerned.

vixthenomad

@vinlyn - I've sent you a PM.