Meditation and sadness

gekko

Hello everyone,
I'm new here and this is my first post.
A couple of months ago I considered myself an atheist, however, I felt I lacked something spiritually, like I was empty inside. Until I started reading about Buddhism.
I'd say it changed my life, or, at least, the way I see it. Now I'm always trying to read more and improve my knowledge about it. I'm a new Buddhist.

One thing I never did before was meditation. So at first it was hard to focus only on my breath but I got the hang of it.
However, recently, my girlfriend cheated on me. I'm young (only 18), but I really liked her (I called it love).
As a result, I began to suffer with it. And meditating became an impossible task.

When I try to meditate, some pain emerges right beneath my heart and I can't think of any other thing except what happened. I can't "run away" from those sad thoughts

I have to accept what happened, and I'm trying to move forward, but I the feelings I have for her are a mix of love and hate.

For the first time I'm realizing that meditating when life just doesn't go "so well" can be really really difficult.

Has anyone here felt the same?
Is there some book/article that I should read about meditation that mentions deep sorrow?


Thank you for reading!

tmottes

First off, I am sorry that you have to go through the pain of infidelity. Luckily, everything is impermanent, even suffering. Oddly enough that is the time when you need meditation the most. You don't always have to focus on your breathing. You can feel (not think about) those feelings you have. Don't pass judgement, don't ruminate over the situation, just become absorbed in the feelings. It isn't easy, and when you find yourself thinking, just gently and compassionately redirect your focus to the feelings you are having.

Another thing you can do is metta meditations, there are many articles and references to this on the internet and other threads here.

Also, you might try volunteering to help others. This redirects that painful energy to lessening others suffering. In turn, your suffering will also be lessened. Just remember to not suppress or encourage.

Mountains

Hi Gekko -

Welcome to the community! I'm so glad to see young people who have discovered the dharma - I only wish I had done so myself when I was your age. It sounds like you're off to a great start on your journey. Meditation is essential.

Has anyone here felt the same? I'd venture to say that there's not a single member here who hasn't experienced losing someone they felt deeply for. It's part of being human and growing up. You're only 18, and I'd also venture to say this won't be your last such experience But the first time always hurts the most. I remember it well, even though it's been *many* years ago!

Meditation isn't always, nor in fact even is it often easy. But the more you do it, the 'easier' it becomes. The key is to stick with it, and just be aware of whatever may come up, whether you perceive it as good or bad. Don't judge whatever it is, just observe it, and let it go. It won't be quick and it probably won't be painless, but eventually you'll be able to let her go and find peace with the situation. Hate is a powerful emotion that only breeds more and more unhappiness and dissatisfaction for you, and it serves no useful purpose here. Just understand that young people with raging hormones tend to fall quickly and hard, and when that ends, it just plain old hurts. But it's also rare (in the extreme) for someone of your age to truly know that "she's the one", even though it may well seem that way at the time. Odds are you'll need to sample a few more bottles until you find the wine that truly tingles your palate (if you catch my drift)

Just keep meditating and all will be well.

Meantime, I wish you the best, and again, welcome to the forum!

Peace

_/\_

gekko

@tmottes,

I'm glad I read a few weeks ago that, like you said, everything is impermanent. It has helped me understand why she could have done that to me, I now see that her feelings changed and "this" happened.

I'll try to focus on my feelings, even tough I'm sure it will "hurt". But life is suffering, right? Perhaps facing it will help me overcome it.

Thank you for your suggestions, I'll take them seriously.


@Mountains,

I'm really glad as well I have discovered the Dharma. Life gained meaning with it.

And you're right, at this age, hormones are just out of control, but this caught me off guard. I shouldn't have gotten too attached to this relationship, but it was too late. Of course I never thought she was "the one", that would be a waste of time. I enjoyed every second of what we had and never thought of the future.
What happened was a huge disappointment.

Mountains

Ah, young love Enjoy it. All of it. The pleasure and the pain. And write a journal about it. In 30 years you'll be glad you did!

gekko

I'm glad I came here
I didn't know if I should keep meditating, now I know I mustn't stop.

tmottes

@gekko "Life is suffering" is NOT accurate. I am not trying to split hairs, but if life were suffering then killing ourselves would be an out, but that isn't the case. Suffering is an unavoidable part of life, but not the same things as life. You have the right idea to enjoy every second of what you have at the time.

I agree with @Mountains, you should write a journal about it. I enjoy looking back at what I wrote 10 years ago and seeing how I have matured and progressed in my practice.

gekko

@tmottes ,
Thank you for correcting me. You're right, suffering is a part of life, not life.
I've always seen life as a mixture of good and happy moments and bad and unhappy moments.

I just don't know if I should be so attached to the good things, because at some point they will end. I've been thinking a lot about it recently.

tmottes

@gekko I was just going to post something that I find to be particularly helpful in my life, along the line of which you just spoke.

You've probably heard the rumor that Buddhism is pessimistic, that "Life is suffering" is the Buddha's first noble truth. It's a rumor with good credentials, spread by well-respected academics and meditation teachers alike, but a rumor nonetheless. The real truth about the noble truths is far more interesting. The Buddha taught four truths — not one — about life: There is suffering, there is a cause for suffering, there is an end of suffering, and there is a path of practice that puts an end to suffering. These truths, taken as a whole, are far from pessimistic. They're a practical, problem-solving approach — the way a doctor approaches an illness, or a mechanic a faulty engine. You identify a problem and look for its cause. You then put an end to the problem by eliminating the cause.

What's special about the Buddha's approach is that the problem he attacks is the whole of human suffering, and the solution he offers is something human beings can do for themselves. Just as a doctor with a surefire cure for measles isn't afraid of measles, the Buddha isn't afraid of any aspect of human suffering. And, having experienced a happiness that's totally unconditional, he's not afraid to point out the suffering and stress inherent in places where most of us would rather not see it — in the conditioned pleasures we cling to. He teaches us not to deny that suffering and stress, or to run away from it, but to stand still and face up to it. To examine it carefully. That way — by understanding it — we can ferret out its cause and put an end to it. Totally. How confident can you get?

You can still experience those good things and experience the feelings that come along with those good things, just realize they are impermanent and not cling to them . Sounds like you have a good head on your shoulders.

Welcome by the way.

gekko

Wow,
If there has ever been a better time to read that, it's right now.
I knew that it was up to us to create our own happiness, but I never quite knew how to deal with problems.

Thank you very much for posting that

tmottes

You will find that there are many people on here with much better advice and information than I. Stick around and you will learn a lot, but don't let it ever become a substitution for your meditation practice. That is really from where the insights and happiness arise.

gekko

I get it, keep meditating. I've just seen the tip of the iceberg and I've realized that meditation is beneficial to me.

What happened as made it a lot tougher and I didn't know how to react to it.

tmottes

:thumbsup:

DhammaDhatu

When I try to meditate, some pain emerges right beneath my heart and I can't think of any other thing except what happened. I can't "run away" from those sad thoughts

Thank you for reading!

Thank you for posting!

Meditation will bring you understanding and (eventually) help heal your heart

Best wishes

Mountains

What happened as made it a lot tougher...

Ever seen those guys in India (or wherever it is) who walk on white hot glowing charcoal? They're able to do that because the soles of their feet are tough as nails. And guess how they got that way?

gekko

@Dhamma Dhatu ,
I'm glad to hear that, thank you

@Mountains ,
once again you're right. It's up to me to overcome this and learn from it.

YoungBuddhist

Welcome gekko, I feel that I can very strongly relate to your situation because a couple of months ago my girlfriend cheated on me as well (which you can see in my other discussion if you want), and it was her cheating and the emotions i was dealing with that brought me to Buddhism. I will try to give you what help I can-

Try to break all contact if you haven't already, staying in contact will only make it more difficult for you.
When you meditate, think of someone who you love, even if its a puppy or your parents. Then start expanding your love and spreading it to other people, to your family, then your friends, then all the people you dont know, and then your (ex?)-girlfriend.
This was the most difficult part for me personally, but one of your goals should be to want her to be happy. The most selfless thing you could possibly do would be to accept that she may be happier with someone else or just being single.
Heres a post that another member, SimpleWitness, had written a while back. When i read it i felt very inspired and began to look at my own situation in a new light- i hope he doesnt mind if i post it here, its just such a great story.

SimpleWitness July 24 QuoteFlag
Member
Here's a story:
I was in Tahoe for a week before I came back home. I saw a brand new car parked in my driveway. When I walked into my room I caught my wife in our bed with my best friend. I was shocked, but, I apologized to them both and closed the door.

I left for a Tazo mint tea at Starbucks for a while so that they could finish talking or have breakfast, which I'm sure that they didn't.

However, at least it is known that no fear lingered in the home. Our children would have been made uneasy otherwise. She called me to let me know that he had left. I finished my tea and went home. She was sobbing and apologizing and all of that stuff. This woke the kids. I remember giving her a glass of water and making breakfast for our little ones. The more I saw, the more I realized that our family was suffering an ailment. So, I just ate.

My wife kept trying to get me to talk about it in front of the kids. We just continued to eat. I caressed her cheek after we had finished eating and walked with her into the living room so that she could lie on the couch. I put the music on and gave her another full glass of water. Trusting that would calm her down, went back to the kitchen to clean the dishes and focus on the kids.

As I was washing the dishes, I just stopped thinking. My mind was blank until the pictures appeared on the screen of my mind upon memory: "I recalled that the feeling of burning began in my stomach when I had first opened the door and saw them. Then I saw the Tea that I was drinking and realized that it was a good choice for the nerves and the stomach. Also, on the screen of the mind, my wife was seen without joy while she was with me. I realized how young the kids were, and understood that a young seed is easily corrected."

I called off work that day. I got the kids dressed and took them to the baby sitters. Last, I took my ex-wife with some of her things to her sister's house.

I am now a single father. She is now married to my best friend. We have all found joy and I am ever present for them all. We now get along very well.

So, what if it doesn't work in the way that we expect it to? The greater vehicle has it that it does in other fulfilling ways. All we have to do is be a witness to everything that we are experiencing.

zen_world

Hi,
In my opinion, if you cannot meditate because of your broken hearth, then don't meditate. Because you are new to meditation, it may be very hard for you to sit in peace and concentrate in this situation. You may lose your interest in meditation quickly if you keep failing to sit quietly. Deal with your broken hearth first, let it ease,go out with your friends, watch movies, distract your mind. Then later when things are settled you can always get back to your meditation. It wouldn't be nice to associate meditation with your heavy sad feelings at this stage. I am just worried that you may develop dislike to meditation in your case.

zen_world

That story of @simplewitness is incredible. I am amazed how he kept his calmness in a situation like that. Respect.
Forgiving someone in that situation is godly. Only God can have so much forgiveness.
Wow! Probably I would lose it if I see one of my ex girlfriends in bed with my close friend. Very inspiring story.

pegembara

[Is there some book/article that I should read about meditation that mentions deep sorrow? ]

Reflect that separation from loved ones is a fact of life. Here is the story of Kisagotami who went to the Buddha for help after losing her only child and the most direct way the Buddha taught her.

http://path.homestead.com/kisagotami.html

gekko

@YoungBuddhist ,
she came to me. Said she was very sorry and wanted to keep our friendship.
I know I want to keep it as well, but I did not gave her an answer because presently I won't be there for her. I want space from her for an undetermined amount of time. I've meditated on that: I still like her the way I did so, like you said, it would only hurt even more if I kept contact with her.

Indeed, SimpleWitness's story is amazing. Very inspiring. It is a totally different way to approach situations like these.

@zen_world ,
If I begin to feel frustrated while I try to meditate I'll stop, so I wont relate my feelings to meditation.
And I've been doing exactly what you said: going out trying to have fun - it's been very important to me.

@pegembara ,
great reading there, losing someone dear to us is a part of life. Thank you for posting that story

YoungBuddhist

Maybe you can explain to her that you just need some space for a while, and then you can be friends again when you're ready. She will probably understand this and no further harm will be done.

Cloud

@gekko
When you meditate, hold to the understanding that at one point things were okay without this person. To the understanding that many years from now you will probably be with someone entirely different, and be happy. Bring yourself right to the present moment and see that you are complete and whole no matter what the situation may be. Your life circumstances will change, there will be ups and downs, but right now through your meditation practice you are trying to see how suffering arises and can cease. Leave your life circumstances "outside" when you meditate.

SimpleWitness

@gekko

When this happens, surround your being with innocence.

Children are the masters of this. Learn from them by witnessing what they do.

Be as a child.

maarten

Don't forget to cry as well. Meditation can create a bit of distance, and help you see things in perspective, but if you feel sad it's good and healthy to cry about it.