Expectations

ClayTheScribe

So as I'm growing in my awareness, I've started to notice that a lot of my depression, anxiety and anger stems from my expectations on the future. I expect this person will call me back by 1 p.m. They do not and I feel frustrated, annoyed and anxious. I know that stems from me clinging to those expectations and not seeing the present moment as it is and instead how I feel it should be. What meditations can I do to help me better let go of expectations and how should I approach this in my everyday life? I would eventually like to live a life where I don't have expectations on the future at all.

Mountains

I don't know that there's an easy answer to that question, but I'll tell you how I'd handle something like your example. Unless it were a matter of life and death (and how often is that really the case?), if they didn't call me back by 1:00 like they said, I'd give it a little bit, then email, text, or call them. If they didn't answer or respond, I'd tell myself "oh well, move on" and just.. well.. move on. There's usually a good reason that it's often hard to see from our vantage point.

Of course that's just one theoretical example, but lots of things work basically the same way. Look at what a beautiful day it is. Look at what a nice breakfast you had. Look at whether any of this "stuff" is really that important.

Peace

taiyaki

just be. accept that the mind does its thing.

in beingness we are in total acceptance of what is. we do not do beingness. we just are beingness.
rest in non dual awareness, which can be felt as a spacious presence in meditation. bring such meditation in all aspects of life.

in just being you are accepting. in accepting you are seeing what is. in seeing what is you are letting go. you aren't, but awareness is just seeing what is and by seeing what is, you continuously realize the dharma. all the poisons come and go. all the fruits come and go. everything comes and go. yet here is this awareness, which is clear, spacious, empty and stable.

in just seeing, buddha nature is. Feel it in the body. cultivate such presence and spaciousness. rest in the emptiness, which is a fullness. from this space you can respond. from this space you can watch all the tourists come and go. all of it is impermanent, empty of self, and completely lacking of any inherent satisfaction.

the game is surrender. just be. it's neither hard or easy. the mind asserts its role. there is nothing for you to do. just be.

YoungBuddhist

this happens to all of us at some time or another, when the time comes and goes where you were expecting something to happen, i find it sometimes helps to keep my mind occupied with some other activity- be it meditation, playing an instrument, writing down my thoughts, etc. Notice your impatience when it comes about and understand that everything is impermanent, every event that we plan for is subject to change. And if after a while you still do not hear from that person, then as Mountains said just move on. The only problems that exist are the ones that we create with our own minds.

ClayTheScribe

just be. accept that the mind does its thing.

in beingness we are in total acceptance of what is. we do not do beingness. we just are beingness.
rest in non dual awareness, which can be felt as a spacious presence in meditation. bring such meditation in all aspects of life.

in just being you are accepting. in accepting you are seeing what is. in seeing what is you are letting go. you aren't, but awareness is just seeing what is and by seeing what is, you continuously realize the dharma. all the poisons come and go. all the fruits come and go. everything comes and go. yet here is this awareness, which is clear, spacious, empty and stable.

in just seeing, buddha nature is. Feel it in the body. cultivate such presence and spaciousness. rest in the emptiness, which is a fullness. from this space you can respond. from this space you can watch all the tourists come and go. all of it is impermanent, empty of self, and completely lacking of any inherent satisfaction.

the game is surrender. just be. it's neither hard or easy. the mind asserts its role. there is nothing for you to do. just be.

How?

taiyaki

stop asking question. sit. meditate. wrestle with your mind until you keep failing. KEEP FAILING.
then you will eventually surrender. when you surrender there will be tremendous bliss. KEEP GOING.
keep fighting until you realize the fighting won't work. you have to go through it, we all do.
then you'll just be. neither pushing or pulling. just this.

practice and practice and practice. fuck all these words. only go straight. sit and meditate. just be there. BE WITH the PROCESS. there is no end goal. meditation itself is the goal. just SIT.

maarten

Hi Clay,

I would try to take the relation between expectations and depression as a starting point for a meditation. You can first meditate on how clinging to the future makes you depressed in the present, and how silly that is. Then, in the second part of the meditation, you can just try to let go of all tension and relax in the present moment. I would also add a third part, where I tell myself that I will no longer allow thoughts about the future to disturb my awareness of the present moment.

Take care
Maarten

pegembara

@Clay

How do you feel when your expectations are not met?
Is it dukkha/stressful or sukha/pleasing?
Do you want what is dukkha to be yours?
Would you still feel agitated if you stop having expectations?

Regards

Dakini

Clay, this expecting a phone call thing--would that be a social call? So, if they don't call when they said they would, could there possibly be some fear of rejection at the base of that frustration and anxiety? Just a wild guess. If so, that's fairly common, though maybe not the anxiety. As you work on building yourself a social life, this will come up. Try not to take the lack of follow-through on the phone calls personally. And if I'm wrong about the nature of the problem, kindly disregard this post.

seeker242

So as I'm growing in my awareness, I've started to notice that a lot of my depression, anxiety and anger stems from my expectations on the future. I expect this person will call me back by 1 p.m. They do not and I feel frustrated, annoyed and anxious. I know that stems from me clinging to those expectations and not seeing the present moment as it is and instead how I feel it should be. What meditations can I do to help me better let go of expectations and how should I approach this in my everyday life? I would eventually like to live a life where I don't have expectations on the future at all.

Breathing in and out meditation or counting breath meditation. Doing this you gain skill in letting go of these thoughts and that skill can be utilized with any situation in everyday life, once you gain skill in it.

just be. accept that the mind does its thing.

in beingness we are in total acceptance of what is. we do not do beingness. we just are beingness.
rest in non dual awareness, which can be felt as a spacious presence in meditation. bring such meditation in all aspects of life.

in just being you are accepting. in accepting you are seeing what is. in seeing what is you are letting go. you aren't, but awareness is just seeing what is and by seeing what is, you continuously realize the dharma. all the poisons come and go. all the fruits come and go. everything comes and go. yet here is this awareness, which is clear, spacious, empty and stable.

in just seeing, buddha nature is. Feel it in the body. cultivate such presence and spaciousness. rest in the emptiness, which is a fullness. from this space you can respond. from this space you can watch all the tourists come and go. all of it is impermanent, empty of self, and completely lacking of any inherent satisfaction.

the game is surrender. just be. it's neither hard or easy. the mind asserts its role. there is nothing for you to do. just be.

How?

Sit there and just breath in and out.

AMH

this made me think of one similar thing I figured out after going through this process. I realized that i had an issue with conflict so someone not calling me back was about possibly facing conflict and then deciding what to do with it, and then since I wasn't very skillful about conflict realizing I may not do it well, and then dealing with finally actually facing the conflict, screwing it up, and trying again. But also realizing that even screwing up the conflict was not the end of the world. So my expectatin underlying so many other expectations was if I did things well i would not have to face conflict, when rather we all face conflict.

So that is just an example of what can happen when each time you face that expectation, disappointment, depression, and so on, If instead you can breath and take baby steps then you may get underneath one more layer. i can say even though i am still not a fan of conflict i feel much betterto understand what is driving my avoidance or depression rather than just being affected by it blindly.

genkaku

What meditations can I do to help me better let go of expectations and how should I approach this in my everyday life?
________________

@Claythescribe -- It seems to me that if you are noticing the problem, you have made a good step towards your own solution. I don't mean that as some self-help fortune-cookie observation. Seriously, imagine how much worse things would be if you never noticed at all.

Keep on keepin' on.

ravkes

Hmm..

I used to have the same troubles, however I simply practiced not having expectations in my mind and it got better. Took me a little while, but I got there. Your mind is very malleable.

You can always change it if you want to, it'll take some time as thought patterns and habits don't go away easily. But overtime if you practice thinking more positively with less expectations, one day it'll just be second nature.

Good luck on your journey @claythescribe

aura

The antidote to expectations?
Gratitude gratitude gratitude!

One day on the street we were randomly shot at. We had not been hit by the bullet. Terrified friends surrounded us asking "ARE YOU OK?"

"NO I'M NOT OK!" my co-worker spat in all directions "Why didn't you get the @#$% license number on that #$%@ car, what's @#$% WRONG with you?!! @#$%! This @#$% world is @#$% falling apart! We need to bring back vigilante groups to get rid of @#$% people like that real quick, the system's not working... WHY DIDN'T YOU GET HIS #@%$ LICENSE PLATE!!!!"

Nobody could ever have gotten the license plate number on that car; it was all too sudden, too far away, too fast, but he ripped into those concerned well-meaning people anyway, sucking the light and life out of them like a vampire as he went on condemning everybody for not having met his expectations. He was accustomed to making demands of people and that people should fulfill his expectations, and he was furious that they had not. He went on and on that he could have been killed and that the entire world was falling apart.

He behaved badly, but he had never in his life experienced such a thing before. He had come to the university from swimming lessons at the country club his parents had belonged to, not from an urban underprivileged scholarship. The poor guy was understandably in shock.
"Welcome to the city," I told him gently, smiling encouragement.
"HOW CAN YOU BE SMILING?!!" he screamed at me in reply "THAT #$%@ JUST SHOT AT US!"
"Because he MISSED! Don't you see? He MISSED!
and I'm so very grateful he missed..."

Gratitude is the antidote to both expectations and bad behavior.
One must in such cases always meditate on what one is grateful for.
Gratitude gratitude gratitude!
So what have you got to be grateful for?
The sky above and another breath of air and not being in critical condition?
There is so very much to be grateful for in life!

I_AM_THAT

Thank You.... I am so grateful to been able to read your story! It opened my eyes a little more.

tmottes

@Aura yeah thanks for sharing. You are right, gratitude is the solution for expectations. If somebody doesn't call, I used to get upset. Now, I think about THEIR welfare. Are they ok or did they get into an accident or something else. I am thankful they are alive and well, and just spaced the call or whatever.

aMatt

"NO I'M NOT OK!" my co-worker spat in all directions "Why didn't you get the @#$% license number on that #$%@ car, what's @#$% WRONG with you?!! @#$%! This @#$% world is @#$% falling apart! We need to bring back vigilante groups to get rid of @#$% people like that real quick, the system's not working... WHY DIDN'T YOU GET HIS #@%$ LICENSE PLATE!!!!"

he ripped into those concerned well-meaning people anyway, sucking the light and life out of them like a vampire as he went on condemning everybody for not having met his expectations. He was accustomed to making demands of people and that people should fulfill his expectations, and he was furious that they had not. He went on and on that he could have been killed and that the entire world was falling apart.

He behaved badly

Vampire, spat, ripped, sucking the light... or, you could say acting "scared".

I wonder if there is space in our hearts to hear people expressing their fears with the same gratitude? Said differently, it sounds like one bullet missed aura, but the "second bullet" hit her.

tmottes

@aMatt My partner recently found a stray dog running along the road and brought it home. We have been trying to find the owner without any luck. Shortly after he brought her home, I was trying to get her to move and I pushed her from behind. She turned around an bit me. She is a small dog, so there wasn't any damage, but your comment reminded of that. She didn't want to hurt me, just acting out of fear. I didn't think she was behaving badly, but thought, awww she must be scared.

It seems like every time I start to think I have got it... there is another level and I have to remind myself if I "think" I have it, ego is just getting in the way.

aura

vampire, spat, ripped, sucking the light... or, you could say acting "scared".
I wonder if there is space in our hearts to hear people expressing their fears with the same gratitude? Said differently, it sounds like one bullet missed aura, but the "second bullet" hit her.

Our concerned friends/co-workers did not regard his cussing them out as a fear reaction, but as abuse leveled squarely at them. They quite flatly said so in no uncertain terms afterwards when he was out of earshot. One of them who had been robbed at gunpoint in Chicago considered his behavior completely reprehensible and privately scolded me for "making excuses for his inexcusably immature behavior." His professional working relationships/friendships with his colleagues suffered as a result of this incident. Expressing fear as rage can truly damage one's career.

Cloud

[...]anxiety and anger stems from my expectations on the future[...]What meditations can I do to help me better let go of expectations and how should I approach this in my everyday life?

The major thing, I think, is recognizing when those expectations arise. Most people think meditation is sitting on a cushion in full-lotus, but really it's being mindful of everything that is going on inside your head (which includes your senses, as that's where they are experienced). When those expectations arise, know it right then. The more that you recognize that expectations have arisen, the greater your understanding of your own mind and its triggers, and the less power they'll have over you. Right there, suffering ends.

aMatt

Our concerned friends/co-workers did not regard his cussing them out as a fear reaction, but as abuse leveled squarely at them.

Expressing fear as rage can truly damage one's career.

Hearing fear as rage can damage something far more important than a career. As you noted, the friends/coworkers became egoic and unforgiving. That's sad! See? The bullet didn't miss after all.

aura

Hearing fear as rage can damage something far more important than a career. As you noted, the friends/coworkers became egoic and unforgiving. That's sad! See? The bullet didn't miss after all.

I would think that if they had been truly egoic and unforgiving they probably would have refused to work with him, or at least gone out of their way to avoid him thereafter, and such was not the case.

It appeared to have undermined his relationship with them in that they no longer trusted him not to behave abusively toward them. It was very interesting to observe the difference in career satisfaction between being "professionals" in a career setting and being a truly functional crew, a working team, a functional family in a career setting. The difference between those two was the level of mutual respect and mutual trust, and his behavior had undermined that mutual respect and trust. It is amazing how long it takes to create trust in any relationship, and how easy it is to completely obliterate that trust by demonstrating abusive behavior.

I would say that you are absolutely right about the bullet not missing, but that it seemed as though he had shot himself in the foot.