family first?

BloodyCactus

I often find myself at odds with Buddhism over my family life. Often times when dealing with my two little boys I think 'need more compassion' after the fact or when I need to be harsh there is no place for compassion etc. Since taking my refuge vows I've tried to incorporate things much more fuller into my life, I just find life often intrudes more and that things feel geared so much more for oriented towards the monastics than laity.

I have noticed that I will always put my family above my practice of Buddhism and often feel that I may not be giving it what I need to give it.

Just sort of looking for some tips to try and balance things out or better incorporate things into my family life. Anyone else out there with spouse/kids/mortgage/demanding job and balancing that well with Buddhism, I'd love to know some helpful tips, etc

aMatt

In my experience (two kids, house, etc) a Buddhist practice underpins skillful action. When we take the time to clear our minds and cultivate kindness for our family, we have the basic tools to relate to our situation in a way that is nourishing.

Sometimes compassion can mean being stern, because we are the guide for our kids. When you say "being harsh" it might mean "acting out of anger" or it might mean "using skillful pressure." If you're getting swept into angry feelings about the ignorance and chaotic behaviors of children, then keep practicing. If you're clear headed and feel the right thing to do is to be stern, then keep practicing.

The more you settle your self, the better of a parent you can become!

There's a saying that struck a chord with me. "My life is so busy, if I didn't take the time to pray, I don't know how I'd get everything done." I feel the same with mindful practices. If we don't take the time for them, how in the world will we be free enough to overcome the daily chaos? Its too easy to get swept into them, and then forget to aim.

Theswingisyellow

Great reply Matt.
All the best,
Todd

vixthenomad

I have two children under the age of 5, so I know exactly what you mean! I'm still working at it too and don't have any answers to give you, but it is good to know that someone else is having similar issue with Buddhist practice and family life!

Mountains

There was just a thread about compassion vs. 'tough love'. I don't think compassion always demands ooshy-gooshy sweetness. Sometimes the compassionate thing to do is to be tough.

genkaku

@BloodyCactus -- My Zen teacher was pretty direct when I raised similar issues with him. "Take care of your family," he said ... twice. Quietly, but twice. For a Japanese teacher to say something twice is a bit like having a Marine Corps drill instructor screaming in your ear.

A distinction between family and Zen practice is a false distinction. Buddhism means life -- it's not just some fluffy, goody-two-shoes religion. Life is what happens right now. If your kids are raising hell right now, that's practice. If there's time to sit on a cushion, that's practice. If it's all confusing and confounding right now, that's practice.

Nobody wants to make mistakes, whether it's in Buddhism or with their kids. I speak from a three-kid experience. Everyone wants to do "the right thing." But with Buddhism as with kids, the experience is the same ... as the Japanese say, "fall down seven times, get up eight." Buddhism might easily be called Mistakes R Us. When we see mistakes, we do what we can to correct them ... and move on to the next mistake. And a little at a time, we learn to tone down our judgments of good and bad, right and wrong. Fall and get up, fall and get up; get up and fall, get up and fall ... how else can we, or the kids, learn?

Take your time.

And take care of your true family.

aura

Children are the toughest Zen masters of all...
they will hit you over the head with heavy (objects, questions, issues, problems, relationships) every day until you eventually attain some measure of enlightenment....
or senility...
whichever comes first!

The minute waltz version of raising children: The Jack Jack Attack from the movie "The Incredibles"

jll

Its a question of priority.
what do you want for your children.
I would suggest teaching them to be kind n generous
should be top priority as a buddhist.