Coping With Shame And Depression

beachhouse

I was born with abnormally large lips and other physical abnormalities. These things make my life in public very stressful for me, I do not like to go out much at all. Every where I go I deal with curious stares, ridicule and just an overall uncomfortable feeling. I can never be at peace when I'm out, I either adopt a very guarded, stern attitude to block out my emotions and keep people at bay, or completely break down and be a nervous, sad emotional wreck.

I'm tremendously lonely because of this, I have no one in my life, and lately I've been contemplating suicide a lot.
Is there any advice, and chants, meditations that someone can help me with? I want to be happy, I want to be in a positive situation, but the burdens that life has given me keeps weighing me down.

Mountains

Hi Beachhouse

I'm sorry to hear about your problems. Body image is so important in our society (disproportionately so). We are constantly beaten down with this insane image of "perfection" that we think we should somehow try to emulate, when 99.9% of humanity doesn't come anywhere close to it - and it's arbitrary in any event.

Please don't try to hurt yourself over this! You don't say where you live, but almost anywhere in the US there are suicide hotlines you can call 24/7 if you start feeling that way. Please take advantage! Have you seen a counselor or therapist? Very often they can work with you and help you get past these feelings. Your life is far too important to let it slip away simply because you look a little different from other people. There are lots of people with physical abnormalities, so you're definitely not alone!

Meditation will certainly help, but I would recommend trying to find someone to talk to about it as well. Many communities have counselors who will work pro bono or for a small sliding fee scale. Your expression of a desire to be happy is a good sign! Try to foster that at every moment. All we can do is live in the present moment.

Please let us know how you're doing.

Wishing you peace...

_/\_

DhammaDhatu

welcome Beachhouse

i agree the advice Mountains provided to you

i also agree your expression of a desire to be happy is a good sign of self-love developing in you

about your request for Buddhist advice, one buddhist meditation to develop in your situation is that of loving-kindness & self-compassion towards yourself

some meditations on loving-kindness are at the links below and also on the YouTubes

http://amaravati.org/abmtrial/documents/the_way_it_is/ref.html
http://amaravati.org/abmtrial/documents/cittavivaka/data/12practice.html

wishing you well

DD

DhammaDhatu

hi again Beachhouse

in your case, shame and depression is arising from "self-judgment"

again, loving-kindness meditation upon friendliness & respect towards ourself is a way to alleviate this

however, if we are struggling to love ourself, as is your case, we first start the meditation towards others

often, we do not judge others in the same way we judge ourself

often, we can generate more compassion towards others than towards ourself

so to begin the meditation, we first generate love & compassion towards others

for example, we generate an image in our mind of a child in Africa who is starving due to famine or war

we generate the thought: "May that child be well, may that child be free from suffering; may those children find a way to be free from their suffering"

then we find images closer to home, such as people we know who have suffering

we generate the thought: "May those people be well; may those people find a way to be free from their suffering; may they be happy"

once we can cultivate these feelings of loving-kindness & compassion, then we try to apply the same attitude towards ourself

"may i be well; may i love myself; may i accept myself for how i am; may i be free from ill-will; may i be free from suffering"

so we learn to have loving-kindness (metta) towards others and ourself until we can accept our life fully

again, a link to a meditation is here:

http://amaravati.org/abmtrial/documents/the_way_it_is/ref.html

with loving-kindness

DD

Let none deceive another,
Or despise any being in any state.
Let none through anger or ill-will
Wish harm upon another.
Even as a mother protects with her life
Her child, her only child,
So with a boundless heart
Should one cherish all living beings [including ourself];

Radiating kindness over the entire world:
Spreading upwards to the skies,
And downwards to the depths;
Outwards and unbounded,
Freed from hatred and ill-will.
Whether standing or walking, seated or lying down
Free from drowsiness,
One should sustain this recollection.

Karaniya Metta Sutta: The Buddha's Words on Loving-Kindness

DhammaDhatu

DhammaDhatu

DhammaDhatu

hi again Beachhouse

another meditation is to reflect upon the Buddha, Dhamma & Sangha

the Buddha was a human being who was fully enlightened, who had love & compassion for every being without exception and who found various ways for human beings to be free from suffering

the Dhamma are the various teachings that describe the various ways for human beings to be free from suffering

the Sangha is the community of enlightened & compassionate followers of the Buddha, who have infinite compassion for us

so if we feel tremendously lonely, we can meditate on the Buddha, Dhamma & Sangha, to realise there are people in our world, here, now, today, who offer real friendship & who care to us and wish for us to be well

again, may you be well and free

DD

DhammaDhatu

DhammaDhatu

shays860

Hi. I probably can't add a whole lot to what's already been said. I would just like to note that while there are a lot of shallow hateful people in the world there are also a lot of people that wouldn't think twice about your problem unless maybe to say a prayer for you in your difficulty and try to brighten your day a little bit. Just wanted to add one more voice to the chorus of people who care and want the best for you. Good luck

DhammaDhatu

http://www.youtube.com/watch?NR=1&v=Ee4wLOuMNkM

vinlyn

...Body image is so important in our society (disproportionately so). We are constantly beaten down with this insane image of "perfection" that we think we should somehow try to emulate, when 99.9% of humanity doesn't come anywhere close to it - and it's arbitrary in any event.

Please don't try to hurt yourself over this!...

Meditation will certainly help, but I would recommend trying to find someone to talk to about it as well...

Mountains has given you some very good advice.

Wednesday I was doing my grocery shopping, and while standing in line at the register, and while waiting I was perusing the "scandal" magazines. About half of them had pictures of really fat stars in skimpy bathing suits on the cover. The other half had pics of anorexic stars on the cover. Clearly all of the mags were catering to that compulsion we have about looks.

When I was in high school I was counseled against certain professions because I had a (repaired) cleft lip and palate. And later I got bald. And I'm not exactly handsome. But I became a successful teacher and then a respected principal in one of the most prestigious public school systems in the country. All because I did NOT listen.

Now retired, we have a Bunko game group once a month. Mostly oldsters. Last week a lady that has a lot of very obvious physical problems that are very noticeable joined us. She was a hit despite her looks! We all want her back in the future because of her personality!

While you can't change how other people will react to you, you can change how you react to yourself, and that's where meditation may help.

Stick with it! Be as positive as you can. And for those who are negative, to heck with them!

I'm glad you're with us here!

footiam

I was born with abnormally large lips and other physical abnormalities. These things make my life in public very stressful for me, I do not like to go out much at all. Every where I go I deal with curious stares, ridicule and just an overall uncomfortable feeling. I can never be at peace when I'm out, I either adopt a very guarded, stern attitude to block out my emotions and keep people at bay, or completely break down and be a nervous, sad emotional wreck.

I'm tremendously lonely because of this, I have no one in my life, and lately I've been contemplating suicide a lot.
Is there any advice, and chants, meditations that someone can help me with? I want to be happy, I want to be in a positive situation, but the burdens that life has given me keeps weighing me down.

Some Hollywood stars have big lips too but people thought they are beautiful. Big lips can be beautiful if you think they are. If people think they are ugly, that's their problem. It is more important that you have good thoughts about what you have and if you don't like your physical attributes, you can always go for surgery these days but in the end, it is still your inner thoughts that count. Sometimes, one has to be thankful with what one has. Can you imagine being born without lips? Don't worry too much about what other think and suicide is not the answer. Take you as you are and others will follow. If they don't, they just don't deserve a place in your life. Cheer up.

zen_world

My friend, meditation, meditation, meditation. Keep doing it and don't give up.
If I were you, I would find a Buddhist temple and attend to Dharma teachings. You don't have to be a Buddhist to listen to Dharma. It changed my life, it can change yours too.
Please have compassion for yourself. There is nothing you did wrong. Learn to forgive yourself! And learn to forgive others. Many of us are shallow people unfortunately because we don't know any better. Develop a big hearth and forgive us. Only then you can forgive yourself...Forgiveness is Godly.

AMH

Hi, I wanted to share that one of my friends at work has several facial abnormalities. He has struggles in many areas, he is deaf and his ears are deformed so that he has to wear headphones instead of a smaller hearing aid. The children who come into our retail business are half and half in their reaction to him, some notice his good heart and are friendly, some react to his appearance and are nervous. He loves kids and so he tries to talk to them (his speech is affected so that is hard). I see him struggle but those who know him at work think he is special and feel somewhat protective of him (not in a coddling way, he does a great job). most of all his spirit does shine through even though he has hard days.

I wonder if there are people like that in your life you haven't noticed? or if there realy are not I suggest that you become part of some group that is positive, a hobby group or a volunteer group in the public like museum or library or animal shelters. You can support this with the medititions suggested but I think that making sure you are not isolated as well is important. There isn't a reason for you to hide but i can see how going out in public is hard.

Peace