a pat on the back

genkaku

Everyone likes to get a pat on the back now and then. It's nice to be recognized for something you have done.

But then, sometimes, we come to expect a pat on the back and be disappointed when it isn't forthcoming.

How do you deal with this? Saying a pat on the back is not enjoyable hardly seems true. And saying "I don't expect anything" is frequently untrue.

So what would you say is true? What works for you?

Ada_B

I would drop passive-aggressive hints, like saying loudly, apparently to the wall, "Don't all rush to thank me at once. Of course I don't feel taken advantage of".

Ah, but that is probably not what you wanted, even though it is what I'd do.

Mutter about being taken for granted?

Sulk until they notice?

Do the washing up, LOUDLY, while crashing plates about and sighing ostentatiously?

Or just accept a lifetime of martyrdom? No, none of this is very virtuous or honest.

Probably the best thing would be to be honest about feeling taken for granted, and hope the person realises your need for a pat on the back.

Kwantum_Kev

Funny that you should post this, as I have so often thought that one of the biggest challenges to face - esp. in the working world - is the old adage : you never hear anything about how well you do; but just wait until you do something wrong! I know that for years and years, I have talked to numerous people who have all agreed that it is so demotivating to hear only negative feedback, when you do something wrong, yet to never hear "good job!" and get that pat on the back that you referenced.

I used to try the whole deluding myself into thinking that I didn't care, but it seemed to have only the opposite effect - to make me even more resentful. And although I cannot claim to have perfected the view that I now try to take, it has been very helpful. And that is to realize that ultimately, all I do is for my own satisfaction, and I am the only person whose opinion counts.

While that may sound selfish, if one ponders it, it is absolutely the truth. I can't count how many times I have done something, and everyone else has thought "how wonderful!" but I was such a perfectionist, that I did not share their sentiments, and was unhappy. By the same token, there have been times when I have done something I was very pleased with, only to have someone else express either disappointment or disinterest. In both of these cases, the story I tild myself was that "nothing is good enough." And it's clear that with thoughts like that, true happiness is impossible.

So nowadays, I ask myself this : Did I do my very best? Did I do the best I could with the resources I had available? And if I did not, was the reason I didn't a valid one - one that I am ok with? If I can answer these questions honestly and affirmatively, then I chalk it up as "good" and give myself a pat on the back (metaphorically speaking, of course!) I have operated this way for some time now, and I have been much happier, as have those who have to work with me. These are just my thoughts, as always. If there is something of value to someone else, wonderful : )


Many Blessings,

Kwan Kev

taiyaki

what i love about the zen center i go to is that whenever i go it is never about how well my practice or how well i am meditating.

we all come in and do zazen, walking meditation, and chanting. that is all, nothing about attainments or realizations or theory. just together alone sitting in meditation.

somedays you want to really talk about stuff. somedays you don't care.

either way you sit, sit, sit, sit.

we all have good days and bad days. either way we sit and deal with everything.

the pat on the back is accepting whatever comes. whether we have pride or arrogance or jealousy or anger or bliss. it is all something we sit with.

daemyo

*gives @genkaku a pat on the back*

Of course it feels good. Of course we hope for it and are disappointed when it doesn't appear. We're human.

Realization is not about becoming anything other than fully human. We notice, we reflect, we look into it - like you're doing. We feel hurt, frustrated, happy. Then, the bell rings and it's time for supper.

Never lose your human-ness. Notice it deeply. Enjoy your supper.

Still_Waters

It's always nice to be praised, but I try to keep in mind that praise and blame are two of the eight winds that undermine equanimity. I can't help but feel good when praised, but I'm also aware of how praise can feed the ego and how it can be used to manipulate. It's best not to cling to it.

However, I'm also a stickler for giving praise and thanks when praise is earned and thanks are due. So I guess I'm not entirely consistent. I suppose I see it as one of those things that falls into the category of "it's better to give than to receive."

Alan

aMatt

Perhaps you could let go of the praise, let go of the absence. If you regard praise with equanimity, you can simply notice that was said was appreciated, perhaps resonant with the other. "Your" wisdom is the culmination of billions of forces, from parents, teachers, genitics, and so on and on, and do not start with "you". As this is practiced, esteem builds independently of the conditions that arise, freeing you to say what is needed, rather than what yields favorable responses.

Ada_B

Hmm, either I'm a moral failure compared to the rest of you, or I interpreted Genkaku's question rather too literally. As in "What *would* I do?" Well, I told him. Maybe the real question is "What should I do, in an ideal world".

I get rather fed up of idealism. All this trying to be better than we are stuff gets very... tiring. And sometimes I suspect we are not honest with ourselves, and like to think that what we would like to be, is what we are.

It's what comes of 20 years of strict Christianity, I suspect, and the gradual realisation that no matter how hard I tried, I was never going to be as "good" as I hoped to be. 20 years of abject failure of one's ideals can make one rather jaded. So now I prefer to figure out what I am, and see what I have to work with.

So that's my strategy: work out where you are, and start from there. So if you need a pat on the back, rather than resenting not having one, think about ways you could get the feedback you need. It shouldn't be an impossible thing, to get some validation occasionally. And if you feel the need for it, perhaps many other people in the same organisation feel the same? Maybe you could be the start of a positive change in work culture?

Or maybe I'm being the idealist now.

ddrishi

@genkaku
When I post or comment on a post on this website, or do it on Facebook, I want to be taken notice of. Just like a pat on the back. But that is the way I am, or a common human would be, and just as Brian suggested in another post here, I console myself by saying 'Fuck it'....

Jeffrey

Touch the earth. You have a right to be here! No thats not true, you ARE HERE.

Amelia

But then, sometimes, we come to expect a pat on the back and be disappointed when it isn't forthcoming.

How do you deal with this?

By honestly trying to learn not to expect anything.

possibilities

It's nice to be commended/praised/thanked.... yet I don't expect it. I was raised without much such support, and ended up developing my own value system of knowing when I did good -- being my own worst critic at times, but also knowing to disregard false praise or ulterior motives.

Bottom line - don't let it bother you esp if you can pat yourself on the back (secretly). That reminds me of a video by Kristen Neff, where she recommends that. :-)

http://www.self-compassion.org/

Floating_Abu

*gives @genkaku a pat on the back*

Believe me, he doesn't need it :coffee:

Floating_Abu

I would drop passive-aggressive hints, like saying loudly, apparently to the wall, "Don't all rush to thank me at once. Of course I don't feel taken advantage of".

Floating_Abu

Everyone likes to get a pat on the back now and then. It's nice to be recognized for something you have done.

But then, sometimes, we come to expect a pat on the back and be disappointed when it isn't forthcoming.

How do you deal with this? Saying a pat on the back is not enjoyable hardly seems true. And saying "I don't expect anything" is frequently untrue.

So what would you say is true? What works for you?

I could get back to my center.

ThailandTom

Well of course if you create an act of compassion or you have done something 'good', then you will feel good for it. But, I don't think we should require anything in return, that would result in a form of attachment.

If you have done something generous or virtuous and have gotten no 'pat on the back', consider yourself wrong as positive karma would have been generated

seeker242

And saying "I don't expect anything" is frequently untrue.

Why is it frequently untrue?

Kwantum_Kev

I get rather fed up of idealism. All this trying to be better than we are stuff gets very... tiring. And sometimes I suspect we are not honest with ourselves, and like to think that what we would like to be, is what we are.

Very well said, @Ada_B. I agree completely. I have seen many comments that seem to project the idea that the person posting them has already attained enlightenment, lost all attachment to everything, and never experiences suffering. Mmm hmmm.

I think it is healthier to embrace who we are, what we think and what we feel, and to work from that grounded state of being. It is not some kind of crime or something to be ashamed of to say "I am angry, I am sad, I am prideful, I am wanting validation, I want to be recognized." Those are all very natural thoughts to have at times as human being. Where the problems can arise is getting STUCK in those thoughts.

But to deny that we ever have those thoughts, or try to appear to others that we never do to somehow show everyone how "enlightened" we are - to me, that is not completely honest, nor is it helpful to those who are new to Buddhism. I know that if I came in and shared a real problem I was having, and someone said "just sit for 10 hours," I would probably be a little turned off.

Is it a good answer? Sure, it is - for someone who is at that point on their path. But I believe all messages must be delivered with thought of who the receiver is, and what will help that person the most.

And please know that I am not trying to start a flame war, or being critical of those who offer much more advanced advice. There are surely many people on this forum much more knowledgeable than I. I am just agreeing with @Ada_B - that it's ok to admit that we have shortcomings, that we have cravings and desires, and to express them and ask for help. And sometimes, the best help we can give is just listening to someone. That's one I am still working on - obviously! Lol

Many Blessings all,

Kwan Kev

Kwantum_Kev

And saying "I don't expect anything" is frequently untrue.

Why is it frequently untrue?

I think that it is perceived as often untrue because we all have expectations sometimes - and often times, ones we are not even aware of. At least I know I do. It's something I constantly have to watch for - to lower my expectations and raise my acceptance. Lifelong work, it is : )

Many Blessings,

Kwan Kev