The "overnight" house guest...

Mountains

So last Friday night about 10:30 p.m., one of my massage school instructors (one of the owners of the school) called me. A friend and former student of hers was stuck in town (about an hour from where the instructor lives) with no place to go for the night, cancelled flight, family dynamics, etc. Would I be willing to let her stay the night until she figured out travel plans? Absolutely. No problem at all. That was last Friday night. She's still here. Not only did she not have travel plans, she doesn't have *life* plans. She's been in town for two months because her father has been very ill, but has nothing to take her back to SF where she's been living for ten years. She had this vague "plan" to go spend the winter in Jackson Hole, Wyoming (she's a massage therapist), but no real plan on how to get there, and no money to go anywhere. She's a very nice person for the most part, but absolutely clueless about how life works (she's 41 years old). There are all kinds of family issues here in town, on which I keep getting different stories. Then within the space of five minutes, she was going back to SF until she heads to Jackson Hole. Then she was going to go to LA. Then she was going to go "back" to Denver where she lived 10+ years ago. Then she was going to stay in town here (all this within five minutes). No plan on how to make enough money to live on. No car. No real prospects, etc, etc, etc.

I have no problem giving somebody a place to crash for a day or two. But this has turned into nearly a week. I've made it clear I'm not looking for a roommate, and have tried to gently encourage her to make other arrangements. But it doesn't seem to be sinking in. As of this afternoon she seems (for the moment) to have decided to stay in town for now, but I haven't heard how she's going to accomplish this, nor where she's planning to live, nor how she's planning to get around.

Haven't mentioned any of this to my instructor, but I feel like I need to...

Tosh

So you've a female masseuse staying at your place, and you're actually complaining about it?

Saying that, Mountains, I don't know what your sex is, what your sexual orientation is, but you sound like a lucky person to me.

(Sorry for being crass).

I'd speak to your instructor to get her to give the masseuse the news that she should really be moving on; soon.

Cinorjer

Stop and think for a moment. She has no problem doing whatever she wants with no consideration for your wishes or feelings. Also, she knowingly misled you to get into the door. She's invested in taking without giving or accepting responsibility for the consequences of her actions.

In other words, you're being taken advantage of by someone who doesn't care if you are upset or angry or frustrated, long as you provide her with food and a place to crash. Compassion does not always mean letting others do whatever they want. Sometimes you have to do what is needed.

So it's time for you to feed her one last meal and tell her it's time to leave. Now. And when she asks, "Why?" like she doesn't know (but she does) tell her the truth. Tell her you can't let her take advantage of your good nature. Offer to give her a ride to the homeless shelter or street corner of her choice or whatever.

And you have to understand that we should help people, but this is not helping her. You cannot shield people from the consequences of their own decisions. You don't like telling someone to get out, but compassion demands it.

SattvaPaul

What @Cinorjer said sounds like a good advice. But it's not always that simple - people can take advantage of us without realising that they are doing it, she may not have "knowingly" misled him - sometimes when there is no clear communication, both parties may not realise what is expected. But I'm sure Mountains knows that.

Mountains

Yeah, it's not that simple. This is the kind of person who stands there talking to you. She sees you, and you see her, but she's living in a slightly phase-shifted part of the universe from the rest of us. She's just not *quite* in the same plane of reality as most people. She's very sweet and all, but I'm not interested in her romantically, and massage doesn't pay the bills. I'm just not in the market for either a roommate or a relationship.

She came with the story that she was stuck in town with a missed flight, but that's not what the story really was. I'm giving her until the weekend to get a plan and get out, then I'm going to get really firm. I feel bad kicking someone out on the street, but there have to be rules and boundaries...

robot

Your instructor must have seen this coming. She is the one who misled you. You said they are friends. Drive your guest to her place and drop her off. Then if she is out on the street it will be her friend's problem.

Dakini

Put her in your car, and drop her off at your massage instructor's home, or at the massage school. She's not your responsibility. Give her back to your massage instructor.

Don't feel bad. She sure isn't feeling bad about deceiving not only you, but her massage instructor friend, and taking advantage of you.

You fulfilled your compassion quota for the week. Now time to give her the opportunity to solve her own problems, before your compassion turns into "idiot compassion", i.e. enabling behavior.

Otherwise, how's school?

Cinorjer

If you could, when you do so, could you have a talk with her about how her lifestyle runs a real risk for her? There are people who would jump at the chance to take advantage of her. You're a nice person, but someone without steady contacts who trusts people enough to move in with strangers? Someone without close family and friends around, who could disappear without being missed? She really needs to think about what she's doing.

Dakini

Wow, very good point, Cinorjer. She could've wound up with Tosh instead (sorry, Tosh, I just had to needle you for that comment). This sounds like a person who isn't very grounded in reality, from Mountain's description. Your suggestion is very thoughtful and important. *sigh* She sounds like she needs professional help.

MindGate

What Tosh said.

Mountains

Tosh - that's called "slavery"

No thanks.

genkaku

I vote with @cinorjer. Someone else's ignorance -- whether real or feigned -- is not your responsibility. And how 'compassionate' is it to suborn that ignorance? Be as polite and kind as you have to, but be direct.

compassionate_warrior

Now time to give her the opportunity to solve her own problems, before your compassion turns into "idiot compassion", i.e. enabling behavior.

This comment about compassion (or doing someone a favor) becoming enabling behavior as the situation gets out of hand is an important lesson for Buddhists in general. "Don't let it happen to you", as the saying goes. As has been said many times on this forum in the past, "be firm, set boundaries". Your needs count, too. Your home is your castle.

Dakini

Hey, Mts., how's the situation? Any news?

Mountains

Gone on at last. I've honestly never met a person quite like her. She truly exists in some kind of a parallel reality from the one I do. A lovely person, but utterly and completely clueless. She seems to go through life like a bumper car, bouncing off this, going that direction, bouncing off something else, then going in another direction. No plan, no idea about the future beyond an hour from now, and no real idea (at age 41) how the world works. Amazing.

I bless her and wish her well on her journey... Still trying to discern the lesson(s) in this for me. At least I got several really good massages and some wonderful meals out of it!

genkaku

@Mountains -- There are some people with whom you can't be sure ... should you tell them to take their medication or should you tell them to abstain?

compassionate_warrior

It sounds like this poor woman has unresolved trauma, possibly unresolved PTSD from who knows when--childhood, or possibly multiple instances throughout life. Trauma can make people airheaded that way. And you mentioned she said there were family issues? That's a clue, though a circumstantial one. If she's a friend of your massage instructor, you could consider suggesting to the massage instructor that she have a heart-to-heart talk with her friend about seeking help. But then there's the affordability issue. Berkeley, CA offers free mental health care to the destitute, that might be helpful for her to know.

Well, I tried. And you tried. So much samsara in the world, and sometimes, due to circumstances, we can't help, other than make suggestions. Sometimes it seems like the solutions are so near, and yet--so far.

Mountains

I have no doubt she has issues... but issues that are way beyond my ability to do anything about. She's drifting from place to place at the moment, so unless she wants to get help, I doubt anyone will have anything to say. Apparently now she's on her way to LA.

Hubris

@Mountains , you are a kind man, and a patient one at that.

Maybe the lesson is that charity and compassion have their limits too, or at least mankind does. We cannot sacrifice our well-being for that of another no matter how empathetic or compassionate we are or want to be.

vixthenomad

I feel sad for this lady. She sounds like a fellow nomadic soul in a world that doesn't understand or tolerate nomads. The only difference between her and me, as I see it, is that her wandering is physical as well as spiritual/mental.

I hope her next stop-off is a good one.

StaticToybox

At least I got several really good massages

"Happy ending" included? I kid, I kid. Sorry, had to say it. The devil made me, or something.

In all seriousness, there are just some people you can't help. Or can only help a little. This woman clearly needs something that is beyond your means. I'm reminded of a time about a year ago in which, pulling into a shopping area I encountered a homeless Vietnam veteran holding a sign on the side of the road. So I pulled over and go out to see if there was anything I could do for him. The man was not looking for money, or even food, but instead a blanket. Fortunately my wife just happened to have picked up a thick, warm blanket at a yard sale the day before that and, for whatever reason, it was still in the car. I gave the man the blanket and what cash I had in my wallet (which was only $10) and pointed out that the Goodwill store across the way was still open for a couple of hours. I sat there and spoke with him for a few minutes. He'd said that he had lived in Ohio, and that if he could get back there he could use a friend's address to start collecting a pension in a couple months.

I did not learn what he was doing here in Illinois. I hated to just leave the man, but at the same time I could think of nothing else I could do for him. I couldn't invite him into my home. And he flat out stated that he would not go to a shelter. So I shook the man's hand, wished him well, and departed. What more could I have done?

zombiegirl

to be honest, mountains, she sounds just like my father. oblivious to how she effects others, joyfully simple... has no trouble imposing on people... no plan... when i posted my troubles with him on here i received a lot of advice on "idiot compassion"

i was thinking, it is entirely possible that in the past that living situation has worked for her, being a massage therapist and all. i would not be surprised in the least to find that some people have no problem letting her stay as a "live in massage therapist" ...i'd kinda like one of those myself. it's one of the perks of having a skilled trade. i've met people from dentists to tattoo artists that were willing to trade work for work. i even have a client that's a wholesaler that we trade stuff for massage.

Mountains

Oh, I'm perfectly willing to trade my new-found craft in barter. Once I'm licensed I intend to do just that! Right now I can't accept money, but I can accept "tips" or in-kind payment, so I'm all about that!

Waiting for my shipment of oils to arrive

Dakini

Wow, ZG, you put a whole different spin on the situation. You may be right. Or...not. We'll never know. I wonder how she's heading out for LA if she had no gas money when she was with Mountains. Or said she didn't. If she's going all the way to the West Coast (who knows if she'll make it), that free mental health care in Berkeley sounds like it might be helpful. Oh well, too late now.

Helpful hint for Mts.: if you use massage cream as well as oil, buy cream that says "Paraben-free". Parabens are in a lot of lotions and facial products, and they're carcinogenic.

In this economy, you're lucky to find people, especially dentists and such, who are willing to do trades. Take that as a good omen.

Mountains

I'm only using organic/natural oils & cremes. I'm not crazy about cremes in general though.

dorje

I find creams dry out faster than oils, and can sometimes I feel pain. Oils, though, scan sometimes be a b***h to wash off.

zombiegirl

@Dakini you know, i was psyched to meet the dentist and i REALLY thought about it. but he was also sorta creepy and hit on me a lot, so i eventually decided against it. i didn't want to get hundreds of dollars in debt to someone that i wasn't sure if i'd want to give private massages to. it was a bummer.