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Without love

jgppjgpp
edited October 2011 in Philosophy
If a child grew up without love and genuine affection do you believe that child could learn to give/receive love later in life?

Comments

  • CloudCloud Veteran
    Anything's possible. It might be awkward for them, may seem foreign.
  • GuiGui Veteran
    It happens all the time.
  • robotrobot Veteran
    It happens all the time.
    This is what I thought at first glance. Then I thought about the people I have known who did not get proper nurturing as children due to being bounced from one foster home to another, or being being less important than the parent's addictions or problems (including me and my siblings). Left up to our own devices we generally seem to have trouble across the board in picking appropriate partners and giving and, even more so, receiving love. At the moment I am having trouble thinking of an example of someone like this who has succeeded in a long term relationship that was happy and balanced. I consider my own attempts to be a loving partner to be a failure. I think that people have to learn how to give and receive love appropriately from their parents. Therapy helps but it can't replace parental nurturing. Learning by trial and error is painful for everyone involved.
  • Chiisai_Pholcidae68Chiisai_Pholcidae68 Explorer

    I think that people have to learn how to give and receive love appropriately from their parents. Therapy helps but it can't replace parental nurturing. Learning by trial and error is painful for everyone involved.
    I definitely understand what you mean. A parent or guardian is a person's first teacher. What they instill in the child's mind will leave a mark more indelible than anything they will learn in adulthood.

    My best friend is fortunate that she has such a strong bond with me. Her parents have neglected her emotionally. She has gone through the "trial and error" process so typical of those in her situation, but she says that it would have been a lot worse without me. That makes me so happy. To OP, yes, it can be learned. The road is tough in that situation, but with the right person and the right circumstances, it can happen.

  • auraaura Veteran
    If a child grew up without love and genuine affection do you believe that child could learn to give/receive love later in life?
    Come meet Dave... and see...
    http://www.davepelzer.com/
  • federicafederica Seeker of the clear blue sky... Its better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak out and remove all doubt Moderator
    If a child grew up without love and genuine affection do you believe that child could learn to give/receive love later in life?
    definitely.

  • SattvaPaulSattvaPaul South Wales, UK Veteran
    edited October 2011
    I would say that there probably has to be a minimum of love/affection for the child to survive. Buddhism teaches that our inherent nature is that of love and caring. So there is always the basis from which to work.

    But it's bloody hard work.. Speaking from my own experience.
  • MindGateMindGate United States Veteran
    edited October 2011
    From the people I've met, they rarely grow up to give love in a normal manner. But it is possible, of course.
  • SattvaPaulSattvaPaul South Wales, UK Veteran
    From the people I've met, they rarely grow up to give love in a normal manner. But it is possible, of course.
    Is it a general observation about everyone you've met or specifically about the kind of people OP is talking about?

  • MindGateMindGate United States Veteran
    edited October 2011
    From the people I've met, they rarely grow up to give love in a normal manner. But it is possible, of course.
    Is it a general observation about everyone you've met or specifically about the kind of people OP is talking about?

    This is my answer to the question based on my experiences with people who have not had good childhoods. That is all.
  • SattvaPaulSattvaPaul South Wales, UK Veteran
    edited October 2011
    Ok. I was just clarifying. Though maybe you could elaborate on what you mean by "give love in a normal manner"?
  • MindGateMindGate United States Veteran
    edited October 2011
    Ok. I was just clarifying. Though maybe you could elaborate on what you mean by "give love in a normal manner"?
    For example, a father may never hug his son, or say that he loves him, or anything that are normal representations of love. He loves his son, but never actually shows it. He could have marital issues because he personally feels unloved, even though the family does show it to him.

    Or a child who was never showed love at home couldn't have real normal relationships with friends or love relationships. He wouldn't know how and would show apathy towards them.

    I know both types of people, but it doesn't mean all are like this.
  • ddrishiddrishi
    A child may have grown up without hearing a single song but he may still turn out to be a great singer or lover of music in his later life.

    Love and genuine affection is not something which you can give or receive.......
  • AMHAMH
    There is such a range of good parenting to questionable parenting all the way to really obviously bad parenting. I hope there is a chance! But I see my friends who had childhoods in the questionable range having to work at it, seek some help, realize they need the help and basically go through a lot of challenges. Sometimes it is a lot of circumstance, for my boyfriend actually. He grew up in a ghetto neighborhood and starting out fighting young. Got in lots of trouble. Had a first marriage where they were horrible to each other, A second where he thought everything was fine because they never fought, and now me. He still freaks out anytime we disagree and I have to talk him down to 'its not the end of the world' and he has had to get some help in addition. During the more messed up years he raised his daughters so they have their issues, less than his, but everyone is getting better. He made the big effort to say he would not beat his kids like he was and right there is a big step.

    I think we inherently have the ability to feel what is not healthy in our life and often when we are teenagers to young adults we have the energy to change that but often not a lot of awareness. Then we get to being set in routines and familiar patterns when we get older however hopefully we have some wisdom to keep up moving towards healthy.
  • ToshTosh Veteran
    I'm pretty sure I read something about children neglected in orphanages in Romania, who were then adopted by affluent families had/have major relationship problems. I think there's even physical effects in the brain; and something like children deprived of love at a young age lose the ability to love.

    I've had a quick google; there's lots of research done on these poor kids.
  • SimpleWitnessSimpleWitness
    It really depends on the capacity of the child.

    But, it seems to me that love is a compassionate, nominal, and fabricated design of wholesome practice. Anyone can act like they "love" another, even a child's worse abuser. It is a wholesome practice tied to an unwholesome action. Their posture of intent is for control. The action that they fall heir to is an injurious world of anguish. Even though they practiced a "love", it was with ill will.

    However, most children seek and express the true compassion in all entities weather they are conscious of it or not. They even practice love by seeking the approval of their abusers to be near them, tolerating their torment, and showing kindness and empathy when they see their abusers suffering, and they show discipline to their abusers by being difficult to reach. Children are the natural symbol of who we truly are as compassionate individuals. They are the masters of this practice, which is so labeled love.

    Still, it appears that compassion is within even the most vile of entities. It is the unwholesome practice of these entities, which thwarts compassion from being it's nature in order to turn their unwholesome action around to wholesome action. It is often their unconscious choice, due to a myriad of reasons.

    Speaking only of my own experience with loveless practices done to my body, mind, and livelihood, it has taught that loving kindness is a wholesome practice, only after we remove thought and witness the compassion within all of us as simple living beings. This means even witnessing it in all life forms and energies without a view of duality, like a child's mind.

    My acceptance is that love is neither this phenomenal energy that possesses us, nor is it one that we possess. It is a created decision of compassionate practice. This is simple and natural to do especially by most children.

    Metta
  • personperson Don't believe everything you think The liminal space Veteran
    I feel like I fit the description. Not a bad upbringing but very short on affection. I've had and still have a hard time connecting with others. I do think its possible to develop love and affection though its much harder without good experience to draw on.

    For the past 6 months or so I've made a more concerted effort to meditate on love and compassion, etc. For me meditating on the wisdom aspect of the path, death, impermanence, etc is like turning on a faucet, I set my attention to these topics and the feeling just flows. When it comes to love or compassion though its like trying to squeeze water from a rock. I sit there, say the prayers, do the visualizations, but hardly anything comes. The past few days though I've had some progress and I've seen some change so its not easy but there has been progress, so I say it is possible.






    Without love I am half human without love I'm all machine
    Without love there's nothing doin' I will die without love
    Without love I am an island all by myself in a heartbreak sea
    Without love there's no denyin' I am dyin' without love
    For there is nowhere I can run and there is no hiding place
    Sticking out like a sore thumb by that gloomy look upon my face
    Without love I'm incomplete without love I am not whole
    Without love I'm barely on my feet I am dyin' without love
    [ guitar ]
    For there is nowhere I can run...
    I am dyin' without love
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