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Controlling Anger
Telly03
Veteran
I consider myself a very calm and easy going guy.... but I have noticed that there are certain things that will rile me up and consume me, such as someone attacking something I truly believe in, wether it be direct or not, be it ideas about family, religion, or politics. Now this has never been a problem for me till I started studying Buddhism, but now I see that this is probably not a good thing and I should work on it.... It didn't increase because of what I'm learning, I'm just more aware of it. Any tips on how to control getting riled up over attacks on personal beliefs? I learning that it is not as easy as just telling yourself to let it go.
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Comments
What the hell is next?
The thing I think is to catch yourself and just *be* in the experience. I watched a football game today and I think that is a good example. I felt bad because my team lost. Now I didn't *tell* myself that I shouldn't feel bad and I was 'unbuddhist'. I just let myself feel that way but didn't add momentum to that feeling. I noticed that I had certain thought patterns kind of a pouting. And then I turned the TV off and just let that phase end. And its just a regular day.
Things on the internet can get heated because we *craft* these replies to get a reaction. If someone ignores our post thats the worst that can happen so we try to craft them for maximum velocity. So I can definitely identify with having the same experience you are having.
I also find doing some normal kitchen sink corrections such as staying away from the forum for a day or so to put a stop to a negative posting pattern.
The fact that you're more aware of this is a good step in the right direction. Here are a few suggestions for reducing the heat that have helped me to better maintain composure:
1. Rearrange your priorities. Instead of making victory or successful defense of your beliefs your number one priority, focus primarily on maintaining inner and outer calm. Place particular attention on modulating your voice: speak calmly and avoid sarcasm.
2. Epictetus famously said that God gave us two ears and one mouth so that we may listen twice as much as we speak. Sometimes it is best to just let the other person or persons rant and rave while minimizing your own responses. If this means letting go of opportunities to make compelling points or mount a rousing defense, then so be it. Accept it as the price you pay for maintaining equanimity. When you have two prizes before you, aim for the greater.
3. Try to frame a potentially heated debate as a sharing of different viewpoints, rather than an ideological battleground. Avoid aggressive "you" statements, such as "if you believe that, then you are an idiot." Better are statements such as "I don't agree that..." I know it's trite, but it is often best to "agree to disagree." Accept that there are a great many people with beliefs that you would consider incorrect or irrational. Trying to convert all of these people is a losing proposition.
4. There is nothing you have to defend from "attack." Others cannot force their values or beliefs on you without your permission. Living your life with integrity according to your values and beliefs is far more important than winning arguments. As the saying goes, "be the change that you want to see in the world."
Alan
When this was said, the Blessed One said to him: "What do you think, Brahmin: Do friends and colleagues, relatives and kinsmen come to you as guests?"
"Yes, Master Gautama, sometimes friends and colleagues, relatives and kinsmen come to me as guests."
"And what do you think: Do you serve them with staple and non-staple foods and delicacies?"
"Yes, sometimes I serve them with staple and non-staple foods and delicacies."
"And if they don't accept them, to whom do those foods belong?"
"If they don't accept them, Master Gautama, those foods are all mine."
"In the same way, Brahmin, that with which you have insulted me, who is not insulting; that with which you have taunted me, who is not taunting; that with which you have berated me, who is not berating: that I don't accept from you. It's all yours, Brahmin. It's all yours.
"Whoever returns insult to one who is insulting, returns taunts to one who is taunting, returns a berating to one who is berating, is said to be eating together, sharing company, with that person. But I am neither eating together nor sharing your company, Brahmin. It's all yours. It's all yours."
Fierce arguments that overlook the other person's right to voice their opinion are quite pointless in a forum - they really are bothersome for the reader - a real turn-off. All I sense is anger and frustration and the content gets lost.
Equanimity .... yesterday, reading some older threads, I came across this link and found it helpful:
http://www.insightmeditationcenter.org/books-articles/articles/equanimity/