What Am I Doing Wrong?

MindGate

Hi, guys. Recently, (well, most of the time) I've seemed to have been acting unskillfully. I just want to know how you guys think I could improve myself as a human being. Any feedback would be nice (and please allow for a personal rebuttal to explain myself if I feel the need). Feel free to ask any questions too. Thanks.

Jeffrey

Change happens very slowly, more slowly than we would wish. I would just notice what you are seeing. You might see that something you are doing is bad. Or you might see that you are bad. This can be depressing so to counteract that you have to remember that you are not your actions. And allow yourself to take your place on the earth.

It seems like very bad that you are doing something wrong, but think how small that is in the whole cosmos. Its not as if you have to fix everything today. So just remember in small moments or make a resolve to XXXX whatever you imagine. But don't press to hard, just let things come up and if you remember to change your actions then that is good.

Its like meditation. We drift off continuously. But eventually we come back to mindfulness and remember.

So you will catch yourself every so often doing something you are not proud of. Just accept that and come back to yourself, who you want to be. I think you have to have patience. You already have a will to act skillfully and that is a big step. We are again and again taking that step.

taiyaki

meditate.

wish i had something to offer you.

meditate.

again meditate.

AMH

Remember to be as compassionate to yourself as you are to others. I look for some negative trends (rather than a one time flare of emotion) to show myself when I am off track.
* resentment, usually means I am not paying enough attention to my own limits and needs
* judgement, usually mean I am not connecting to others in a positive way, am I spending time around uplifting people or am i the one bringing things down
* self pity, well with the type of people I work with and serve it is hard to feel too bad about my life, however too much exposure to media can do this, or not enough rest and healthy food

Most of all just be open to what you are hearing even if the messanger is unskillful themselves. Noting that and your own unskillful behavior brings compassion instead of judgment.

Here is an exercise I did with staff at one of my schools where we have developed negative discipline. It is called 'delightful and other delightful', Draw 2 flowers with 5 petals large enough to write in. For the delightful we put the traits of those kids who make us smile when they come to program. Things like funny, cherful, energetic, and positive were shared. Then the other delightful, the child that makes you stiffen when they come into the room. The petals still need to be positive qualities. It is really hard let me tell you. So we had traits like honest, energetic, strong minded, high self concept, and independant.

just a thought, it may not be relevant to anything in your current situation but then again maybe thinking you are someones 'other delightful' could be positive?

ThailandTom

Changing the way we conduct ourselves or our personality for that matter does take time, as Jeffrey stated. I consider it a lot harder than getting into shape physically.

I think you should start with small things first and keep reminding yourself where you have gone 'wrong' in the past. Maybe look at things from a different perspective, maybe even speak to friends or family about it because sometimes it takes an outsider point of view to illustrate exactly how things are.
When I was around 17-18 I was in a very awkward part of my life, between moving out and away to univeristy and 'finding myself'. I had two really close friends at the time, closer than the rest of the group I had at the time, and they one day had enough of my acions and told me outright how selfish I was. I was taken back by this and did not believe them fully at first. They compared me to an old friend who we no longer accepted as friend due to the way that they acted all of the time.
I took the time to consider what they said and tried to view it as if I was on the other end of my actions and then the light bulb flickered on.

At this age, our brain is still deveolping, our personality will obviously change throughout our life, but the brain is still coming out of those teen years. You may do things to show off or for whatever reason, although it still has roots within ignorance and maybe greed. I am not saying of course that when you reach 20-21 who snap out of it, totally not. As with most personal development it takes effort and time.

All the best anyway mindgate, I hope you take evrybodies advice for what it is and reflect on it

Ada_B

Mindgate, it is fantastic that you are motivated to do better in your life. You really can't fail if that is your goal. But be patient with yourself and try to develop the habit of kindness, starting with yourself. Keep your eyes open and your ears tuned and look for opportunities to develop understanding and compassion for those around you.

If you are feeling lonely, look for a lonelier person to befriend. If you are feeling anxious, look to channel that energy somewhere more positively. Forgive yourself your errors - no regrets, just learn from mistakes. And remember that everyone is doing the same thing: seeking happiness. It's just that some people are significantly more skilful in finding it than others. The root problem is ignorance: either in your own mistakes or others. Remember that before you judge others, if you can. Look for the good in people, always - you will never fail to find it if you look hard enough.

I hope that helps. All the best.

genkaku

Buddhism requires courage, patience and doubt. These are qualities you possess. Exercise them.

Especially patience.

Mountains

There is no "SKILLFUL" on/off switch you can throw. It's a continuum.