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Sangha Fear

Telly03Telly03 Veteran
edited December 2011 in Buddhism Basics
I attended an orientation a couple months ago, enjoyed it, and really wanted to attend a regular session, but for some reason I am avoiding it.

I first used the excuse that I had hurt my knee and I didn't want to be the only person there using a chair... didn't want that attention. I realized that I was nervous about the idea of attending even after my knee was better, and I was just putting it off, so I planned to go last Wed. I was puzzled by my relief at reading that they were not having a regular zazen, they were gathering for a week long Rohatsu Sesshin, so I didn't go... I actually do want to experience this, and I don't know why I'm so nervous.

My plan now is to attend another orientation scheduled for Saturday... hopefully that will put me at ease.

I guess I'm sharing this here to help me commit so I don't allow myself to find an excuse not to face this odd nervousness.

Comments

  • genkakugenkaku Northampton, Mass. U.S.A. Veteran
    @Telly03 -- Please don't think your uncertainties/anxieties/unwillingness is anything out of the ordinary. If you could be a fly on the wall of the entire Zen Buddhist community, I think you would find these feelings 100% par for the course.

    It's one thing to read and dream about spiritual effort. Really, it has a wonderful feel and taste to it ... the books, the dreams, etc. But it's quite a different matter when you finally screw up your very good courage and actually do something about it. First of all, the dreams get a serious reality check ... this is slow and patient and very ordinary work. A bunch of people get together and shut up ... how much of a dream scenario could that be? :)

    Just be patient and firm. If you have to, think of it as you would think of going to the dentist: It's just something that needs to be done. Zen practice is pretty special stuff, but the only way to get over the 'special' is to tuck some experience under your belt.

    Gently, but firmly ... keep up the good work. And don't worry ... most places don't make you swallow goldfish until the third or fourth visit. :)
  • Telly03Telly03 Veteran
    most places don't make you swallow goldfish until the third or fourth visit. :)
    Ha, it would have to be the goldfish soup crackers cause they are strict vegan :)

    Thanks

  • JeffreyJeffrey Veteran
    Thought occured to me that its like tasting a new food. You don't know how it will be and it tastes a little foreign at first. But then two years later you really like it and you are so glad you first tried.
  • ZendoLord84ZendoLord84 Veteran
    Thought occured to me that its like tasting a new food. You don't know how it will be and it tastes a little foreign at first. But then two years later you really like it and you are so glad you first tried.
  • Telly03Telly03 Veteran
    My visiting daughter is going with me to the orientation tomorrow and for the regular session on Sunday... I didn't expect her to ask to do this, but was a nice surprise. She also started going to yoga with me, which I thought was the coolest thing :)
  • ThailandTomThailandTom Veteran
    Telly, I am the same. I really do want to go and join a sangha or at least some meditation sessions weekly that I know of, but I have been avoiding them for ages now. I have never been to one in my life or a retreat, only self retreats.

    I guess it is like anxiety, once you go there and you are settled in, you will probably wonder why you dredded it in the first place. I hope so anyway, Good luck :)
  • Telly03Telly03 Veteran
    Thanks Tom
  • BonsaiDougBonsaiDoug Simply, on the path. Veteran
    edited December 2011
    Thought occured to me that its like tasting a new food. You don't know how it will be and it tastes a little foreign at first. But then two years later you really like it and you are so glad you first tried.
    Good analogy - I can relate - for me it was baba ghanoush - now I can't get enough!

    I guess we all have some "fear" of the unknown. But if we think about it, the best part of traveling our path is the discovery of things that further our spirituality. Simplistic to say, but we really don't know until we try.
  • ThailandTomThailandTom Veteran
    I once heard that fear is simply the unknown, not knowing what will happen. For me, going to a meditation retreat or session is not possible due to my social anxiety, if I ate a load of valium I would go, but how productive is that!? I feel that I cannot go much further down this path by myself, I am in need of a guru, but it is just being able to open up and find such a person or sangha.
  • Floating_AbuFloating_Abu Veteran
    Hey Telly

    Thanks for sharing the experiences and hope all is going swimmingly as they say ;)

    Best wishes,
    Abu
  • Telly03Telly03 Veteran
    edited December 2011
    Thanks Abu,

    The orientation yesterday went well... It was a small group which made it easy for me ask lots of questions.

    I'm much more at ease now with the idea of attending a regular session, although I was not able to attend today's because I had to take my daughter to the airport... I'll have another chance on Wed... Looking forward to it.

    My daughter enjoyed the orientation as well and said she would like to join me when I attend the sessions, when she gets back on island, so that is pretty cool
  • Floating_AbuFloating_Abu Veteran
    Wow, your daughter sounds really sweet. Nice. Thanks again.

    My best,

    Namaste.

    Abu
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