Being compassionate

Raven

I'm new in my practice, but earnest. I genuinely care about other people, and I enjoy being helpful and supportive to other people. However - there is one person in my life to whom it is a struggle to be kind and compassionate. She is not someone I can move away from, but I can feel it in my heart that when I deal with her, I don't do it as kindly as I could. I'm ashamed to admit it, but she just gets under my skin in a way I can't seem to handle. The worst part is that's just a kid (13/14 yrs old), and she looks up to me (and the rest of my team). The way I treat her will stay with her, and I want her experience to be a positive one.

How can I move beyond this? It makes me feel horrible, like a total failure and a terrible mentor.

zombiegirl

just remember, without obstacles, it is difficult to progress. we typically learn a lot more from those that rub us the wrong way than those that we get along easily with. my advice is to forgive yourself because you're still learning, it doesn't do any good to feel bad about it. the fact that you are aware of this phenomena going on within your mind is more than some people can do.

taiyaki

understand this:

everything is a projection from you and not at you. people are empty of inherent characteristics, or rather anything inherent. because they lack this, they have infinite potential to change. all people want to be happy and do not want suffering.

this wisdom becomes the basis for all compassion and love.

you see her in such way because of your karma. whether she is annoying or mildly irritating. this is because you are seeing the same qualities in yourself. how can you see what you are not already?

so understand that and then work on it systematically. this is reality giving you a red light and it's screaming HEY WAKE UP. focus all your energy and thoughts and feelings onto her. make her your object of compassion. make her happiness the top priority.

once you do that and it's hard but you can do it. she will no longer be an issue. along with her and the rest of the world. purify your karma by actively understanding what is going on and intentionally giving a beat down to your ignorance.

such people are the greatest teachers.

taiyaki

Also metta practice!

Cinorjer

The thing about compassion is, we can have people in our lives we don't like to deal with and still feel compassion for them. It's easy to feel compassion for people we love, or even like. With some practice, we can feel compassion for strangers. But the people we know, but for whatever reason find irritating or unpleasant to deal with? Ah, that's where we separate true compassion from just simple emotion.

Compassion comes once you begin to truly understand people, and realize that inside the masks they wear and the sometimes destructive behavior is a suffering human being.

You don't give enough details to give any advice in your particular situation. Maybe you find dealing with all children or teenagers a chore. Maybe there's something about this particular girl's behavior that bothers you. Maybe she's just being a normal teenager, or maybe she has deeper problems. But, if she wants to hang around you, ask yourself what can you do to help her? Is it a matter of just showing her attention? Or would she be willing to take some advice from you? Or do you just need to take the time to become friends with a lonely girl? Or, is it just a matter of cultivating some patience on your part when dealing with her? Let compassion guide your actions.

Raven

Thanks everyone for you input. I would really like to be able to move beyond this obstacle (the problem, not the girl) and give her (ok, me too) a better experience.

@Cinorjer I've always worked with kids (now volunteering, no longer working with them) and in general I've always loved it - there's always "that person" though, just like with adults, who is harder to work with than everyone else. I know she comes from a tough homelife and her social skills have been stunted as a result of it; she, like everyone else, just wants to be loved. I think it's a combination of being irritated (her behaviour in turn causes problems with other kids, and in turn the other parents, and it can be very trying) and feeling so completely awful FOR her that it's uncomfortable.

Taiyaki - thank you so much. You're right; my ignorance definitely needs a beat down, as you put it. I'm too focused on the selfishness of the situation and not focused enough on her and her needs. Our program is on a break for the holidays, but in the new year, I'm going to really make an effort to focus on her and what she needs.

taiyaki

As an art teacher at a middle school there are a lot of students who irritate the hell out of me. They are just immature and bouncey.

What really helps is to really try to understand their point of view. I think about my days in middle school. God what a confusing and hazy time. So trying to and really visualizing and feeling what they are going through really helps to understand them. Also it is important to understand that people are not one dimensional. We cannot know their whole life story and reasons why people do or behave the way they do.

So in essence we cannot really control anything other than our response and reactions towards them. If we act in a positive manner that will be a reflection of a potential that they will see in us. Even if they do not see it, overall we benefit from such action/attitude.

So really it is our responsiblity to be the best possible person we can be in all circumstances. We are going to fail, but it is the great motivation of a bodhisattva. We must save all beings by saving ourselves.

Everyone deserves love, even the ones that don't deserve love.

Here are my suggestions:

If interaction with such person is hard then avoid them. Go to the restroom to compose yourself.

Then work on loving kindness meditation on the cushion.

Then build enough momentum to change your perception of such person. Then interact with them. Such interactions should condition the positive perception. If it doesn't then go back to the cushion. Keep doing it systematically until there is only the positive perception.

This is how we literally kill our enemies. By showering love and understanding.

person

To my ears it doesn't sound like compassion for this girl is necessarily the problem. It sounds like you care about her but are just frustrated at an inability to help?

I don't have any answers or can say for certain that this is the situation but I think its important to fully understand a problem to address it properly.

Raven

@Person you make a good point, thank you. I spent some time thinking about this situation today, and I think I can explain it best like this:

I care about her and I know she needs extra love and guidance, but I find myself unable to give her what she needs because a) she drives me crazy and b) the whole situation is so awkward that it makes me feel incapable and uncomfortable. (You know when you're watching a movie and someone is in the middle of an embarrassing situation, and you cringe on their behalf? It's like that.) I know I need to be an example of kindness and acceptance, it's just the "getting there" that is stumping me.

@Taiyaki - ok, so you definitely know what I'm talking about! Your words are very humbling, and I appreciate them. Taking it to the cushion is an excellent idea. I must work on myself before I can engage with someone else.